Spin me a story

Have you ever been told you were to meet Mickey Mouse; only to find out he was a pot-bellied man in a cotton suit?

Imagine my surprise.

I was invited to meet Death; the man who stalks the earth.

I always admired him, in a way.

He caused me nothing but sorrow; taught me nothing but pain,

and all without meeting him face to face.

So imagine when I found that; like Mickey Mouse, Death was only a facade for something completely different.

That he only summarized the collective endgame of several entities.

Worse; that I already knew them.

First, there was ambition.

Even as I sat at the table he would walk over to me and whisper that I could be sitting at the head of the table.

He explained that his promise lifts even the most grounded person up.

The higher they get; the hungrier they get,

And they are doomed to die of starvation,

miles above the ground.

I knew ambition well.

And through our friendship, it was expected he was a part of this grim circle.

The others; though strangers;

their participation was what felt like a thousand stabs to the back each.

For sitting alongside Ambition was Peace.

Ever deceptive, Peace was a beautiful thing.

He knew Man was naive; and would gain his audience through violence.

Those he visited were worst off, they were deceived into believing they were free.

They had no thirst; or worse; did not think they did,

they were doomed to their own satisfaction.

So in love were they with their ideals,

they ultimately dug their own graves.

The third seat was empty.

When the two introduced their missing brother, I felt all the weight in my heart crush me .

His stories were spread to all of man; who looked far and wide for them.

Some abandoned ambition, and some even abandoned peace; just for this entity.

So imagine how I felt:

I had come face to face with death and still was denied meeting Love.

It's just how I roll

Yes, I'm resentful. Yes, I can be insecure. But when you'd pick your new artsy boytoy over me in a heartbeat but have "to think about" all my invitations, WHO WOULDN'T BE? I guess it isn't your fault, I guess he's just that much better than me.

I hate never being good enough. As it is, i've wasted 1.5 hours not being able to do my portrait cus I'm too fucking angry to get on my ass and do it. So there. motherfucker. I've smashed my room and hurt myself in the progress, and you know what? NO ONE DARES ATTEMPT CONTACT. All these people who dare challenge me when I'm calm? WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

28/7/11

I had a rant written out, but it's being translated in terms of the stuff flying across my room.

It's just how I roll

27/7/11

It's a gift and a curse, being me. On one hand, you scheme a lot, meaning you are prepared for things to go your way. On the other, the smallest things can drive you up the wall.

I don't know why I'm so afraid. I'm wan-fucking-amirul. I should laugh in the face of anything because of my ability to get back up and kick ass/be a dick. But here I am, scared I might be replaced. This is annoying.

I guess if I were to meet the perfect girl, she'd have to put up with this. She'd have to understand that I AM a neurotic person, and letting anything sit in my head is a bad idea.

It's just how I roll

26/7/11

I hate this. This empty feeling.

It doesn't help that I'm a fucking masochist, listening to songs I know will make me feel worse.

I don't mean to be a whiny asshole who puts pressure on relationships like they mean something, but I gotta wonder.

People just turn around when they have that special someone. Suddenly, life's worth living and that inactive warhead you were carrying becomes light as a feather.

I gotta know, is it really all that?

I'd like to find out. It's kinda lonely in my little trapdoor.

It's just how I roll

25/7/11

I'm feeling happy. that's odd.

Quick update, life is still rather dead. People are disappointments and I got washed by the tsunami of nostalgia.

But I'll live. I'm built to.

It's just how I roll

21/7/11 (2)

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to walk forward, look at the burning forest;

only to turn around and feel the midnight breeze behind me.

I won't do it; I won't.

And for every new person it's like a new disappointment;

I can call them what I want: pawns, experiments;

But I always get attached

And from there the pain starts.

I see cracks everywhere;

I saw the Titanic sink before it sailed; I saw the people frown,

I am on a bridge; burning from both ends

and the only way is down.

It's just how I roll

21/7/11

I'm seriously lost. Who am I?

I could have sworn at some point someone said I'm a lot more relaxed this time around. And at the same time, i'm sure someone else has told me off for my nitpicking.

I've been called a planner and I've been called lazy.

Seriously, major identity crisis here.

It's just how I roll

20/7/11

holy shit, july's ending. Soon.

Dear hot neighbour chic across the hall from me,

I don't know you, you don't know me. Unless you've been stalking me, which I highly doubt. Because let's face it; not much to stalk. I really just sit here and type angry thoughts where no one will read them. But I digress.

I have a lot of issues. To the point I can be considered broken property.

And although I may not go around telling people I'm almost always depressed, it would mean a lot, really, it would, if you could maybe not be like the many others and give me a shot.

Fuck it, that's never gonna work.

Tag, I'm it.

It's just how I roll

18/7/11

Formal letter of complaint to the Universe:

You suck. Really, you do. I would like to list the reasons why:

Firstly, You never fail to come up with creative new ways to mess with my head. You promise me so much, but it never comes true, does it? No one bothers listening to me even if I had a fucking halo and had my wrists nailed to a fucking cross. Nope. At this rate. I should just carry a fucking baseball bat to hit every thing wrong you're about to throw at me.

Secondly, it's bad enough I lead this shit trail, but you make me go through it alone. Nope, I'm not allowed to have friends. Or companions. Or even mindless pawns. Even if I built them, they'd hate me. And you know, making me rub off as uncharismatic and consistently look like I was gonna kill a motherfucker wasn't enough, you had to go and give me this prison in my own head that destroys all friendships and generally any hope of me breaking the loop.

the girls. OH YES, the girls. Thank you, dear universe, for making me the one man magnetically repellant to all XXs. Yes. Not only do they not WANT to be around me, even if they tried getting within 5 feet range, they get blasted away by magnetic force. thanks. a lot. Is it so much to just make a guy feel a little wanted? At all? AT FUCKING ALL?!

I mean, 4 people in the span of 3 months. That has to be a fucking record or something. And don't give me any crap about "be myself" because I TRIED that. Hell, I think this is your way of making me off myself so there's no possible way you could allow me to even get afterlife happiness. Thanks.

Topping it all off, you are very punctual, proactive and even fucking VIGILANT in making sure I REMEMBER all these failures, burnt into the back of my skull and the west wing of my kidneys and that little nook on my gall bladder. Just for fun, eh?

Fuck you.

17/7/11

Today was good.

Got a taste of modding by gluing on some Gundam bits to my Tamiya 4WD from way back when and made a pretty sweet ride. It's kinda cool seeing all this stuff from long ago resurfacing for all things awesome :)

small cloud of doubt, but meh. Will address it another time.

It's just how I roll

A passing note:

Alex Louisa Fernando, born 27th September 1993.

Favourite games God of War and Kingdom Hearts

Screams loudly at horror movies and can't shoot a necromorph if it sat in front of her.

My buddy to nerd about gaming and action movies with; and if anything the closest thing to a Maxim sub while he's in Kelantan.

I miss you.

That is all.

13/7/11

I am pissed. I know it's not just because I'm out of tape. Or that I haven't had a fulfilling sleep in 3 days. Or that I'm sick. Or that I'm getting the shaft on everything I do.

It's the whole gangbang shitpiece of it.

It's the fact that I finally felt good about painting just to find out I've been going at it wrong. It's this whole fact that the female race is, if anything, REPULSED by me.

That's a first.

I mean, left; right; and centre people just don't want to be associated with me anymore. Thanks for nothing, assjackets.

"Be yourself" you say. Yeah, that always works.

"Hi, I'm a broken person with abandonment issues but covers it up by being an obsessive compulsive kpop freak geek dick all of the time who also writes angry rants"

4. COUNT EM. 4.

Would it kill anyone to love me for a change?

It's just how I roll

12/7/11

Well, i've been complaining about a lack of things to hate, so VOILA, MOTHERFUCKERS. thank you for this horrible present which you call modern tv shows.

I don't know why, but I hate them. Most, if not all of what's on tv is crap. And this isn't to say "I want my 90s cartoons back" I don't even need to GO that far. Ben 10 was good. TFA and Teen Titans, Good. JUSTICE LEAGUE: GOOD. And if you wanna be a bitch and tell me I only like shows with continuity, fine. FAIRLY ODD PARENTS AND SPONGEBOB WERE GOOD.

emphasis here would be the word WERE. I don't know how to describe it, but at some point, Nickelodeon and Disney must have sucked the same cock, because the shows nowadays all suck.

I'll try to let this out nicely. Disney is now into stupid anime shit with really crappy animation and a need to be more 'malaysian'. More on that later, the anime shit really pisses me off. But then again, I haven't seen any disney shows lately, so I guess it's time for the malaysian shit.

Now, I've always been biased about malaysian cartoons. They tend to suck, in all honesty. One day, someone creates Upin And Ipin. This full CGI series that shows... malaysian life? sure. whatever. And I guess that's all nice and stuff.

I guess I wouldn't hate it as much if it wasn't always hailed as the greatest thing to come out of malaysia. I mean, I hear it being called the pinnacle of Malaysian animation, and I have to tell you: that's a joke. Seriously. We can do SO MUCH BETTER. Did anyone know about the malaysians working on Transformers?

Okay, that's not fair.

...wait a minute.

YES IT IS. IT'S TOTALLY FAIR. I mean, BEAST WARS looks better than this, and it's almost 20 YEARS OLD. There, was an unfair statement. Beast wars was awesome.

Okay, U/I aside, I'm totally cool with that. that's done. Of course, they had to make another show with super powers and shit and racist stereotypes in the exact same style. But I can't attack that until I've been forced to sit through an episode of that. And after U/I, I'm pretty well fortified.

So now that I am done bashing Disney on the TV front, I shall move on to arch enemy number 2: Nickelodeon.

I hate it. Everything. about. it. Spongebob USED to be good. It used to have this dark little sense of humor that somehow still made it appropriate for children. Now, his voice seems to be higher and he's infinitely whinier than before. It's hard to describe. Back then, he was the every day weirdo you see. NOW, Nickelodeon seems to be implying he's gay. What a use for all those holes, eh?

But my attack will not end there. Much like a decepticon, I shall press onwards. That show Fanboy and Chum Chum is another annoying one. It's loud, stupid and very much obscene at times. I'm not being a whiny parent considering a) I have no kids and b) there is a fine line between stupid humor and just being stupid. No prizes for guessing which side this fucknugget is on. This show is so bad, I actually got migraines from my brother watching this brainfart that people spent MONEY making. Here's a tip, Nickelodeon: Stop letting your writers smoke cheap weed. They produce crappy ideas.

Okay, now this requires a little further stretch of the imagination. There is this show in between shows involving a kid and her mom cooking. This may surprise you, but guess what?

I hate it. REALLY, I DO.

Call me an anarchist, but I just despise malaysian made shows. Okay, more accurately, I hate malaysian made shows attempting to be western and failing epicly. From the girl's condescending attitude to her annoying bitch-ass voice, I really, really, REALLY want to pop a cap in something when I hear the show starting. But then again, I guess I'm just out of the required age range.

Ah, HIMYM, T70S and Doctor Who, never leave me.

It's just how I roll

3/7/11

Do you see me?

I doubt it

doubted it from the non-existant goodbye

Only the moon sees me on nights like this.

The frost rests nicely on my shoulders

For I look; I search; and there is no warmth

a lonely voice echoes against petrified trees;

the burden is mine to move on.

People are candles;

occasionally you see one flicker by;

you feel it's warmth; embrace it

and then gone. Snuffed out by the very cold it was to save you from.

I have my demons. I always will.

They talk of salvation, retribution and better days;

They talk and whisper; to no ends;

because nights like this; they are my only friends.

If you see me; stay away.

Unless I no longer need to learn to let go;

Unless I am allowed that warmth again;

Unless there is place for me.

There is no point; to weep or cry;

All it is; to say goodbye.

It's just how I roll

Transformers Rant

Y'know, I remember when I started out blogging, it was after watching transformers for the first time. my blog existed way back before that in this magical land called Xanga and I was an emo boy. I'd have kicked my own ass back then. Nostalgia :)

Now, I'm going to attempt my review at this. I wanted to do a video style, but I'm still nerdgasming from it. Hint of what's to come. Also, spoiler alert if you've accidentally stumbled across my blog.

It was good.

I'll admit, the soap opera dialogue was REALLY pissing me off and watching shockwave get mercilessly killed was a mixed basket but it was GOOD.

At first, I was prepared to hate the movie for it's inclusion of MORE annoying characters. The wreckers were, funnily enough, not that bad. MUCH better than Skids and Mudflap. And there was no attempt to make them human, at all. Unlike skids and mudflap, who I so gladly announce did not appear at all. I wanted shockwave ripping them to pieces, but hey, they're gone. That's what matters.

But you know what I liked about said annoying characters? they die. all of them. I'm not kidding you. I literally shit you not.

For once, the Decepticons aren't these poorly written serial villains. Soundwave (who actually DOES something, thank god) actually EXECUTES one of the motherfuckers WHILE HE'S BEGGING in front of the camera. Talk about dark man. and his head rolls in front of the camera too.

The plot itself was meh. It was a very basic plot "bad robots attack. Good robots save day" kinda thing. But the twist from Sentinel Prime was really good. And I'm not quite sure WHY they needed the humans, since the space bridge was so obviously fully functioning. I THINK it was to rebuild cybertron, but I'm not quite sure. Re-watch? :D

I think Shia La Beouf actually did a pretty good job here. I mean, I preferred him as a smartass, which he still retains slightly, but he's like this kid who saved the world twice, but has none of the perks. No parade or platypus statue. So it's understandable he's a little bitchy.

aand that was all I'll mention on the humans. Because the curse of transformers movies is a CRAP supporting cast. Always. The only supporting cast I ever liked was Sam's stoner buddy in the first movie, because quite frankly he did nothing whatsoever. Leo and virtually everyone in this movie is just obnoxious and obscene . But the soldiers are awesome. Okay, that's it.

On to the robots. I LOVED them. Seriously. Eziotron (my new name for megatron) was awesome. His face is still totaled from ROTF (yay continuity!) and he now carries a shotgun. Yes, he found spare parts to build himself a SHOTGUN but not a new face. Apparently, we're taught here that Sam's new girlfriend is so hot even Eziotron is lured in.

I dunno, but the decepticons just feel more... Evil this time round. In Transformers 1 they were scary, but not that dangerous. In 2 they were just annoying. 3 got them this really dark feel. They destroy the autobot ship while it's leaving, they have an assassin killing off all their used spies (not eziotron) and as mentioned above, they execute their prisoners. Mention worthy: Starscream screams like Cow of Cow And Chicken before dying, since they share a voice actor.

I'm a little down shockwave does virtually nothing, he's just this hobo living in Russia who prime REALLY hates.

The new autobots were so so. Poor ratchet is denied ANY character at all this time, and I quite like that. I dunno, but they somehow made Ironhide's death a little muted but still pretty sad.

But generally, you're here for 3 main robots: Sentinel, Optimus and Megatron. Even Bee isn't really that important here, which is good. TBH, didn't really like him.

The decepticons were dark, oh yes but Prime is just a badass. a dark, gruesome badass. Apparently, his trailer is this giant weapons cache for more weapons than the Doom Guy and Duke Nukem put together. I'm not kidding. In fact, I think he uses a pair of Devestators from Duke Nukem Forever for a while. In ROTF he was violent, but without really much reason. It's just assumed he's a badass. But here, you really feel frustration out of him. But his final fight with Megatron coulda been SO MUCH MORE.

I can't think of what else to write, so I'm gonna stop here. In short, it's still short of Transformers 1, but more to ROTF done RIGHT. I'm so glad they killed off Wheelie, as well as FINALLY telling me where Barricade's been without resorting to "AHAHAHAHA PRIME I AM BACK, YOUR ARCH NEMESIS BARRICADE!". It's not what I'd call a deep exploration of the human (or robot) condition, but if you're here for a good time, then it packs a little more than that.

Also, Digital Animation or Bust.

It's just how I roll