27.11/11

Insecurity time. shh.

So I have this bad habit where when i'm left alone too long, I start churning out worst case scenarios and they start destroying me like corruptors on a banshee. And really, no one's safe from this. Sometimes i think even those i hold closest are ready with a knife and a smartass soothsayer for a brilliant day in politics

if you got that reference, good for you.

So yeah. sometimes I think you're actually just entertaining me while hoping i'll eventually be gone. I mean, I don't know about you, but I think we connect really well. And well, yeah. But you have your world, I have mine. and another of my many personality flaws would kick in if we crossed those lines.

brain suddenly blank. lately my head's defense mechanism against depression has been to just empty all thoughts after a while. blek.

It's just how I roll

19/11/11

There are many things I could say about you.

Anyone; in fact; for this reflex,

Every over elaborate lie and empty promise,

So excuse me if the moon isn't on your porch tomorrow.

I won't write your name in the sky,

I won't disarm a bomb with my teeth.

I can't catch you a leprecauhn

or kill a samurai with a leaf.

Are you still reading? Because that's my point exactly.

If you're still here, you know (now, at least) who I am.

I won't say i can't live another day without you because frankly, i will.

But it would definitely be a lot more boring.

I don't want you to be the only girl in the world; rather the one i trust most.

You are the one for whom I would forget the past mistakes,

and make me throw away old heart breaks.

I've digressed a lot. But that's my point.

Sometimes I'm indirect and sometimes i'm direct to the point I eat dreams with maple syrup.

And while it's not taken from the lips of shakespeare:

People will come and go. Replace each other like checkers pieces.

But you, matter.

It's just how I roll

4/11/11

I don't like playing the victim all the time. I thought I sorted out my issues with the universe last time.

So why the fuck is it still pushing me around?

This week has been total shit on my part. First, my cunt of a groupmate "oversleeps" the day of our presentation, next, I get more shit from my VC group and the howler monkey of a leader. THEN, my letterforms starts going to fuck, and after that, the snsd concert tickets sell out. AGAIN. and I know it's just a concert, and I won't catch cancer from not attending but GOD DAMMIT WHY WON'T SOMETHING JUST GO RIGHT? oh, and then my headphones kaput on me. Thanks. and TF2 keeps DC-ing so I can't even enjoy that. I. Am. Not. Happy.

I mean, college is college. shit happens. But why fuck up the rest of my life too? I swear, with all this shit, there had BETTER be a good tradeoff. Like meeting SNSD in person. Or Ashley. Or both. Or even discovering motherfucking atlantis. because I. Am. Tired.

I'm annoyed that now more than ever, I feel alone. And not just in the coupley sense, you shallow douchewagons, I feel deserted. I feel alien. And not necessarily in the good way. I am trying to remain optimistic, but one can only take so many socks in the jaw before the damn thing finally falls off. And I don't think my mom would be happy if I started throwing more things like frisbee disks. Seriously.

I like that Alaina's checking up on me, even if it IS just really to satisfy her ego. Or maybe it isn't. I don't know anymore.

I'm still pissed off about my headphones. they were MY headphones. I paid for them with MY cash. and now, barely a year later, they're gone. kaput. which means I can't listen to music, drown out my hate for all things to exist in the universe or even skype call, because the last thing i want is fucking eavesdropping. I was supposed to go swimming to get RID of the fucking stress, not multiply it a few fucking more tons.

Rephrasing, You can only bite back at the universe when it's not being such a cocksucking cunt.

It's just how I roll