Valentine's Special: I'll have salt with a pinch of fries please?

That's right, people, it's that time of year again!

All the so-called 'rehabilitated' emos look at their razorblades again and all those two-headed things flood our facebooks, twitterfeeds and sometimes our field of vision with all things nauseous, puke-inducing all in the name of some florist who needed extra income.

'But Amirul', I hear you say. 'You are one of said emos'.

nonono, I'm not. the difference is, I KNOW I'm alone. I LEARNT my lesson and although innocent people WILL die if I'm forced to watch mushy-couple-time again, that puts me just a few notches above the rest of you losers.

So, let's list out a list of things that are annoying on this retail rip-off that everyone makes such a deal of:

-The news. Seriously? it's the same shit every year. 2 weeks before the big day, someone will say it should be banned, and there will be a big huzzah about it, then it disappears. If you seriously cared about it and our 'integrity', you'd continuously fight for it. Instead it's a cry for attention.

-The whiners. 'my boyfriend says he's not gonna do anything/ Why am I all alone?' Let's start with the latter of the two. You carry yourself broadcasting 'hey, i'm depressed. LOVE ME'. I don't know who you're into, but trust me, the instinct upon seeing an injured race horse is to shoot it. Not make love to it. I shit you not. Give someone a REASON to love you, then they'll start considering it.

As for the former: FUCK YOU. it's a stupid day. one out of 365.25 per annual cycle. I can make up random holidays to celebrate too! MM, Valenswines day! I'll give you a pig if I think you're fat day! or toss an emo into a turbine day! seriously. If you're gonna CHOOSE what days they can say 'I love you', you may as well strap a tape recorder to a vibrator. Aside from the fact it lacks a wallet, it's pretty much what your boyfriend is now. Besides, he's probably only gonna say that because he's secretly planning to stop by with a) flowers, b) the sistine chapel or c) flowers arranged into the shape of the sistine chapel.

-The overgushers. THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE, DIDN'T YOU? sadly to say, no. you aren't. Seriously, if you wanna make so big a deal out of this stupid commercial rip-off and actually BELIEVE it's a day about true love, then why blurt it out to the whole damn world? I mean, SHUT UP, for cryin' out loud. If you 'loveeeee' him so much, shouldn't you be telling that to him IN PERSON? I mean, shouldn't it be a day about proving it to the other person? If you guys are gonna duke it out with other couples over who can make me puke hardest, it should be to the death. I'd like that.

I think that should sum it up. These rants keep me so damn jolly all the time, after all. Enjoy your day.

It's just how I roll

11/2/11

I am tired.

Tired of failing, of never being good enough. Of always being told things will get better when they aren't showing any signs of it.

Tired of always being the lonely one. the one that no one wants. The only one who has no one special to call on a quiet night, or to spend a weekend with.Who only hears stories of what 'love' is, but never gets to feel it first hand. The one who's only a shadow in the background.

The moon looks on. The sun still rises in the east. The tide still rises. But when your day isn't going right, it feels like it all stops just for that moment.

I'm not giving up, not at all. But even the most resilient traveler complains about his backpack every once in a while. What more me?

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to the world, that I'd never live up to its standards. That I'm so terrible at everything I do, and that I handle defeat so poorly.

Sorry that I was about to get all excited about the littlest of things, sorry that I even assumed I could survive like this.

If you haven't quite put the picture together, it's because you're a dumbass. You're a dumbass who deserves to be bludgeoned to death by oranges. I may be maniacally in love with myself at times, cocky and even brash, but my self-esteem can take so many hits. I'm still alone, I'm still not doing well at design, drawing OR fig studies, and I've still got intense anger issues. Also, that I'm saying goodbye to another fish soon. In all this stress, I just wish there was something I could do to make the pain all go away.

fuck this. fuck it all, shoot it, in fact. Just bare my teeth and go through with it. not like anyone would want my carcass anyways.

It's just how I roll

8/2/11

lemme start this off by saying that I despise the colour blue. Nothing personal, just all the accidents with my blue paint.

So, double sided coin today, Maxim says she's been talking about me in school. 'regularly'. Unfortunately, he also says I lack Regine's blessing. I think I probably know why.

Won another 1v1 Quick Match on starcraft though :D this one was actually pretty even in terms of APM. Basically, he made my mistake of not climbing the tech tree fast enough. Managed to keep him at bay with Hydras early on, their range really gives them a one-up on marines and marauders. Finally got my mutas out, snuck them round the base and hit his workers where it hurt. And planted a good old Nydus, giving Hydras easy access to the base. the shock when that happened was pleasing :D

I hope I survive until this weekend, and that she contacts me somehow. She makes me feel like I'm so much more than a cynical lonely geek :)

It's just how I roll

3/2/11

You know, it never occurred to me until my mom said it, what this year is.

This year really puts me in a completely new world, new rules. From balancing college assignments, to constantly learning about the Mac, money management, and now chores =.=/.

To top it all off, I am going on this adventure with minimal help from my friends, so it's about adapting.

Honestly, I don't like having to clean my brother's shoes. Dumbass should learn to do it himself.

these past 2 days were about just goofing off though. Maxim came over and we've been just chilling, playing Dante's Inferno and Starcraft, while making stupid jokes while he makes fun of the grin on my face every time she messages me :)

Even if she doesn't mean it, some of the things she says can just set me 3 inches off the ground.

It's just how I roll

31/1/10

Dear you.

If distance makes the heart grow fonder, then it couldn't possibly add to how I feel about you right now. I don't know how to put it in words, but being around you makes me feel better. You may think me a liar, a cheat and any other horrible adjectives that come into your mind, but truth be told, the thought of seeing you soon drags me on through the days.

You have no idea, but you have picked up my pieces and even made me a little more... pleasant about the world. Sure, I'm a jerk (let's face it, I wouldn't be me if I wasn't) and I'd be insane (I am) to think that someone like you would even like an unstable train wreck of curse words, insults and sci-fi.

I'm sorry if I seem obsessive at times, I really am. My mouth moves faster than my brain, and most of the things I do seemed like a good idea at the time.

You make me skip in public singing old songs that warrant weird stares. you've made me happier than i've been in a long time. you make me want to be a better person for you. It bites big time when I get struck by paranoia that you may be avoiding me or that I've annoyed you with my irrational behaviour.

I guess I'm just saying, I'm not good at getting people to like me. it's not something I've been able to successfully do in a long time.

Come to think of it, this entire note is the result of paranoia.

Lamentations of a lonely psychopath.

It's just how I roll

28/1/11

Relationships.

Not just the boyfriend-girlfriend kind, mind you.

That familiarity between two people. It's interesting to watch.

How Adib gives his sis 110% of his support, it's really inspiring.

I was also looking at how much progress Kris and SuAnne have made in the past few weeks. You know, how much faster it is than me and Ash?

I really wonder/hope/will actually scream if she likes me back. Even if she only told me after Vday, (I'm alone 365 days a year. Just cus some moron chose that day to increase the price of flowers, doesn't make a day anymore special) I'd still be cool with it. All I want is for it to be there.

I'm hoping you're thinking the same thing as I am, because it would REALLY suck to find out this was another hallucination.

It's just how I roll

23/1/11 (the actual day)

Lemme get it off my chest that being sick SUCKS. my nose is blocked, I have a sore throat.

Spent the day with Dush, Chang and Maxim. Doom 3 is an epic game, regardless of it's lack of assasinations and sniping. Also, re watched Gulliver's Travels. Not the same without Ashley to cuddle with. /sighs, I wish she'd give me a sign. Or was up front about it.

Tomorrow I have class D: Thank god it's nothing heavy-duty yet. Like Farts or design. Crap.

I feel like gushing about ashley and how much I miss her, but I know it's only gonna make it hurt when she says no =.=

blek, that's life I guess.

It's just how I roll