27/6/10

sorry, this post is gonna be very distracted. Germany vs England. 2 -1.
and now 4-1.

I'm curious as to what I wanted to post. oh well, nothing now.
But I posted my new movie already. In actuality, it would have been much nicer as just a suit-up scene. but oh well, loved it anyways. Fun experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdLlC-6S3AA

25/6/10

Today was depressing.
I did badly for alot of my tests, again. Went through a major depression phase. Smashed the correction tape to tiny little pieces. Sharp ones. Alia caught one of the pieces and refused to return it to me >.<

Frustrated later on because everyone's busy with their own thing. A bout of melancholy, too.
Nostalgia a bit.

Something someone said is lingering in my head, not in the good way.
Alot of people's patience is running thin with me. Others just never cease to be impressed with me.

I guess it's a question of who am I going to listen to, eh?

having no human outlets sucks at times. Most of my guy friends are busy and alot of the girls are getting annoyed that I make little progress. at least they're not as concerned for my health when I'm planning something.

On another note, I have an RM15o footstool for prom. whoop-de-fucking-do
Losing the battle for power

24/6/10

I'm sad.
I've started doubting everything and everyone around me.

You know what's funny about a wheel? even if you spin it the other way, you still create a cycle.
Misery, hope, dissapointment. 3 common events happening in my life, one after the other.

I hate being a failure. Knowing that any effort I pour in is wasted anyways. I mean, why try, right?
Or that the only empathy you get is from the correction tape you smash into the ground.

So, my confused readers, what do I want?

I want that feeling, where you can look at even the most random thing, and just smile at a person because somehow, it has another meaning.

I want to be wanted. I want someone to actually say for once, "God, I wish Amirul was here,"

I'm melancholic, I'm whiny, I'm self-destructive. Whenever the world doesn't get in my way, I do. All the winning traits of a priceless gem like me.

I wonder where all my boundless confidence has gone.




Losing the battle for power

19/6/10

Every cloud has a silver lining.
I admit, at first I was distraught when I was told I was the least liked out of them. But finally, it struck me. I was given immortality. I don't have to WORRY about how much the others like me anymore, because they never did in the first place.

I've been using alot of 'Wh' words lately. Why? Who? and my two most recent, Whiny and Whore.
I'm sorry, there's no other way to describe it.

Other than shooting squad.

Losing the battle for power

17/6/10

You know, i've almost forgotten how much fun it is to be cynical. Or a jerk, for that matter.
While it's not good all the time, tender moments like these are just plain awesome.

Losing the battle for power

16/6/10

Let me think about it.
I would love to hear you say those words again. With feeling.

I would like to be an important part of your life again, but clearly that's not happening.

So many things in life we wish we could change. But rarely does it ever happen.

So sick of being the odd one out. So sick of being shoved into the sidelines. So sick of never being good enough.



Losing the battle for power

15/6/10

It's great to be a guy.
I mean, I have problems.
Like how to impress people, how to fit in
why won't you fucking love me?

But, like a guy, I can just hide. Escapism. Run and hide.
Thank god for the world cup. People seem to be so much happier knowing I'm enjoying 22 people beating the crap out of each other.

And I like the good vibes, too.

I also learnt how important Farah is in my world today. Awesome bitching buddy. Liek Srsly.

Losing the battle for power

14/6/10

Ever had that bad feeling choking at your throat? I have it.
Guess I'll close my eyes and hope something good comes out of it.

Everyone has a little crazy side in them. I guess it shows themselves in different ways. Unfortunately, mine shows itself when I'm trying to impress someone. Dammit.

I REALLY, REALLY, want you to know the good side of me. I don't necessarily want to fall in love with you (although getting in your pants, optional), but I seem to scare you away every chance I get.

In the end, I guess it's really up to them wether or not they want you for it or not. It's like a water filter, it keeps everything out.

Losing the battle for power

8/6/10 (ACTUALLY)

yeesh. I hate this whole midnight system. Sucks giant balls.

So, metaphorically, I'm floating. In a pool. It feels relaxing. Almost makes me feel happy.

But it gets me to thinking.

Yes. I'm resentful. And bitter. And Harsh.
I'm a bully.
I'm egoistic, largely out for my own gain and I'm also just a little bit of a good liar.

But I'm not a bad person. At least I don't think so.
Does anyone really think they're a bad person?

I digress. I just needed to clean that off my chest before I get to the heavy metal thinking.
Yes, I'm a liar, but never ever doubt it when I say I love you guys. In fact, I'd love to say that in person, but I'm pretty sure you guys would restrain me and interrogate me in means simply inhumane for posing as me.

You guys up there, is this thing on?
Hi. Miss you all. I'm not good at this kind of thing. For some of you, I really do think about you. Always. Just ain't the same, y'know?
I guess the reason things that happen in your childhood affect you better than things that happen now is because it has a larger effect on you then. Children only know a total of, say, Five people in their lives on average, while a teenager can know some 200 by then. So when a person goes, to a teen that's only 0.5% of the people there in their lives but that's a 20% cut of a child's.

Urgh, digressing again.

As much as I can rant, I'm not good at the mushy stuff, so here goes:
An article I once read says that it's healthier to release any negative emotion in you, so I will just have to come out and say it.

I forgive you all, and hope you guys can find it in yourselves to forgive me.

Now, put down the handcuffs, because I need to explain what exactly that was.
For every time I've ever annoyed you, lied to you, hurt your feelings, dissapointed you. Even if you'd forgotten about it, I hope you'd fogiven me for it first.

However, I'm not divine. I'm not gonna go around hugging people and bringing joy and sunshine. Magical thing about hate is that it always grows back. I'm just emptying the tank for now.

But to you special people, including a special mention to Hannah Azlan,
As much as I may lash out at the world around me,
as much as I may dream of running a knife down other people's necks,
you've got a special place right next to my heart.

Losing the battle for power

8/6/10

"How are you so damn bubbly all the time?"
"Well, I look into a mirror every day and say 'you are a failure. But maybe, just maybe, if you pretend it enough that you're happy where you are, every one will be stupid enough to think you ARE happy and you'll get a kick out of it and actually BE happy. Or you're actually stupid enough to believe your own damn lie. And believe me, you're never going to find an intelligent way of BEING happy',"

Pardon my mood slaying.
Just needed to post that up.

Losing the battle for power

6/6/10

it's so frustrating, I must say.

"If only they knew what went on in your head"

Been reading blogs. For the record, may I NEVER come near another junior's blog. Ever again.

But I came across one particular blog. "Hope he doesn't treat her like he treated me. No one deserves that"

I'm sorry if I ignored you. Everything I ever did, there was always one constant person supporting me through it. while I was convinced I was head-over-heels for you, only recently did I realise there were much, MUCH deeper levels I could love you on.

This coming from the cynic who posted a rant on how stupid love is, right?

But it's true. I love those tiny little gestures of affection, even if it's drumming on my broken wrist or a wave in the mornings.

Everyone else, they're friends. I hope you know that even if she stripped down naked for me, I wouldn't give her a second glance. No matter how many other friends I have, they could never take your place. Ever.

The only problem I've had lately is that I, a person of low self-esteem, had been having self-esteem crashes.
If by any chance you're willing to talk to me again, because I am, then I have something really important to tell you.

3/6/10

I'm worthless.
Self-esteem is not at an all-time-high, if you haven't guessed.

Failure to do ANYTHING.
Anything right, anyway.

I'm sorry, guys. I'd love to commit 100% to your perfect little world, but I can't. I'm not optimistic enough to believe anything good is coming my way or nearly mature enough to believe it already has.

Sometimes I wanna yell it out, sometimes I wanna sock the nearest person in the face. But I figured, not like anyone cares what I do, right?

not like you care what I do, anyways.

Or maybe I'm just feeding you what you want.

Losing the battle for power

2/6/10

hmm.
I could swear I was gonna rant today.
I'm annoyed, but I can't put it in words



Losing the battle for power