2009: Memorandum

So, the year is coming to an end, again.
Which gives me some time to reflect on all the things that have happened in this big year.
For the record, the theme for '09 is: The Unexpected.
Moral of the Year: Nothing is certain in life but Death and Taxes.

We started form 4 this year, which reset everything from previous years. Streaming generally compacted us into several classes.
Typical start to the year, I was completely new to the class, no friends from yesteryears to hang with and the like. At most, some acquaintances.

Started scheming. elaborately.
Of all people that I knew to be brought into my class, I had Affan. Seriously. What. The. Fuck.
It was like (pardon geek references) arch enemies end a season of fighting by both disappearing in a big portal. New season, portal opens in desolate world, first thing they do is get at each other's throats.

Surprisingly, I don't mind his abuse this year. Introduced me to the larger social structure . Took out the naive belief that they were all tightly woven.

Either ways, he left in a week, and I took to hanging around Chang's group. As the days went on, we all had our moments, and we eventually roped Manisha & Melor into what I would love to call a new family. across the year, I started befriending juniors, seniors, even some people from out of this school.

Also, the year brought something special: Victory. Finally claiming first place, after taking down big-giants KRS. I will forever remember climbing up to the pedestal, with Shiva and Dush and getting sprayed like I was in an f1 race. btw:
HELL YEAH I'M BEING A DICK, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SUCK IT KRS
Got a closer look into the social structure thanks to Farah, whom I can genuinely say I formed a form of friendship with.
I also learned to write this year, releasing emotions in verses of crap. In that context, I also took up literature.

This year, I also did alot of unexpected things (as per the theme). Among them being holding a beating heart in my hand, cursing loud enough for a teacher to hear (and getting in trouble for it, too) and going where no man has gone before: Shopping (but more on that later)

That being said, time drew on, with more and more priceless moments. Stock checking, finals, and here. Of course, we all took a major loss this year when we lost a dear friend (or in my case, an acquaintance. I am still sorry we couldn't have at least been close enough to be friends) . It's one of those things that doesn't fade away, but you get used to.

Now, you would have noticed that She isn't mentioned anywhere. So, here is her devoted section:
The year has had it's ups and downs. Of course, you who have been in love stayed in love, and I'm happy that you're happy. We've become better friends than ever this year, to the point where you would trust me enough to pick out your outfits. You've also finally seen the apartment, and met the family.

You were there to celebrate victory with me, you were there for alot of grand moments, usually being the cause for them. I should repay the favour.
All my emotions for you are probably documented in the former posts, but just remember this: I love you :)

all in all, I resolve to maybe be accepted into society more naturally. even if that doesn't happen, screw it.

2009, you were an awesome year. 2010 marks the last year of high school, before stepping out into the adult world.

"If this is the final battle, let's make it one to remember"- GregF. (can't believe I actually talked to the guy)
Team up and join the Battle for Power

22/12

I'm dying without you.
you are so happy where you are now.
I am obliged not to destroy such a balance,
and I have no means to.

I mean, let's face it- you're tired of me, don't deny it. I've seen the wear in your voice at my less-than-polite behaviour, and you have all right to. And to ever hold you again would make a lightning bolt striking me twice more probable.

So much for my hiatus.

Losing the battle for power

Lament of a Lonely Heart

No one, not no one, can see what I have seen,
because no one, not no one, has been where I have been.

To sit by lover's; blind, I am their hound,
When they're alone they need me; when they're happy it's like I am not around.

I sit; I squat; I wait
and still no answers left to date;
no one requites me
does God smite me?
I sit there,
men say 'contraire..'

'For a love in which you wait; flail and flop like new fishbait;
no one;absolutely no one; not the rest,
will ever even try; because they know that you're a guy,
whom that when in love; will find the girl that's best.'

I see my girl; she's out of reach;
and men sit upon the beach,
with their ladies of the night; Given up without a fight,
no; they don't believe in love,
and the Divine up above;
as he laughs at His new joke;
at the sorry little blo-oke,

no one said it would be easy,
but this loving's made me queasy
Does she really look at me,
I don't think I'm much to see,
look at me; failure from the start,
while she, the lady of my hea-art.

Woe is me; I am alone,
It's cold outside; I'm skin and bone,
the happy couples do reject me; like a frog; they won't dissect me,
in a quest for what is wrong; they won't ask why I sing this song;
I've been lonely from the sta-art,
and this; the la-ment of my heart.

(for the tune, it's like El Tango de Roxanne+When you're Evil)
Losing the battle for power

13/12/09

I could be anyone.
I could be hero of heroes,
slain mighty beasts in your name,
you would not give me a requited welcome.

I could be anyone.
I could construct mighty monuments,
of gold, diamond and amethyst of you,
and your love, of double the costs, I would not recieve.

I could be anyone.
Some might name me a master,
for having captured nature's beauty, recreating it in art, in song,
You may attend the opening night, but would not join me backstage.

I could be anyone.
It's true.
But in reality,
I'm just a boy, looking at a girl, asking you to love me like I do you.

(P.S writers of Notting hill, don't kill me- this line inspired me)

Losing the battle for power

Here's the truth.
I'm not good enough for you.
No, I will always be second; no,
I'll always be third past-last.

I am not the greatest lover,
I don't make you feel like doing the unimaginable.
I don't make you warm to the touch
I don't give you memories to last a lifetime.

I am not the greatest friend,
I cannot sit by you no matter what,
for the many faces bicker and argue,
and before long you would have done everything by yourself.

Still, I applaud myself.
To believe in a lie so blindly. To chase it.
That I could be that 'one'. Yet now everyone looks down, at he who believes steadfast,
I am assuming what is not rightfully mine. I'll always be third past-last

Losing the battle for power

Even amidst amber skies,
Infuriating,
He pushes me on to my grave,
with the crowd cheering on.

"Make him kill himself!"
"Make him break something else!"
"Make him break his bones!"
"But for an encore, LET HIM LIVE"

You always do that, don't you?
You allow me to be happy- to expect something good.
Get me as optimistic as possible,
and then throw me off the mountain You made me build.

No, to all readers, this is not the 'she' you always read about.
For my foe looks at me from behind his shield. He looks on, evil hatred, resentment.
His evil audience, cheering on, he carries on the punishment.
It is not enough to cry it out when you are incapable of the act.

Lost the battle for power

8th December.

Isn't it funny how the world always spins,
regardless of all those tiny little things,
round and round; it winds and winds,
and as we spin; we don't lose our minds

Isn't it funny,
how we care about money,
it's the core of our lives,
yet it's halved by our wives.

no, none of it's funny,
by your face I can tell,
but I'll be on the floor laughing,
when you're pushed down a well.

real world; kiss my ass

Losing the battle for power

3rd Dec

I've mined every mountain bare,
made lakes comparable to seas,
Not once did I find another gem like you.

Only in my dreams have I found you,
you are haunting me, deluding me,
So close tou holding you, yet beyond my reach.

My torment doesn't end there; oh dear lord; no,
You are dangled in front of me; like a fish to a cat,
Completely satisfied where you are.

It brings me back to nights like this,
Holding you; caressing you,
The void; a large emptiness your love once filled.

Underneath the moonlight,
I watch the others; content,
as I count.

Counting what time we've had; how great it was,
Your scent; your touch; the sheer bliss!
but no more; this is true.

without you, my heart is but a lonely cog,
without purpose; it grinds away my insides,
the sound of it's movement, echoing into the dark void.

My world has lost it's sun,
my sea has lost it's moon,
and my life has lost it's soul; my song has lost it's tune.


Losing the battle for power

Nov 25th

I just realised my date's keep changing the format of how I write them xP

In a more moderate and less-emo blog post, I had fun today. Watched 2012, (can't seem to get the sermons out of my head now, >.<)

Notes on people (yes, I'm a stalker. Bite me, assholes)

Subject A likes Subject B. Subject B is COMPLETELY oblivious (remind me to change that one day, need to give the subject a bloody whack in the noggin). But it's a 50-50 that Subject B likes Subject A's sister, Subject C.

Outcomes? Subjects A and C will not particularly like each other. If previous assumptions (not in above notes) are true, then catastrophe ensues.

Oh, how I love the smell of chaos brewing.

Losing the battle for power

Nov 24th

Looking back, it's been a helluva ride.
We've had our highs, our lows,
our insane highs, our depressing depths,
but it never mattered.

Us,
we were, we are a special brand.
We were, we are, two contrasting ends of the spectrum, but we fit perfectly together.
We don't see eye-to-eye always, but 99% is good enough, right?

Even from afar, people saw what deep, underlying thoughts lay,
even those completely unaware, eyeing cautiously.
You may not see it yet, and I still may be wrong,
but I'm pretty damn sure we're meant to be


Losing the battle for power

22/11

Ah, so I built myself a Skopio today. Took me 3 hours, 2 minutes and 22 seconds. Bear in mind, I did this all while watching Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The Amazing Race AND Supermodelme.

In other news, I has a maverick now.
:D

Losing the battle for power

19th Nov

I miss you.
Even if we weren't as 'elevated' (for want of a better term) as we were before, i just want to be with you.
You've obviously got better choices, so I see the futility of it now.

I hate being reminded.
It's like everyone is whispering, laughing
"He's alone. Look at him"
it's even worse to be told to the face, "She's much happier with me"

It's killing me from the inside out, did you know?

Losing the battle for power

Part 2, Self loathing

Things I learnt today:
I am never going to get anything done my way,
I am a failure.
Nothing I do will ever turn out right,
because I am a retard.
It is stupid to even try,
and I should be struck by lightning. At least that will be some form of highlight to my life.


Losing the battle for power

17/11

When will I learn to keep my mouth shut?
Fuck all this. Maybe I'm an accident on the face of this planet. Maybe I'm here simply to see how far I can be pressed.
The one good thing to happen in my life, and I fuck it up.
I feel like showering in kerosene and lighting a match.
That'll make EVERYONE happy, now wouldn't it?

Losing the battle for power

14th Nov

So, how many things can we say happened today?
They say everyone has their limits. I know mine now.

When you call a teacher a fucking retard for him to hear, it's kinda downhill from there.
But dammit, he deserved it. Completely. Hell, I should have just stood my ground. Dang containment measures.

Today was great though. Just spending time with her, it was awesome.
Even that half-second on the couch.
:)
Even the battle for power means nothing.

12/11/09

blammo, you're dead.
yay, my exams are over.
Seriously, time flies by really fast.

How we step up, assume power bestowed,
when only flashes ago were you looking to gain influence.
So quickly does the future bear down upon us,
and everything changes.

Losing the battle for power

10/11/9

Exams, how I loathe thee.
With all intensity and furiosity,
you make my mind twist and bend,
what the fuck, why can't you end?!

Losing the battle for power

6th November.

Okay, Exams have fucked me up badly. Seriously, I am failing all of them D:

To hold you close; the real dream,
Against all odds; all rules,
We'd be together; no matter the quo,
and that way we would last forever.

You,
Even the moon shines down with envy,
For only on her most glorious of nights,
Can she match a fraction of your beauty.

Spring wore a frown when I boasted thee,
Autumn itself, humbled,
corpses rose, and turned, and said;
'At least in my life, I have seen an angel'.

The flowers were shy to bloom once they had seen her,
even the Mona Lisa looked away,
afraid of being compared, condemned,
and afraid of being dropped for her.

And yet, I only stare at her, from my window,
but my heart beckons to her, and I shall wait for her response.

Losing the battle for power

1st Nov: Memorandum

It's been 2 years since the break-up that changed life itself.
In the interests of psychological development, let's see how much has changed.

2 years is a long time, particularly for me. I have never actually for any other since, other than the occasional good taco.
It still bugs me to be alone, even if I am now synonymous with the word 'patience'.

I've become slightly more daring in the mean time, and slightly less cool-headed.

either ways, happy anniversary Hann, glad to see one of us has improved in this time.

Losing the battle for power

31st October

Do you hear that?
the hollow wind, the immense night.
It accompanies our heartbeats as the only line-up of the evening's chorus
no one else around to hear it,
no one. Silence.

The crickets are everywhere, strumming their matrimonial songs,
finding. Seeking.
I wonder,
would love come to me if I only lived for a day, too?

Moonlight, a poet's inspiring flame.
For so long it brought upon the great works,
for only when hope seems gone is greatness inspired.

Words, whispers,
The meaning is lost as it is passed,
like water seeping through many a soil,
and for so long, such tales are only learnt from the first hand.

To feel that way, it must be nice,
To be able to feel like she is the only person for you,
and you for she.

maybe some of us weren't built for it.
maybe some of us were just built to be misunderstood,
shunned, ostracized.

I shall never know,
but instead I shall sit here,
looking at the stars above me.

Losing the battle for power

29th Oct

Frustration.
Pounding, bashing, internally swelling.
Never being able to have you, yet being reminded that I once did.
Like a fire dancing in front of me, incapable of being touched.

To know everything had been undone.
To know all that brought sorrow would come back.
Were I capable of it, thou would see emotion.

Maybe you and him were meant for each other.
But I want to be there, too.
My faith is still there, though it is blind.
There is no salvation where i'm headed.

Losing the battle for power

28th Oct

Pathetic.
Worthless.
all of it.
I am forever bound to walk, alone.
For every good day, I pay back 27 bad.
whoop-de-fucking do.
Losing the battle for power

27th October

Okay, let's look at things realistically. Just for a second. No poetic cover-up, no elements of hope and/or dreams.

-I'm in love with a person who is NEVER going to reciprocate.
-Ashley and I? Total bullshit. No matter how big a psychological advantage I get, never gonna happen.
-Fame? Out the door you go, you seem to have the wrong house.
-Hard work? Bullshit. Gets you nowhere in the modern world.
- Interesting personality? I am a boring, mediocre jerk with nothing redeeming. My existence is pointless. People shall forever walk over me.
-Talents? Only if you count complaining as a talent. Trust me, I am in no way talented. Every activity is a waste.


Losing the battle for power

26th October; p2

Let's pretend baby
that you just met me

lol. Opening lines to a song.
Why is it i'm only poetic when I'm on the verge of suicide? I'll never know.

You know the truth?
I'm alone.
As much as I try to hide it, as many 'temporary' fixes as I find,
when it comes down to it, who really loves the shadow on a wall?

Don't get me wrong, I've made some valuable acquaintances and one special person still remains in my heart.

But on events like say, valentine's or any other couple-based day,
I'll just echo melancholy. Everyone's gonna be busy.
Bleughk, I need to get a shotgun. Easier to shoot things.
Losing the battle for power

26th Oct

*sighs*
Exams underway, I think I'm fuckin screwed.
In other news, I don't think there'smuch to write. Aside from the fact that sniping in Halo is fun . Very fun. Until some sunuvabitch gets you from behind.

Na, Chill. It's gonna be okay, kay?
I trust you completely that you will survive this.


Losing the battle for power

22nd Oct

Y'know, love sucks.
It sucks even more, when everyone around you can't give you a straight answer.

I'll always be a painting on a wall,
abandoned, unnoticed,
What once people flocked to see,
yet now just looks down,
for there is no more hope in looking up; just a plaster ceiling.

I'll always be no more than a stain on the table,
what at first shook panic,
caused hysteria,
now just another 'funny story' to reminisce on a rainy day,
in a land where the sun always shines.

When you are next to me,
I amazed you never hear it,
the beacon; yelling profoundly,
like a drowning man for land,
or one who falls; he fears it.

To me you are not just a painting,
you are the grand Mona Lisa herself dressed in a golden frame,
You are not a stain,
but a regal watermark; to bring glory to one's name,
and you are important to me, like an umbrella in the rain, or shade in sunshine.

Yet somehow you bring a special warmth on those rainy days,
In quiet admiration,
you and I; I see a spark,
but it's only between us,
for what uproar would it bring,
for the Mona Lisa to be seen with a mere painting.

Losing the battle for power

Oct 22

Dammit, being at home sucks. Bad enough I'm STUDYING (oh noez!)
made even worse by the fact I miss my not-girlfriend.
Let's be positive here, what's the worse that could happen?
.......
I'm not even gonna go there, dude.

Losing the battle for power

The heat, driving us to insanity,
it was as if hell had been brought to us,
And yet those with faith looked on,
yelling: The storm is coming!

I looked on,
The winds howled like the obedient wolves,
The sky itself growled,
and yet all that came,
was a drizzle






Losing the battle for power

19th Oct

Before I begin with this edition of my writing, Happy birthday Charz, Chang and Zarissya, the three of you guys rock out loud :D

Okay, so there are several things to touch on. Firstly, I have a new project I should (hopefully) finish by the end of the week, a (hopefully) mini-series called Ackar's Journey. It should be about 3 parts long, with minimal dialog (a Poisonblue trait).

sorry it's so tiny >.<
Will try to make it bigger. Eventually.

Either ways, I miss you..

Losing the battle for power

Apologia.

If you are reading this, I doubt in my condition. Be it dead or in an asylum, unless I have the strength to pull through. Will ponder said decision further.

Bonds. Ties. Everything.
All so very important. Apparently. I've never felt too attached to anything living as of late. A few jerks of emotion, that's it.

Something about you saying goodbye, something about the thought of never having you at my side, that's just unbearable.

Rain. Tapping. Pouring. Relentlessly, it comes. Wonder how it feels like, to just go on ahead with something. Around us, so many live with one purpose.

Listen, I will cut the poetic crap now.
You, you really are my everything. If it sounded like I lost faith in you, I'm sorry. But what are we fighting over?

There's no prize. Nothing.

It's pointless telling you over and over again, i'm sorry. I will redeem myself, in any means necessary. I have no excuse for myself.

but I love you. I don't like it when I hurt you. It drives me into such furiosity I begin looking at knives and windowsills.

You made me feel like I existed, Na. When everyone else ignored me, you treated me like a person. You gave me pet nicknames that usually only existed in intimate relationships. You kept me in place when i'd felt like I'd lost myself.
Being with you is like bliss. It's greater than bliss. It stopped me from cutting the line like I should have so long ago.

After so long, I truly feel sadness.
How the violins cry,
and the lack of the stars in the sky.

I truly feel what it's like,
the world you completed, in shreds,
my life you gave meaning, a void.

When the depths alight with the flood of sorrow,
nothing. There is no tomorrow.
And for the first time in years, I start to tear,
Why? why won't you come back here?


From the journal of W. Amirul Adlan: Given up.

flip-side. 16th Oct

Wow. I really am a piece of work.
I seriously fuck everything up. Wether with my self-loathing, or insecurity. I mean, seriously. We're not even TOGETHER and I think she just dumped me. WTF?!

Seriously. All i've done, all i've EVER done, was support her with little alterior motive.
So maybe I took some things a little seriously. So what? One does not get backstabbed and think of sunshine and roses.

maybe this is me being told to stay the course. stick to the Plan.
Farah, when are you coming online?? D: I needz your warm bitch-slaps!

Battle for power status: Unknown

17th Oct

Woo!






So, today was fun. My geeky day-off, to just do random crap.






Went to Visa's for a Deepavali open house. Kick-ass time there. I tell you, Chun Ming really knows how to liven up a party!

Also, might I add the HOTNESS at the party. Seriously, never knew I'd meet a 7.5 there. So, after that totally random moment, we all walked in the rain to Bangsar Village to play cards.

Sure, I got trashed repeatedly, but hell, who gives a fuck?

So that's one random moment in the game.

DISCLAIMER: Geeky battle report following. Please avoid this section if thou hatest all geeks.

So, what you see is me against Chang, with Sableye and Budew as active. Honestly, this was going fuck slowly. My SF Sceptile was in the prizes (oh noez!) and my spare was replaced by my new GE Sceptile. Without energy mobility, I was lost.

After pissing off Chang by playing Shedinja SV, Chang started keeping Magneton handy for taking it out (with Magneton being the only powerless pokemon in play and all, he didn't have much of a choice. Expand or be picked off, simple as that)

However, after he was sure it would be gone, I brought out my Grovyle (no sceptile D:) and managed to score some KO's, like his Sableye and Electivire FB Lv X. (seriously, that was awesome shit. No damage counters involved. Pure ko-ing)

However, Dialga Lv X started pissing me off. Time skip is a pretty fucked up ability, making you gamble with a 25% chance of you getting fucked. Badly. By the time I brought Yanmega out, I scored a K-O on his Dialga Lv X (he wasn't keen on sending out Magnezone LvX, he was sure I had something mean up my sleeve)

Alas, I got trashed, with the final score 6-3. I think I came pretty close, don't you?

End disclaimer

Also, I FINALLY GOT TLR!!

Seriously, the movie wasn't as grand as I thought it'd be, but it was reasonably good. Special effects were good, but plot was relatively good. Still, Tuma had almost as little screentime as his Skrall :(

Alas, I couldn't help having a few dark thoughts. But I shall perish them, for now.

nyehehee.

Hi Hann!!

Amazingly Giddy.

Fuck this. This post doesn't even deserve a date.

Fuck you.
Fuck everyone around you.
Fuck anyone else who even starts sentences like you.

Hope; so fucking stupid.
So amazingly indescribably stupid, so amazingly indescribably dumb.
Should learn my lesson, just don't fucking care.

Ostracize myself, just be left fucking alone.
Nothing, no one. That way, no hopes to bring up.

No one to ruin you.
One bad thing is one thing, to have a series, a bad day, a bad YEAR, that just fucks everything from a-z.
Fuck this.

This post doesn't deserve a sign-off

12th Oct

Okay, kids! complete the phrase: "L-O-..."

did you answere "L-O-V-E"?
WRONG!
"L-O-A-T-H-E" is the answer!
Loathing for yourself,
loathing for that asshole bossing you around,
loathing for your com which keeps restarting,
loathing for everything around you.

In other news, It's over between them and things still don't look any brighter on my end. I've been called a testimony to patience, and lonely nad "oh shit!"

Seriously, retards, I can't believe I tried to impress you guys.

as for you,
my life's a freaking wreck.
I miss you.
I love you, I really, really do.
I'd create a parade in your honour if I could just to let you know, I really would.

Without you, nothing pleases me.
Not the hissing of the flame,
just you and I, maybe the Notre Dame,
To think you wouldn't return it,
it's like stabbing me over and over.

you.
The only one deserving of such verse,
I want the rush of your skin against mine
How our hearts would beat with speed together
How your scent is maddening.

Alas, reality sets in.
And you and I, forever and ever, are apart.





Losing the battle for power

11th October

You.
Every pounding, pulsating, unreciprocated moment,
every cold, dying second where I am not with you,
it tears me to bits.

You.
You are like the end of a good book, the Tin Man's heart!
You have inspired the strangest things in me!
and yet you insist that we go on, this tango in the moonlight,
Until even the most precise of clockwork is trivialed with inconsistencies.

You.
Against much better judgement, I play this game,
until all the cards are dealt, I dig my hole
you say there is no love felt, I disagree,
I am tired of repeating, I love you, can't you see?!

You; I chase you, against all better judgement,
to the end of a man's faith, till only I; solely,
To hope to hold you in my arms,
my angel; my only.

Losing the battle for power

7th Oct

Fuck this.
Why. Fucking why.
All I need to know.

I can't compete. I'm not mr sweet, romantic, I don't do anything that fangirls squeal about for weeks to come.

Fuck this, why won't I just flicker out of existence?

Losing the battle for power

6th Oct: whoop-de-doodly-fuckin-do

Okay, let's get this straight.
Yesterday=AWESOME
Today=SUCKAGE

So, she's found someone else. AGAIN.
Fuck, I swear at this rate, I'll be at this game of tag for an eternity.
Or worse, we'll get together 5 seconds before we have to break up cus we can't stand long distance.

But Hann, since you're reading this,
love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you.



Losing the battle for power

28th September: Empty shadows, insecurities, the like.

pfft.

no response? good.

Let's face facts.
I don't take your breath away
I don't make your heart race
I don't create grand gestures
Hell, I don't even get you WMDs.
I don't make you grin like a lunatic
I don't charm you in any way
I don't in any way make time stand still around you.

Let's face it, my touch doesn't make you shiver.
I don't in any way make you feel like you're the only person in the world.

When it comes to other people, it's like the world is covered in deep fog, I am just a shadow flitting in the mist. People walk by, even through me.

Nothing really matters in the end, I guess.
Losing the battle for power

27th Sept; part 3

Wow, what an eventful day.

How long will I keep this charade up?
He's crazy for her, she's crazy for him,
fuck this, I'm going skydiving.

My hand are shakin
From carryin this torch
From carryin this torch for you
- Sondre Lerche, my hands are shakin.

I know the common thing to say is "MOVE ON FUCKTARD"
that's probably true.
But almost everyone around me is shallow, decadent, pretentious.

Just don't see it anymore.
Maybe this is how my life will play,
a game of tag; chasing you like night and day.

I won't ever pretend to know.
Until then, I shall flicker in and out of existence,
I shall stand on the line between life and death, and wait for a breeze to come and blow me one way
Losing the battle for power

27th sept, part 2

Apologies for the really short post. Was distracted by futile hopes and meaningless dreams.
Now that your host is back to surreal not-too-normal self, back to the monologues.

Honestly, I think everything I do is for nought.
'happy returns'. pfft. my ass.
I mean, seriously. Everyone around me. EVERY FUCKING ONE.
okay, that's a little overboard, deep breaths, happy place.

I dunno, k? It's just...
I understand the situation completely. It can't happen.
But what if I want it to that badly?

Would reality and fate unwind just a little to let me through?
pfft, you wish.

Let's slam it down on the cold and grey here:
It's not gonna happen, with her or ANY other carbon-based lifeform, for that matter.
I exist outside the system. Miracles don't exist in my world.
As long as I am in my horrid loop, they never will.



Losing the battle for power

27th September

Ha, so long since I've had an update.
How to say this, I think I really need to get laid.


Fighting the battle for power

25th July

Well, it's that time again.
The time where you've got alot on your mind and no one gives a fuck enough to listen out.

Funny, huh?
If they say life's a wheel, then that's one fuckin' huge wheel and one fuckin' slow motor.
I've seen galapagos turtles die of old age faster.

To constantly be weighed down listening to others, yet when you're bothered, they immediately go, "so?"

Not to say I don't wanna hear your problems, just sayin, mind givin me a listen for a change?

I swear, I hate being alone.
No one to lean on when i'm depressed,
no one to say, "hey, you can't make an omelet without breakin' a few eggs, y'know?"
no one to have faith in me when I myself don't.

spending the night of big parties in a quiet room, looking through the shadows of my past.
I mean, my self esteem is pretty dented as it is. Sucks not being, "mr attractive" or even "mr funny".

Sucks even more watching people LIVING LIFE while I waste it entirely, seriously.
I miss the warmth of a hug,
the sweetness of a stolen kiss,
hell, I miss a sincere "good morning" for fuck's sake.

Now, I'm either just a fuckin feeling atm, or a shadow on the bathroom wall people talk to but never really acknowledge.

Or let's just face it.

In the face of ultimate defeat, everyone goes a little insane

Fighting the battle for power

I hate you, and you, and you, not you, though, I LOATHE you.

For therapeutic reasons, I shall not monolouge this time. Instead, this shall simply be a list on all the things I hate. So this is my post, of hate.

Wan Amirul Hates...
Not doing well in school
Studying
Not being understood
Being shunned
being assumed to be something
forgetting what he wanted to do
failed plans
not doing plans
work
being alone
All of the people I am not at liberty to mention
Never being able to get what I want
Pretentious people
Unrealistic people
Being confined
Being bored
feeling left out
having to write something out
it when his pens run out of ink simultaneously
it when his brother finishes his food
it when he isn't able to do what he wants
materialism
capitalism
a force of power I am not at liberty to discuss
waiting
being helpless
reality
'Microphone wave in failure'
mortality
immortality
lack of respect
form 1s. Spare a select few
Mixed signals
being taken for a ride
ungrateful asses
being treated like an object
forgetting
time limits
greed
being showed up
you
you
you

Seeing that I'm the only one alone
the truth
liars
theives
rempits
smokers
drug addicts
discriminating fucktards
School.



Fighting the battle for power

23rd June

What a lively month. So many posts. I remember I had something cheery to write this morning, but I shall try my hardest to retain that spirit before I remember the REASON I made a blog called 3/4 glass empty.

Pfft, democracy my ass.
Pardon that. Just needed to let something out. Well, today was farely reasonably not too much but what the fuck anyways okay.

So many frustrations in life, no?
There's losing.
There's winning and not knowing what to do anymore
there's not being INVOLVED
and then there's it.

That burning feeling when something you want is within your grasp, and then jumps every step you take an inch further.
Don't bother explaining the physics to me and how I'll eventually get it, I know that.

Gahh, I wanna watch Transformers 2 BADLYYYY.
Wow, this post almost makes me seem normal.
It seems I have a habit of making boyfriends uneasy. How deliberately awesome.

I shall have fun with this.

Fighting the battle for power

June 17th

What is it that makes us human?
Is it our will to deter right from wrong?
or our willingness to continuously push forward?
Or what if its the other way around?
To be driven by an animalistic urge to move forward, until we've advanced this far.
Ironic, no? To have become human by being animalistic.

This however, has nothing to do with the reason I'm here today.
Twice in a week, new fuckin record. whoop-de-fuckin-do.

Isn't it funny, to hide behind a mask everyday?
To let everyone see something different about you, never knowing what hides behind the mask. Only in their final hours, a person can show who they really are.
Or when you find out without them knowing.

I wonder, after wearing such a mask for so long, have I forgotten what I am?
Impossible. While others are immersed in self-gratification, I myself am too busy for such things.
After all, this is what this blog is about, no? My twisted perspective of a twisted world.

Everything is meaningless. Only until you truly observe it will it have meaning, and even that is something you inject. So what do you do when you wake up and realise such a horrid realisation?
When you feel the cold world turn beneath your feet, when you feel the very pulse of such a heartless being, when you find out you really are without a doubt just an insignificant semi-speck in the big portrait?

What if you were hit by such a surge of realisation, that there has been no meaning to your life? That even those you hold close are further away than you think, that your goals constantly advance 10 paces everytime you advance one, that there is no one who will look out for you in your darkest hour.

That all's horrible is only bound to end horribly. Consider this a testimonial to my condition, I am sure some expert will make sense of my ramblings as it is nothing other than the thoughts of someone you'll never see, right?

Fighting the battle for power

15th May: Your Song

Funny thing. I help people . Alot.

I fix people's lives, pull them out of the gutter. Most love stories have an ending cus I intervened at some point. Or at least calmed a person down.

But one funny thing persists:

WHERE THE HECK IS MINE?!

Not to be bratty, but hell, this is my blog. I can write whatever the fuck I want.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of never doing well at anything but failing, I'm sick of being tossed aside the second something good happens, I'm especially sick of never existing. I mean, where the hell did MY life go?

Sure, I'm glad you guys are together, really. But would it kill a guy to have his OWN story once in a while?

I mean seriously, what the fuck?

It's bad enough I can't see you without breaking down, now we're drifting away from friendship, I'm already losing trust in everyone around me

I may be desperate, but hell, it sucks being second fiddle all the time. I deserve for good things to come to me without effort.

Let's face it. I'm the unloved one at the end of the day. Not even a friend will check and reassure me that everything's all right. Frankly, no one cares. If I dissapeared, it would take a week for anyone to realise.

And that's being optimistic.

Stuck in a room, that's all I'll ever be. Even I can tell I'm pissed off, I'm not using my usual long winded monolouges. No.

I don't know what's triggered this. I just *poof*. I mean, just a LITTLE time in the limelight wouldn't be so bad, right?

Fighting the battle for power

1st May.

18 months.

How much can a person change in this time?

Alone, in the dark.

Not even anybody to say, "You'll be alright".

Total blackness.


Fighting the battle for power

21/4/09

Meh. Been away for a while. Between Rocket building, PRS Camp, and a bunch of other random crap, I've just had no mood to study. Seriously.

Called her today. She was making out with him and still picked up the phone.
My fault for being the concerned friend? possibly.

I don't get these humans. True, I am one. But I digress.

I offer my help and I'm thrown away the second you're done.
When it's time to return the favour, you don't bother.
When I am nice enough to forgive, you shun me.

Maybe being nice doesn't have an advantage. Maybe humanity just cant be saved. Maybe I should just join the crowd, or fade back where I belong.

Hopefully, in my final hours, I find out I'm not part of this damned species. It would soothe my troubled soul so much that I don't have to be one of them.

"When one window of oppurtunity closes, another opens. Often we are so busy mourning the first window we let the other get away,"

I tried looking for the other door, really. But so far, all you've taught me is that nothing is certain in this world but Death and Taxes.

Just came up with interesting thought. May postpone suicide, Big Man just inspired me.

Fighting the battle for power

April 7th

Humanity has lost it's flare.
I was a fool to believe any one person could ever truly be loyal.
It seems childish, but hell, I've lost the will to give a damn.

The pavement is our final resting place, the great and the poor alike.
In our final hours, no one person can remain 'civilised'.

All people are the same. None greater, none worse. Their empty promises are like empty buckets, only help you stay afloat.

The road of decency has lost meaning. When the tide comes in; I will make sure all those who make their empty promises are taking in water.

And as they look up, wondering what happened to the pushover, I shall gladly stride across water and laugh.

Fighting the battle for power

Am's Journal: 12/3/09

Got to hold her one last time.

Of course, life has it's price. I had to bear with annoyances and him.

However, today shall not be about him.

I remember a day when I used to sit around with scumbags like these every other day of the week.

Trying to intimidate.
Bringing down those who tried to go against them.

But I've seen them for what they are.

Cowards.
Pathetic pond scum, on the shoe of a man.
A fungus, with no real roots.
Not lethal, just annoying.

I can assure you that one day, their mistakes will be their last.
For when the clock strikes midnight, they will strike the ground.

Fighting the battle for power

Am's Blog: 9/3/09

How does it feel?
When you have your hands around her, does it feel good?

I am a walking shadow of the past, not to be noticed or given a second glance at.
Although it is neither of our faults, I must admit my jealousy.
I guess some people can have it all.

____________________________________________________________________

Do you know I cry myself to sleep sometimes?
Not being able to hold you, not being able to even see you at times.

I am reminded of how I lost you every day.
You are so happy with him, I barely have the heart to do it.

But I don't think I can live any longer without you.

I miss your warmth against mine, I miss your scent that would leave me on a high for a short while. I'm turning into something I don't like, and I think only you can stop it.











Fighting the battle for power

What's it feel like to be a ghost?

In reference to the above topic.

How does it feel, to be human?

To gladly feel a part of this existence, to be able to get the most of life.

How does it feel to be happy?

Does the surge of emotion last, or is it similar to the feeling of being blown apart?

Flooding at first, but eventually fades like paint on a house.

Yet could it be this little wisp of bitterness, this drop of corruption, this non-existant writer, has found reason to live?



Fighting the battle for power