28/2/11

Several things I thought I'd touch on today. It's one of those days where everything comes out, cus let's face it: anyone can only take so much. Unless they're dead. tell them as much news as you want, be my fucking guest.

I'd like to repeat how much I loathe disappointments. Now, i'm not one to believe in the sanctity of a New Year's Resolution. Quite inversely, they're just empty promises made by fat chics to waste their money on treadmills and use them as high tech clothes dryers. But what I DO believe in is a promise. Especially one made between friends, because those are the people you're supposed to trust.

Call me melodramatic, call me closed-minded or hell, call me old-fashioned. Because I'll still think of you the same way as I do now. I can cover it up, say "it's not that bad, worse things could happen" but the truth is, you are a disappointment to me.

You may think I have double-standards because I know people who do similar things anyways, but there is a difference between buying a dead animal and poisoning a perfectly live one. And don't give me smack talk about my lack of metaphors or how i'm "condescending, preachy and patronizing" because when you decided to go with your druggie friends, you basically made your point that a promise YOU made slightly more than a month ago to someone you call your friend means absolutely nothing, as does the friendship.

I mean, some promises aren't so bad to break. I guess canceling lunch for the millionth time is pardonable, after all, your crack-head boyfriend is higher on your list of priorities anyways. I get that. But to actually become one of them.

I thought you were made of stronger stuff. So much for having a little faith in people.

I don't wanna hear your stupid excuses, because saying that 'it was gonna happen anyways' is basically validation that it's perfectly logical to put blood pressure pills into people's food because their hearts were gonna stop ANYWAYS.

I'm not over-reacting. I can't cover this in sweet-talk. You are no better than any of them now, and by taking your course of action you've just decided that not only does our friendship mean nothing, but you have no redeeming points in an argument anymore.

Go on, cry to your 'friends'. Make me out to be the bad guy. Pretend it's my fault that you finally decided after having to put up with your boyfriend getting high, you should join because 2 high people are infinitely more productive than someone with his head screwed on right.

In fact, if you're reading this, go on. Go again to 'de stress' because i'm so 'insensitive'. Because going down this road, that makes you dead to me.

You could have been so much more.

25/2/11

so let's go for that hate rant, shall we?

I know, it's pathetic. People are making a difference, falling in love, or at least dying in the name of science all over the world, and my legacy will be rants on how I wish they'd be converted into radioactive material to power the nukes I will later use to conquer the world.

I guess it should start with WHY I hate the world. I mean, everyone has this deep story about how they held their loved ones as they died from gamma radiation or bullet wound or maybe they just witnessed a murder or something...

I assure you, I am WAY shallower than that. You know my reason?

people= stupid. They either let you down, or they just ignore the obvious (guess I should explain the difference)

have you ever watched someone play solitaire? Not those elaborate saw-booby traps where if you don't draw fast enough your heart stops, but just a normal hateful game of solitaire. imagine the person playing has this bloody obvious move and they don't see it. You don't care if it really is attached to their pacemaker, but the fact they missed the move just makes you want to punch a guy in the face.

Okay, that wasn't clear enough. that implies I know the guy. Imagine you're hungry. Like fuck hungry. And there are 15 minutes in your lunch break, of the 3 you spent doing a mad sonic the hedgehog sprint UP a flight of stairs to get to the fucking Mcdonalds. And there's a guy in front of you who asks for the entire menu fucking repeated to him. In my world, it would be totally legal to have that guy castrated. and then executed.

That explains the latter, now for the former.

Not as elaborate a description, I guess it can be explained with a simple scenario. You've calculated the perfect plan to blow the shit out of the bad guy who's got a princess in his dungeon. you were going to save the world. then some dumbass decides that based on the powers of trust and friendship, he can solo every bitch-ass there and save the day.

Not my best description, but bare with me. I'm half asleep.

Now that we've got my reason for doing this covered, let's get on to the point.

If anyone reading this knows me, they'll know how crazy my imagination is when I don't know something. they'll also know it's not the most optimistic part of me. So somehow, believing that everyone around you is a whore, isn't so paranoid when in your head because in your world, it makes total fucking sense.

What's worse is when they assure you it won't happen. oh no, it'll never happen. 'good people'. PFFt. Only good people exist are the dead ones. cus you only remember the fucking good stuff about them when they're gone. even if you remember the bad stuff, you're pressured into forgetting it because they won't let you mention it anyways.

It's a let down, you know? almost makes me want to go back on all my promises and just go and fucking smoke my brains into mush. It's like I go to see Transformers 3 and the robots in the teaser are ALL the screentime they get, because the movie is 2.5 hours of TWILIGHT DIALOGUE.

While i'm on that topic of novels highlighting the importance of sucking someone's dick on a regular basis, can I just say that some relationships are just stupid?

I mean, to literally melt into depressing puddles of sadness because you let a guy walk all over you and he decides to end it. No shit, sherlock. this is a psychological conundrum even Freud couldn't solve.

I guess i'm being a little too general. not everyone spends their nights crying like Kristen Stewart and crying like Robert Pattinson. It's called a life. Have it? it's when you actually do something on the side to fall back on, instead of trying to fit a fucking elephant on a fucking rowboat.

Excessive metaphors bring me to something else: melodramatic emo fags. poetic is one thing, productive rants another, but to sit in a corner and whine like a little bitchfag just 'cus someone called you out for bringing nothing to the group but a negative IQ just isn't cool. Especially when you whine that no one replies to your fucking 'IM BOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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d.

I'm sorry, you must have me confused for fucking OPRAH. It's like summer blockbusters: if you're not gonna contribute anything remotely different to a conversation, do us a favor and shove a fucking firecracker up your ass and light it!

Okay, I'll admit: as a leader, I suck. out loud. I kinda goofed on my last assignment and my teammates are picking up on the slack. but seriously, this guy takes the cake. No where in any job description does it say breastfeed emote-abusing emo dickweed.

Before I actually press the button to send all this hate into cyberspace, I have one last target to headshot repeatedly: Fast-food workers.

Is it just me, or is stupid part of your pre-requisites? it's bad enough when I can calculate change faster than you can type the number in your till, and pause a sec, because you should be fucking familiar with that till because you WORK THERE, remember? but to basically just be slow and inefficient is practically asking for your ass to be kicked.

I don't mind slow people, it might just be a natural disability. But fat people, oh do they get it. The ones that deserve the shotgun? depressed fat people. So a guy called you stupid. Why are you taking it out on my fried chicken? He probably called you stupid because you're still stuck at KFC and you still wind up pressing 9 on your fucking keypad when you want to type 112 with your hippo-headed fingers.

That should settle things for today. But don't think i'm done with you lot yet.

It's just how I roll

22/2/10

I'm not feeling angry. my hardened ice-cold heart is currently warm fuzzy mush cus I miss ashley :) Hate rant postponed.

I know I haven't seen you in what appears to be forever (but is actually 6 weeks), the thought of just hanging out with her and all makes me happy. Even this whole dragging through college is made bearable with a lot of stupid antics and thinking of you.

But I'll try and be realistic. So I'll wait. patiently. Or impatiently, I'm cool with either.

I really can't describe how you make me feel. Over the next few weeks, I'll attempt to be better at doing it, but that's just it for now I guess.

It's just how I roll

20/2/11

I was gonna do another rant about things I hate, but I think it's time for a reflection. After all, even a guy like me has to occasionally put down the anger hat.

In a way, I guess I can say I kinda miss last year. Towards the end, there was this real zen family thing going on.

... and that's all I got. sounded much bigger in my head. oh well.

Talking to Yan today was nice. She mentioned all the stuff from last year, and it just hit a soft spot in this muscular pump I have for a heart. Especially when she went and mentioned all my antics.

Things change, I'm learning to accept it. But a flashback is always nice every now and again :)

It's just how I roll

Valentine's Special: I'll have salt with a pinch of fries please?

That's right, people, it's that time of year again!

All the so-called 'rehabilitated' emos look at their razorblades again and all those two-headed things flood our facebooks, twitterfeeds and sometimes our field of vision with all things nauseous, puke-inducing all in the name of some florist who needed extra income.

'But Amirul', I hear you say. 'You are one of said emos'.

nonono, I'm not. the difference is, I KNOW I'm alone. I LEARNT my lesson and although innocent people WILL die if I'm forced to watch mushy-couple-time again, that puts me just a few notches above the rest of you losers.

So, let's list out a list of things that are annoying on this retail rip-off that everyone makes such a deal of:

-The news. Seriously? it's the same shit every year. 2 weeks before the big day, someone will say it should be banned, and there will be a big huzzah about it, then it disappears. If you seriously cared about it and our 'integrity', you'd continuously fight for it. Instead it's a cry for attention.

-The whiners. 'my boyfriend says he's not gonna do anything/ Why am I all alone?' Let's start with the latter of the two. You carry yourself broadcasting 'hey, i'm depressed. LOVE ME'. I don't know who you're into, but trust me, the instinct upon seeing an injured race horse is to shoot it. Not make love to it. I shit you not. Give someone a REASON to love you, then they'll start considering it.

As for the former: FUCK YOU. it's a stupid day. one out of 365.25 per annual cycle. I can make up random holidays to celebrate too! MM, Valenswines day! I'll give you a pig if I think you're fat day! or toss an emo into a turbine day! seriously. If you're gonna CHOOSE what days they can say 'I love you', you may as well strap a tape recorder to a vibrator. Aside from the fact it lacks a wallet, it's pretty much what your boyfriend is now. Besides, he's probably only gonna say that because he's secretly planning to stop by with a) flowers, b) the sistine chapel or c) flowers arranged into the shape of the sistine chapel.

-The overgushers. THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE, DIDN'T YOU? sadly to say, no. you aren't. Seriously, if you wanna make so big a deal out of this stupid commercial rip-off and actually BELIEVE it's a day about true love, then why blurt it out to the whole damn world? I mean, SHUT UP, for cryin' out loud. If you 'loveeeee' him so much, shouldn't you be telling that to him IN PERSON? I mean, shouldn't it be a day about proving it to the other person? If you guys are gonna duke it out with other couples over who can make me puke hardest, it should be to the death. I'd like that.

I think that should sum it up. These rants keep me so damn jolly all the time, after all. Enjoy your day.

It's just how I roll

11/2/11

I am tired.

Tired of failing, of never being good enough. Of always being told things will get better when they aren't showing any signs of it.

Tired of always being the lonely one. the one that no one wants. The only one who has no one special to call on a quiet night, or to spend a weekend with.Who only hears stories of what 'love' is, but never gets to feel it first hand. The one who's only a shadow in the background.

The moon looks on. The sun still rises in the east. The tide still rises. But when your day isn't going right, it feels like it all stops just for that moment.

I'm not giving up, not at all. But even the most resilient traveler complains about his backpack every once in a while. What more me?

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to the world, that I'd never live up to its standards. That I'm so terrible at everything I do, and that I handle defeat so poorly.

Sorry that I was about to get all excited about the littlest of things, sorry that I even assumed I could survive like this.

If you haven't quite put the picture together, it's because you're a dumbass. You're a dumbass who deserves to be bludgeoned to death by oranges. I may be maniacally in love with myself at times, cocky and even brash, but my self-esteem can take so many hits. I'm still alone, I'm still not doing well at design, drawing OR fig studies, and I've still got intense anger issues. Also, that I'm saying goodbye to another fish soon. In all this stress, I just wish there was something I could do to make the pain all go away.

fuck this. fuck it all, shoot it, in fact. Just bare my teeth and go through with it. not like anyone would want my carcass anyways.

It's just how I roll

8/2/11

lemme start this off by saying that I despise the colour blue. Nothing personal, just all the accidents with my blue paint.

So, double sided coin today, Maxim says she's been talking about me in school. 'regularly'. Unfortunately, he also says I lack Regine's blessing. I think I probably know why.

Won another 1v1 Quick Match on starcraft though :D this one was actually pretty even in terms of APM. Basically, he made my mistake of not climbing the tech tree fast enough. Managed to keep him at bay with Hydras early on, their range really gives them a one-up on marines and marauders. Finally got my mutas out, snuck them round the base and hit his workers where it hurt. And planted a good old Nydus, giving Hydras easy access to the base. the shock when that happened was pleasing :D

I hope I survive until this weekend, and that she contacts me somehow. She makes me feel like I'm so much more than a cynical lonely geek :)

It's just how I roll

3/2/11

You know, it never occurred to me until my mom said it, what this year is.

This year really puts me in a completely new world, new rules. From balancing college assignments, to constantly learning about the Mac, money management, and now chores =.=/.

To top it all off, I am going on this adventure with minimal help from my friends, so it's about adapting.

Honestly, I don't like having to clean my brother's shoes. Dumbass should learn to do it himself.

these past 2 days were about just goofing off though. Maxim came over and we've been just chilling, playing Dante's Inferno and Starcraft, while making stupid jokes while he makes fun of the grin on my face every time she messages me :)

Even if she doesn't mean it, some of the things she says can just set me 3 inches off the ground.

It's just how I roll