30/3/11

Things I learned:

a) when I'm depressed, everything I COULD be depressed about will dropkick me at the same time.

b) Amirul- 2011 edition is more of a guy than Amirul '10

c) I'm not sleeping tonight.

Yeah, so the temptation of falling asleep is strong, but an angry Boon I wouldn't want. I've realised this year, I don't have the 'companion girl' @ that girl who I'm really close to. Last year it was Melor, etc. This year, I am straight up one of the most obnoxious people ever. And perhaps I'm tired of that.

Let's face it- one can only bounce between chics when there are chics to bounce between. While Lynette is still an unexplored venture, I'm really just too tired to keep this up.

I should probably just retire to my fate and rust in some corner. Collect dust and be forgotten in history.

ignore me, I need sleep.

It's just how I roll

27/3/11

Today's rant will be a little different. I will start hating on not just people, but stuff.

I mean, let's face it: nothing's perfect, but hell, sometimes things just plain suck.

Take for example- Facebook. It's pretty awesome. It occasionally comes up with new features. Sometimes they're cool (tagging friends in a status) and sometimes they take adjustment (liking comments. But when you add something like having the ability to ask questions- you just darn blew it.

I mean, let's first put it out that it doesn't matter what you ask, no one cares anyways. No one honestly feels that someone should support the epic Mac vs Pc argument. As with anything on facebook, the goal is that it makes them feel important. The jack-off posting the question is like "OHEMGEEZ. PEOPLE ANSWER3D IT. I ARE AWESOMEZ" and the cunts reading it are like THEY DESERVE MY ANSWERS.

Also, the fact that anyone can add their OWN answers kinda defeats the purpose, no? I mean, if I could phrase the answer MY way, couldn't you have just asked it as a status and then let me comment on it with my answer? Seriously guys, you really fucked it up big time.

You can tell me what you want, but this is what I'll say about it. Especially when losers put irrelevant answers. Cockbites.

Secondly, Glee Season 2. It's been out a while, but I just got around to watching it. The music is occasionally good and the cast is still pretty charming in what they do, I'll give them that. But are you kidding me with the plots?

Season 1 was pretty solid. Aside from some of the weirder parts, they seemed real. Real teenagers with real problems. Now it's like they've been reduced to whiny little 12 year olds. I shit you not.

I don't mean it in the whole 'when you think about it, they really are' kinda way, I mean WHAT THE FUCK YOU PEOPLE, SHUT UP.

This whole "you said you'd never break up with me!" thing seriously pushes my buttons. WHAT. THE. HELL. especially the pressure they put on a fucking relationship. Geez, people.

I mean, I get the whole mood thing, but still. Any idea how pathetic it sounds that the most important person in your life is your boyfriend? Just say it out loud, you get what I mean. But I guess if you're cynical, you can watch it to have a good laugh. Suddenly, Fox seems very smart indeed.

Finally, chain mail. I don't get why, but people do it. I hate the ones on facebook where people are like "like this status if you're my friend". Is it really THAT important to have 26 likes? Does it win you a trip to Madagascar? Get you on Oprah? Make korean pop stars sit on your lap?

Worse still, people who take it seriously. If I'm your friend, I'll prove it by actually being there for you. Not by liking your status. If I love God, I have no need to yell it out on facebook. Seriously? get a life people. I may do geeky things, but those are in the name of having a good laugh. You guys are just sad.

It's just how I roll

26/3/11

So, I got my results. 3As, 5Bs and 2Cs. Not brilliant, but fuck you. God came through for me for this one. I was scared I'd fail half these papers. also, A+ for addmaths. In your face, bitches >:D

Also, I got Dead Space 2. Ripping limbs off of aliens with a staple gun? yes please.

I seriously need to get out some. As in, on a date out. Going out to buy coke and awkwardly bumping into the neighbor and her hot pants doesn't count unless we actually talk about meaningful things and/or get horizontal. I won't be picky.

I mean, being alone is one thing- if kept occupied, it isn't so bad. But it's this torture of having to watch mushy couples all day that makes me want to pull out a plasma cutter and start chopping limbs.

I feel tired. I can hate, but not as excessively. I'm losing the will to do a lot of things (not suicidal, mind you)

Gah, fuck it. I'm a little jealous. I want to be in one of those romantic situation where I like someone and they reciprocate, you know? I'm so sick of this one-sided chase. I mean, I go through a lot of madness every day. What would be nice would be just a person I know will always make things better.

Instead, I'm stuck with listening to people bitch about shit they get themselves into, shit they should be used to and on top of all that, I need to deal with everyone moving away from me. Life is just a bitch that way.

"I am Amirul, cynic of cynics. Look upon my words, ye dickweeds, and despair!"

It's just how I roll

22/3/11

Results are out tomorrow. all I can say is I hate the overreaction. particularly the phrase 'Good luck'. God dammit, people, they're not gonna ask us questions from the paper to give us back our results!

Don't mind me, I'm just feeling annoyed. I still can't paint for nuts and my color theory sucks. Hopefully, if I HAVE to fail a subject, it's just design OR my group project does mad skizzles and I boost myself enough to pass.

I feel dead.

It's just how I roll

21/3/11

I hate being sick. If I had someone worrying about me, I guess I would... ah fuck it, I'd hate it anyways. hate hate hate.

I also hate when my pokemon game keeps crashing on me. I need to train sandshrew, dammit!

Here's hoping a hate rant will get me feeling better.

I hate the naivety of things. The world's round, dammit. We're standing on the surface of something that burns 3x as hot as the sun, floating in an airless vacuum.

Couples piss me off. I mean, seriously. I may be one of them when I find someone to ride shotgun, but until then this is my word, so be it. "I'm so lonely without you" BULLSHIT. You know a guy for a year and suddenly he's your pacemaker?

I hate everything about them. Their in-your-faceness. The blowing off. The smart-ass-ness that comes with the title.

the polluting of my god-damned-facebook. The inconvenience. The simplicity in making either party depressed. I just hate it all. In fact, if I ever become that, then I'll make sure that everything I do is payback for the rest of you lot.

I hate being sick. Wanting to press on in life, when all you need is to lie down and sleep. Or worse, wanting to lie down and sleep, when you need to press on.

I despise wildlife. Not furry little animals, they're awesome. But annoying people that just won't shut up. especially those who butcher my favourite songs. I hate when they all pump up their annoying music simultaneously so I can't think. I hate it when I can't bring an M-16 to college.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of my results. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. It's keeping me up at night. It's that door in the house I'm just too scared to open.

Press on, I guess.

It's just how I roll

18/3/11

Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage

lyrics for thought right now

I've been doing more of my infamous thinking. More people should try it, really.

Over the months, my life has changed drastically. No maid= more work, College = no sleep, etc.

But then it hit me

I am a new person. After a new maid which is temporarily staying in my place came along, I realised the work is just kind of part of me already.

Melor is bummed about something I can't help with, cus technically I'm bummed about the same thing. dammit

It's just how I roll

17/3/11

I was face-to-face with the mighty Gilgamesh,

his maddened gaze was empty,

yearning for companionship, for acceptance,

He was bound to the earth, almost chained.

Like so many after him, he wildly swung his arms,

his gaze ever present as he bellowed,

the immediate trees shook, but no more after,

In his asylum of the great Plane, I was the only one to know he was there

'O ye of whom yourself have crowned king, you are a fool!' he yelled

'Thou cannot count the Zebra! Ascend the tower of Babble!

I slayeth Humbaba, for naught! Enkidu, gone, immortality; lost!

For every mountain climbeth another three ditches thou fall!'

I did not meet him by will; and he did not wish to be avoided,

Like all the wrathful with the burning flame he was consumed within himself,

but like those who had failed before he lacked the fuel to press forwards

the fire in his heart was doused quickly, and he himself collapsed.

After besting the mighty Gilgamesh; I considered his words,

this plane was empty; In the happy time I was alone,

In moments of great joy I wallowed in solitude,

and in the distance, someone cried

It's just how I roll

15/3/11

I was planning to write a rant. but meh, I dunno. My self esteem took a larger hit than expected, and just pulling myself together is proving to be a task.

Oh well, sometimes my workload keeps me sane. meh.

It's just how I roll

11/3/11

Today makes me think a lot about how things change. Everyone's got their messages on the tsunami and how it basically pwned japan, and don't berate me for being insensitive, because I really do feel sad for what happened.

But I think people are stupid.

I mean, a lot of the times, I think some people are just posting for the attention. "Who can come up with the most touching comment related to japan wins" kinda thing. which is really sad. You don't need to represent some huge body, because face it, it's not in your jurisdiction. If you were sincere about it, you'd just say that you're worrying about it. not some fancy biblical message, nothing. Unless it was for charity.

Sure, some people have that flair. that's just how they say things. but the whole "Our hearts are with you" thing is just a little too far. Has your ego grown so big it's a new person that also uses your social media accounts?

Maybe I'm getting a little carried away. But yeah, I may not be flying a helicopter to japan right now, and I may not be off offering sacrifices, but at least when I empathize, I don't do it so someone will retweet it or like it. Then again, thumbwhores have always been in my crosshairs.

Then again, all these people who put all their attention on japan have their spots too. It is a serious thing happening. I get it. but just because someone else is talking about something else doesn't exactly mean they are to be castrated, you know? The world will not just pause for one event, even if t was as bad as this was.

But then again, this was huge. I mean, the shock makes your rationality lapse. And things like this, they just make you think how quickly everything we know can just smash itself apart.

It's just how I roll

8/3/11

where is my place in the world?

Apparently, I'm only ever lovable when I shouldn't be and everything I'm on can disappear in a blink. I am to be kicked when I am down, to be pushed off my high horse whenever I am on it.

My bridges are to be shattered, my hopes and dreams incinerated. And then I find out my high horse is upside down.

I'm not mad, I'm just... down. The kind where I wanna mope around and be inactive. /sighs.

=EDIT=

I mean, it's not that i'm mad at you or anything. good on you, you told the truth. You didn't lead me on and later off a cliff. But more than 6 months of planning down the drain, just like that? This is bullshit!

I'm sick of being the spectator. I want my turn, and I want it now. I don't want to be second banana to anyone, I don't want to be the silent supportive one. For fuck's sake, why is everyone just repelled by me? I TRY to be nice, and instead while the world goes off having fun together I'm crammed in my room at night without anyone to even share a sweet moment with.

I despise it. I mean sure, occasionally being single has its moments, but I can't keep relying on every week meeting someone who's up for a little fun, because I haven't done it anyways.

While everyone retreats to their loved ones to call late at night or join for lunch, I appear to be the only person who's only company is the folk of hell to eviscerate. Where is my turn? Where is it?

I know I'm not THAT bad a person, I know worse who still get more action than me.

I'm just saying, a little reassurance every now and again, you know? Instead of getting trolled all day and screwed all night.

but then again, that's life, eh? I'm supposed to sit through coupley mushey crap so that when it's finally my turn, God pulls the plug on this desolate rock. Or worse, I just die one of those people who always chases love, but dies never coming near it. Pathetic.

It's just how I roll

6/3/10

Ladies of my life

Don't ask, I just felt it needed to be done. I mean, my bros are rather united in what they do. But every female in my life has their own reason for being there. And I rarely see a lot of them now, so I guess this is a side-effect of not having them around and listening to Time of Your Life by Green Day excessively.

Melor: If anything, Melor has been almost like a baby sitter for me. I'm really sorry how often she had to put up with my shit, or convince me I wasn't gonna fail or just pick up the pieces whenever I fall apart. I mean, she picked up the damn phone at 6.00am when Kerepek died. I dunno, I miss having her around. Seeing her and stuff. spazzing when SNSD releases new videos and whatnot. But she's off doing what she has to do, I guess :/

Yan: If anything, it blows that we've got even more in common now that she's gone. We could randomly bitch about people, or talk about scary games, and now we even have Dr Who. Out of all of it, I miss her unique view of life. that little cynical side of her that I can relate to so well. Plus, Booning it Up makes me miss her on a weekly basis. She kinda provided... perspective on my situation.

Ashley: Even though theoretically I CAN see her, it's just the difficulty of it. Describing what she means to me isn't easy, I'll give you that. I mean, she literally turns me to mush with simple actions. After living a life as cynical as mine, where everyone's just waiting to stab you in the back and you live in a crevice surrounded by your own doubts and fears, people like her remind me there are good things that would come to people like me. Better than being hit by a truck and being dead on the spot. College is tiring, yes. But around her, I don't even feel like I lost a wink of sleep. And not in the mean trolling way. She makes me want to be a better person (but let's face it folks, better =/= not cynical. That's just asking for it). We've been bouncing back and forth for almost forever, and I honestly think it'd work out.

I really need to figure out how to put the way that girl makes me feel into words. leaving me speechless= not easy.

It's just how I roll

Negativity

As I walked on through the dark recesses,

The rocky cliffside; where shadows lived in the afternoon sun,

a place where the lost in time forever roamed,

where no light could survive

By noon it was it was modest of its breadth,

a small crack on the ground of a vast plane

Almost invisible, but still there.

It was here the Vultures roosted,

their broken backs; bent forward and looking onward,

They sharpened their talons at passers-by; "What benefits do they posses?"

As they circled above them, waiting. watching.

In this valley could be found the mighty ox;

who's body in scars were covered like the seasoned hero;

As he stepped on the sharper rocks he would lash outwards with his mighty horns;

as if trying in vain to break out; as more rocks would land on him.

I have met the vultures,

even the ox who forever thrashes,

once silenced, they are barely noticeable,

Even those who belong waist-deep in ice; their threat means nothing to me.

It is the mind I truly fear; for it is deemed creator of such dark places,

It snakes like a vine; controls your eyes,

such that no matter how bright the sun,

all you will see in this plane is the beckoning shadow.

It's just how I roll