1/10/10

I'm worried.

Have all my efforts to bring you closer only pushed you away for good?

I know we have drastically different opinions on a variety of things (by the way, I still say my use of evil schemes isn't foul play until I slit someone's throat) but you and I, we're actually more alike than you can imagine.

Not talking to you, not being with you, it's driving me up the wall. Being brushed aside, that's even worse.

You know, it would help a great bunch if I never had to announce my depression. It would make everyone's comments seem a little more... sincere. It would also help if I had a healthier vent for my frustration. I don't think channeling it through violent video games is very good.

But what can I do? it seems like no one bothers actually listening to MY issues, so yeah.

It's just how I roll

29/9/10

You know, I used to be very insecure in standard one. As superficial as it sounds, I always wanted to win something, and have a medal to show for it. Unfortunately, every time I did win something, there was never any concrete proof to show it existed. Now, 10 years later, I'm glad to say that even though it just says consolation, I did my 7-year old self proud.

And at what? surviving maths without a calculator.

Even if I'm not planning to take the scholarship, it's still nice to feel wanted.

Especially when you've been passed over for some air-headed face hugger.

Cynicsm aside, it's addmaths tomorrow.

I seem to be having sports commentary in my head. Sometimes it's my own doing, sometimes it isn't. Amazing

It's just how I roll

26/9/10

Very tiring day today. Considering turning in early because of my trials tomorrow.

Chill, Am. You can do it.

I'm confused as to how I feel. My exams are stressing me out, but I can't force myself to do anything about it. People around me are depressed and I can't seem to change that. Someone I care about isn't being particularly warm towards me and I go into a slump.

I've also been eating alot lately. Not that my weight is an issue. - I mean, come on. I'm lighter than the guys my age. I slip in between bars. But now I'm starting to wonder if I'm back to having something wrong with me.

I mean, I got really upset over a tiny issue today.

Oh well, let's face it- I'm awesome. Why? Because I will do well for this trial. I will face all this.

It's just how I roll

25/9/10

I sem to find alot of things annoying nowadays. Among them, is being told to submit because someone is 'more experienced', without actually having first hand experience on anything. My two cents? It happens. Everything happens. I'm just being realistic about it, not covering it up.

Consider me heartless that I don't care, but it's a bare fact. When a man stands in front of a gun and yells 'Fire!' you really can't have much sympathy because he had it coming.

But then again, maybe if I feel a little less morbid, my views will change.

You know, I'd like to think I'm a balanced person. I have my moments where I can't feel, and I have my moments where I go completely on my gut. I have my moments where I'm the most sociable person around, and there are moments where I despise everyone and everything around me. Oh well.

You know, sometimes I wish there was someone who knew me inside-out. Who could say "Amirul went out and bought something without reason today. Something's bothering him"

or anything along those lines.

Why am I being so random?

It's just how I roll

24/9/10

Can anyone hear me? of course not.

The sheer magnitude of things going on right now is overwhelming. I feel like I'm going insane from it all. But then again, I'm not involved in it. Because I'm mr.Unwanted.

I mean, it's bad enough being practically yelled at being told you're no fun. It's even worse to also be told by another person to get out of their life.

And finally, there's the no surprise moment to wonder why as hard as I try, I'm the only person who's alone at any given time. Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

I need to stop being emo. Seriously.

It's just how I roll

22/9/10

In one week, September ends. I slide down the hill that much further, getting closer and closer to SPM. I seriously need to focus.

Back to not-focusing, I wonder why I don't breed good times. It's like I'm just no fun. Or worse. No one wants me around.

I'm no one special to anyone. People around me either avoid me or just get bored of me with time, when someone better shows up. sighs.

I guess that still puts me on my little journey to find somewhere I belong.

In other news, I beat my standard of 350 kills on TTA3 today. Now I'm upping the bar to 380. Turns out, the Laser Rifle is good when you're dying. Clears a room REALLY fast when you want to get out and heal.

So, yeah, I better go back to trying to study. Or Alia and Shiva will kill me.

It's just how I roll

20/9

Well, that went well. Now I guess you're avoiding me, too. Why is it I can never seem to be happy? What happened to the classic love story where guy likes girl and by some miracle, girl likes guy back?

Not like it matters I guess. After all, it's like I always say: I have been hurt so many times, what's one more?

I really wish I could be like Yan or Alia. Have problems, yes, and have THAT be the reason you excel even FURTHER. Urgh.

But then again, I've never been inside either of their heads, so maybe there's a deeper issue I'm not seeing.

I really need some self-love. That's really hard, when no one else can give you a jump start.

It's just how I roll