30/12/10

Why do we do it?

we move along among others, pretending like we belong.

we are like shadows on the wall.

We only see things come together, no one sees the real distance.

we are in the mist, everyone is just passing by.

Who are we? Me.

Sorry, my poetic centre isn't working. I knew I'd be bummed about Yan leaving, but this is pushing it. I've been in a rather foul mood, and the fact no one in my household seems to even bother listening to me makes it worse.

I know, the world doesn't revolve around me. But it seems that the year is just gonna start with abandonment issues for me. Yan's left for the UK, Chang leaves for NS on the 2nd, Melor leaves for college soon after.

When I saw her today, I just couldn't help but feel... empty. I mean, I know there was some distance between us as of late, but she was, in a way, one of the people who was there for me. We could talk about video games, movies, drawings (although I am never gonna be as pro as her) and even be sick, I haven't met anyone like that in a while. Someone who could hit me back with the same stuff.

I don't understand why I'm so emotional about this. I'm used to resets. I'm on top of things. I can be moved location-to-location.

She put up with so much of my crap, I can't believe she did all that without ever submitting and telling me her problems.

And the punchline? my big plan for her farewell couldn't have failed harder. Didn't get the presents, the party or the shirt. Hopefully, a day with the guys tomorrow will keep my mind off things.

It's just how I roll

29/12/10

Straight off the bat: Tron: Legacy has one of the most epic soundtracks ever. Daft Punk was an AWESOME choice for it (and everyone on the Grid looks like they're auditioning for a third member of daft punk anyways)

came back from penang and had my 1v1 against darren with Alvin spectating. Sure, I lost but I learnt some new things.

Alvin says I'm too passive. I need to be on the offensive and so I'm thinking a heavier baneling push. Until I can get the speedlings out.

Supposed to be at the airport to say bye to yan tomorrow. Really am gonna miss her. We had one of our bioshock chats just now and it made me realise it was all in my head.

new year's coming up, my big plan failed. Oh well, loads more where they came from.

It's just how I roll

28/12/10

I can safely say my self esteem returned today, if only for a short while.

Saw a hot chic at breakfast, beat myself when I couldn't get to talk to her. But apparently fate works in mysterious ways.

Saw her again. wait for it. in a super skimpy bikini. wait for it. talked to her, too.

Even though I epic failed (she was 23, vietnamese and I probably scared the crap outta her) the fact I mustered up the courage to talk to her and not die when I realised what was going on was a BIG boost to the self-esteem.

It's the little things like this that will bring me closer to you.

It's just how I roll

27/12/10

WHYYYYY

Internet dropped me from my starcraft game. Was almost certain my new build would work this time. fuck.

Muta's are fast growing to be my fav unit (sorry brood lords). They're fast, deadly and (relatively) cheap.

Been taking time to prod Chang's life a bit. Even though he doesn't know, my meddling may be for the better. Shush now.

Ignoring your refusal to accept my existence, never mind it. I'm still saying goodbye. I owe you that much.

I don't know, life is full of disappointments lately. Prom was one (although proving that you can have fun without a date was awesome), the fact that everyone was making out or slowdancing was kind of frustrating. This holiday isn't what I'd call brilliant (although thank god I have internet, even if it's slow)

Maxim went and stirred up an issue best left unstirred.

I'm all alone.

bleugh

It's just how I roll

21/12/10

It's bad enough I actually liked you for a while. It's even worse you won't be here any more. The punchline? The fact I'm being shut out before all of this boils down. I'm just lost.

It's almost like I never existed. Or that I'm just some scrap metal on the side of the street.

I'm not holding anything against you, I figured my personality needs some re-adjusting anyways.

But it just stings that I can be so easily ejected out of people's lives. oh well, like I said. Being a loner means just that. No attachments. a background on the nickelodeon.

Signed up for college today, no comment on that. Other than stupid chlamydia sp jokes.

Lost 2/2 against chang on starcraft. He's learned not to put his money on photo cannons, and prefers warp gates because of the superior warp time. I could probably kill him if he didn't have archons (and their stupid bonus against zerg units) .

So here's my plan. It took some digging, but I'll do it. The oldest trick in the book:

wait for it

The 6Pool. if I can overwhelm him before his gateways come up, I can slow down his economy just long enough to power a full assault. Fingers (and Zerglings) crossed.

May have found a mentor. Hurm.

It's just how I roll

19/12/10

Went around looking at colleges yesterday. Never have I felt the future bearing down on me like I did just then.

Aside from the fact my plans just got thrown into a blender.

I either start college in Jan or may. May is WAY too long, but Jan is just... bleugh. two weeks from now. In a way, I won't be worried about running out of things to do, I guess.

Been doing some thinking. How is it that every time I like a girl, I seem to push her away? it's happened with Ashley, and many other candidates I have figured will remain anonymous.

Another thought comes to mind: What if it's all in my head? I mean, mindset plays a big role.

So many questions, so little time.

I mean, you could be what I need. Someone who can see things the way I do (for the most part) without being a carbon copy of me (god knows he made the Amiruls far apart for a reason). Being around you makes me feel happy, and I guess after being lonely for the social equivalent of eternity, I need someone like you.

Oh well, not that you'll ever find out. Game on.

It's just how I roll

15/12/10

It's been 2 weeks into december.

6 days since I finished my SPM.

Went out with Alex and Ashley today. I think Alex is starting to notice who I am. Hurm.

Either ways, had a blast. Even if I had to leave.

Discovered the other day what a fun Deathmatch on Doom 3 is like. Also, taught chang what crowning was with hands-on practice. That's right. Multiple crownings.

A lot of my goals are coming to life now. Got my master chief figure, hanging out with friends, all makes me feel alive. I just feel... happy now.

Also, duetting Love The Way You Lie with Ashley. Wtf?

It's just how I roll

12/12/10

It's really happening.

All around me, things are unfolding. In the good way. Oh, how joyous.

Hoping somewhere I go, i'll find MUA 2.

List of games:

Bioshock 2

MUA 2

Dante's Inferno

God of War 3

Fallout: New Vegas(?)

Red Dead: Redemtion/ ANY GTA game.

making plans for next week. Can't let myself fall into a slump.

btw, Yan, if you've been stalking my blog, it's time we went out for some zombie killing. Liek srsly

It's just how I roll

10/11/10

It's over. After several weeks of breaking down, SPM is over. Of course, my post is a day late. Was busy having fun yesterday and letting it all go.

I can honestly say, I feel a LOT better now. I feel more... optimistic. A little less worried about being alone, a little less worried about what everyone thinks.

Also, I think I can work this confidence to my advantage.

So I'm REALLY hoping I get to see Ashley this week. It would much a suck if I didn't get to spend this happiness with her.

think that's it for now.

It's just how I roll

7/12/10

Am having a high now, so gonna post about it while I can.

Re-introed to The Tick today. Can honestly say I've never laughed so hard in a LOONG time.

Of course, that could mean a week. I forget. fucking exams messing up my sense of time.

Also finally got my revenge on that fucking ai in starcraft. Headphones, you were avenged.

Am starting to get the feeling you don't want me around. I mean, I know I make inappropriate comments, and that most of the time I come across as one-dimensional and someone who belongs in a comic book, but I think you should know I really do care, it's just hard to show it when something bad happens every time you try to.

I guess our world's are very different. Your world has everyone racing for the next hand grip, mine is to just not fall off.

I won't hold it against you if you despise me. I'll still miss you when you're gone, I'll still pretend like everything's okay. As terrible a liar as I am, hiding behind arrogance is the one thing I am without a doubt good at.

It's just how I roll

4/12/10

It never occurred to me what's going down. All around, things will change. It's not going to be something I can STOP, nothing I can control. Just something that will happen.

I guess that's life. You can rant about it, you can protest, you can even try mailing a petition to The Big Guy, but 26 out of 24 times, it will happen anyways (don't tell me I got my stats wrong, I know what I was typing). And for mailing a petition, I doubt that would work.

People are moving on to pursue what they want in life. Things will change and things will stay the same.

Darren keeps reminding me that next year is a clean slate. That I'm getting that new world I've always wanted. Guess I should see it that way too. So to everyone, I hope you know, no matter what happens, I'll always look back on these past few months with a smile. I may have been demented, murderous and even one-handed on occasion, ignored you completely, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Hmm, not MUCH....

Kidding, kidding.

This all dawned when I did another reflection: I have an awesome life. I get to make awesome shorts with an awesomely insane film crew, learn and teach stop-motions and play videogames until I assume I have a HP bar floating over my head. I also have this LOONG never ending quest for love, and an imagination active enough to drag me into the stupidest things.

So yeah, life's pretty good.

For the record, when that fb page said that the perfect guy replies your messages even when he's playing a game, that was a sign for you to come and get me ;)

It's just how I roll

2/12/10

I'd like to think I'm a very vengeful person. The kind who would never let go of a good grudge. the kind who is one bad day away from actually slitting your throat where you stand, and 2 bad days away from torturing you first.

I'd like to think I'd do it to all your fellow low-lives too. Get a nice board to tie your wrists to. Tie ropes around your necks and hang them from a ceiling fan. Yes. one of you on each blade as I shiver in excitement over what comes next.

No, I won't leave it at that. You see, as long as the board is still attached to your disgusting bodies, you won't suffer. Not yet. A trapdoor under the board, perhaps? unimportant.

Before I actually kill you, I want the satisfaction of you knowing what you bred. Considering there's two of you I'd really want to kill, I wouldn't want to make a mess of things.

Perhaps I'd slice off the eyelids of you first, so you wouldn't miss what happened to your fellow comrade.

As for you, no. the one who can still close his eyes. I'd like to hear you talk big one last time. Before I hammer a nail through your left hand. Can't risk you freeing yourself from the board, can I?

I'd like to have a good shot at you too. Perhaps I could hammer out a few dents in your gut?

Time to go back to your friend. He probably deserves one in the gut too. and some burning oil on his arm. I won't be selfish about it. spoiling you is not a concern.

Since you're so fond of cigarettes, I'll just give you one last one, each. But to make sure we don't waste any precious time, I'll let you get straight to the good part. Run a fruit knife along your arm, and stick the lit cigarette straight in. Your other friend can have it down his throat. I'd be wearing gloves, of course. The mouth is a filthy place, after all.

Time to re-assess your positions. Make sure the adrenaline rush hasn't allowed you to break any of those ropes. Or tape. Or the nail.

Still there? good.

Here's the fun part. Now that you're probably talking big again, I can't have you interrupting the precision work that follows. It's high precision stuff.

Who am I kidding? No it isn't. Just gonna chop off one leg from each of you.

Before someone remembers MacGyver episodes, I'd saw the board in half.

Using a fruit knife, I'd then trace little cuts along your neck. You see, while you suffer my wrath, your friend there has the burden of having to watch it.

My dear audience member can then have the honor of being slashed across the face. The only orthodox thing to happen.

Now, I would have gotten it all out of my system, so I guess it's time to pull the trap door. Just in case the fan DOES break (which I would also tinker with to prevent) I'd sit and watch the ordeal. Hopefully, the board weighs you down enough that it's quick.

That felt good. Logically, I wouldn't do this in real life. But the idea of it was just so tempting I had to write it down. I'm sorry, but as extreme a punishment as this would have been , I can honestly say I despise you from the bottom of my heart. Our worlds need not have collided, but you made it so just to wreck it and get a few laughs out of it. So hopefully, and I mean hopefully, you die painful deaths by someone else's hands.

It's just how I roll