8/6/10 (ACTUALLY)

yeesh. I hate this whole midnight system. Sucks giant balls.

So, metaphorically, I'm floating. In a pool. It feels relaxing. Almost makes me feel happy.

But it gets me to thinking.

Yes. I'm resentful. And bitter. And Harsh.
I'm a bully.
I'm egoistic, largely out for my own gain and I'm also just a little bit of a good liar.

But I'm not a bad person. At least I don't think so.
Does anyone really think they're a bad person?

I digress. I just needed to clean that off my chest before I get to the heavy metal thinking.
Yes, I'm a liar, but never ever doubt it when I say I love you guys. In fact, I'd love to say that in person, but I'm pretty sure you guys would restrain me and interrogate me in means simply inhumane for posing as me.

You guys up there, is this thing on?
Hi. Miss you all. I'm not good at this kind of thing. For some of you, I really do think about you. Always. Just ain't the same, y'know?
I guess the reason things that happen in your childhood affect you better than things that happen now is because it has a larger effect on you then. Children only know a total of, say, Five people in their lives on average, while a teenager can know some 200 by then. So when a person goes, to a teen that's only 0.5% of the people there in their lives but that's a 20% cut of a child's.

Urgh, digressing again.

As much as I can rant, I'm not good at the mushy stuff, so here goes:
An article I once read says that it's healthier to release any negative emotion in you, so I will just have to come out and say it.

I forgive you all, and hope you guys can find it in yourselves to forgive me.

Now, put down the handcuffs, because I need to explain what exactly that was.
For every time I've ever annoyed you, lied to you, hurt your feelings, dissapointed you. Even if you'd forgotten about it, I hope you'd fogiven me for it first.

However, I'm not divine. I'm not gonna go around hugging people and bringing joy and sunshine. Magical thing about hate is that it always grows back. I'm just emptying the tank for now.

But to you special people, including a special mention to Hannah Azlan,
As much as I may lash out at the world around me,
as much as I may dream of running a knife down other people's necks,
you've got a special place right next to my heart.

Losing the battle for power

8/6/10

"How are you so damn bubbly all the time?"
"Well, I look into a mirror every day and say 'you are a failure. But maybe, just maybe, if you pretend it enough that you're happy where you are, every one will be stupid enough to think you ARE happy and you'll get a kick out of it and actually BE happy. Or you're actually stupid enough to believe your own damn lie. And believe me, you're never going to find an intelligent way of BEING happy',"

Pardon my mood slaying.
Just needed to post that up.

Losing the battle for power

6/6/10

it's so frustrating, I must say.

"If only they knew what went on in your head"

Been reading blogs. For the record, may I NEVER come near another junior's blog. Ever again.

But I came across one particular blog. "Hope he doesn't treat her like he treated me. No one deserves that"

I'm sorry if I ignored you. Everything I ever did, there was always one constant person supporting me through it. while I was convinced I was head-over-heels for you, only recently did I realise there were much, MUCH deeper levels I could love you on.

This coming from the cynic who posted a rant on how stupid love is, right?

But it's true. I love those tiny little gestures of affection, even if it's drumming on my broken wrist or a wave in the mornings.

Everyone else, they're friends. I hope you know that even if she stripped down naked for me, I wouldn't give her a second glance. No matter how many other friends I have, they could never take your place. Ever.

The only problem I've had lately is that I, a person of low self-esteem, had been having self-esteem crashes.
If by any chance you're willing to talk to me again, because I am, then I have something really important to tell you.

3/6/10

I'm worthless.
Self-esteem is not at an all-time-high, if you haven't guessed.

Failure to do ANYTHING.
Anything right, anyway.

I'm sorry, guys. I'd love to commit 100% to your perfect little world, but I can't. I'm not optimistic enough to believe anything good is coming my way or nearly mature enough to believe it already has.

Sometimes I wanna yell it out, sometimes I wanna sock the nearest person in the face. But I figured, not like anyone cares what I do, right?

not like you care what I do, anyways.

Or maybe I'm just feeding you what you want.

Losing the battle for power

2/6/10

hmm.
I could swear I was gonna rant today.
I'm annoyed, but I can't put it in words



Losing the battle for power

22/5/10

I'm having a problem.
Everytime I need to rant, I don't have an outlet.
When I get my hands on my blog, I get writer's block.

doi.

Something's messing up my systems. Just gave a really long rant to a junior about wasting her life.

But that brings about some thoughts.
Love, for example.

Does the stuff in the movies really exist?
Or does it only seem to exist because a few idiots believe in it?
Call me a cynic, but the latter seems very likely.
I guess to me, love is just like putting up with all the crap people who aren't in love put up with. The only difference is you have someone with you.
They won't necessarily do you any good. Hell, they might even bring you through the mud ocassionally. Or always.
But I guess loving them means not caring.

Ironic, the three words everyone who feels alone wants to hear means "I don't care".

you and I in a little toyshop, buy a bag of baloons with the money we've got.
Set them free at the break of dawn, till one by one; they were gone.
back at base, bugs in the software; flash a message; something's out there.
Floating in the summer sky, as 99 red baloons go by.

Losing the battle for power

22/5/10

My bad. Thought things were going right. Oh well, some mistakes I shant repeat.
It's funny how one tiny thing can throw you off your game, right?

I guess I'm just frustrated. You go around asking people to love you, to be there for you. Why haven't you turned around yet?

It's like watching someone playing bejewelled and they just don't see that 4-chain and instead move it up for a 3-chain. *urrk*

Either ways, now would be a good time to thank all those who've bothered picking up the pieces every time I've ever fallen apart. Even if you didn't know it, you guys are awesome. I'd name you, but nanti takut someone actually READS this blog.


Losing/loathing the battle for power