31/7/10

Baskin Robbins day, people!
IU was fun. As in, serious fun. Dancing like a psychopath and not caring who sees is awesome.
Among meeting other things.

I'm not sure why, but I keep putting myself in awkward situations. As in romantically awkward. Short crushes kinda thing. Hahahaah.

Am working on a new movie. Showing off Deluxe Ironhide (or FeHide, as I shall call him)
weee.

It's just how I roll

30/7/10

Wazzap, people?
The TRU in Ikano opened today, so I was there to check it out.
On one hand, I'm down. WHY HALO, WHY DID YOU BREAK MY HEART?

If you must know, it starts like this:
I am a Lego fanboy. Therefore, I don't buy MegaBlocks stuff. However, they have a partnership with Bungie to make Halo merchandise.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Also, I bought myself deluxe Ironhide. Pretty awesome, IMO.

I turn 17 in 32 days. AWESOME.




It's just how I roll

28/7/10

It's a disco party in my head right now.
All week, I've been making music videos in my head. I'd say they're pretty awesome.
Songs I've currently used:
-Love Fooled - The Cardigans (Mel's theme)
-Baby - Justin Beiber (Ashven/Manisha theme)
-Change - Hyuna (Hann)
and others I can't mention :P

This week's theme is -wait for it- Marvel References

Cus for some reason, I've taken interest in the marvel universe. So this week involves references of all kinds to the Marvel world, like how the petition is like the Superhero Registration Act and my class is now Civil War. (However, my marvel universe trivia sucks, so I will base it on characters I see in Marvel UA 2)

Anti-Petition:
-Me (Tony Stark)
-Chang (War Machine)
-Alia ( Mr Fantastic)
-Shivs (Iron Fist)

Pro-petition:
-Manisha (Cap. America)
-LFW (To be decided)
-Yan (Power Man)

27/7/10

the glitches in the RvB video player are REALLY annoying. Oh well, I'll have to find out what happens tomorrow.

It's funny how tiny things have big impacts on your day. A small text message, a small fb update, the like. It's awesome when your day is improved, not so when your day is ruined.

I wasn't in school today. While no one threw me a token funeral, the day off was fun. Tomorrow, back to work. My goal: 3 sciences. Again.

And addmaths, there's always addmaths.

25/7/10

What up, people?
Raid Cross was AWESOME, I have to say. Although the rocket launcher was pretty much useless, it was fun throwing water baloons at helpless juniors while they run for cover. Also, appearing in court as a trigger-happy general with an odd accent was fun.

IU day was awkward. No idea why I lost my ability to make conversation with random people. Oh well, second time's the charm.

KO'd early yesterday. KO'd again today. No idea why. Hahahaha

23/7/10

tomorrow is making me nervous. Hahaha. Raid Cross, where I am a Detahlong General, and have to fire at civilians. Cus Shiva is awesome at picking out roles meant for me.
Also, the IU day tomorrow is scaring me. What if I'm too late? What if Celine pulls out at the last minute? I'll be stuck in a foreign school with the only people I know being people who wouldn't rate me as their favourite person, if ya know what I mean.

Waka Waka gets me pumped, for some reason.

Also, I invented a language. I-am-AWESOME.

Keshfousen? Pei.

"Do we kill them?" "Yes"

Losing the battle for power

22/7/10

My reign of awesomeness continues. Aside from a few issues, I think this whole 'happy' thing will work.
Interesting thought: Others believing in something makes you believe it, which makes it more convincing to them, making it almost-real.

Signs of my Awesomeness' return:
-I returned a Farah Burn
-I came up with a new phrase to use "Magical fuck-you bullet"
-I payed attention in Bio
-I solved a crucial problem with my Chemistry
-I'm starting to prepare for SPM (better late than never)
-I'm starting to appear a little more confident around

21/7/10

I'm awesome.
That's right, folks, I said it. I-am-awesome.

Let's list down the reasons why:
-I come up with crap in a second. I've been able to make movie after movie after movie.
-I have a tv station in my head. 'Nuff said.
-I can't shut up. I have a consistent flow of ideas.
- I can throw my 100% into something to make it awesome, and my 110% to make it awesom-er
- When I DO study, it works
- I can be asked to do stuff and I get it done.

Yes, my haters, I am in love with myself. And that's okay.
BITE ME

Part 3: self-motivator of my own woes

In what is hopefully the finale of my saga of depression, maybe I'm just bored. Everything's fallen back into a cycle and I'm back in a slump.

Meeting you was the biggest play changer so far. and that's not going too well.

But I think the only way I'm going to ever get my self-esteem back is if I remind myself how awesome I am. And I AM awesome. I just need to remind myself why.
And to all my haters out there:

"It's not being arrogant if you're better than them"- Melor

or something like that. I probably won't change. I WILL have to fix some of my issues, but a humble-hippie-Amirul is impossible. For as long as there are stupid people in the world, there is an Amirul telling them they will fail at life.

Cus that's how I roll.

Part 2 20/7

On a happier note, I love you guys.
My bro who keeps slapping me to wake up, my awesome best friends. It sounds gedik giler, but you guys put up with alot of crap from me alone. And you guys are going through much worse things than a little girl drama.

Especially the dudes who can listen to me ramble. I don't know why, but I really have issues with shutting up. I guess some comments can't be kept to myself. THEY SHOULD BE SHARED.

Let's face it: If my life had no drama, it'd be boring. I'm just glad I have people to share it with, I guess.

Losing the battle for power

20/7/10

what is hate?
where does it come from?
if anything, where is the logic in it?

The truth is, there is no logic in emotion. Hate is fuelled by broken dreams, green eyes and knives covered in spinal fluid.

I got a good sounding off for how I behave at times. It was nice to get a little honesty. While I will try to change, I still wonder at why survival depends on me conforming to what others want me to be.

My self-esteem is an awesome football player. It constantly takes one for the team. I'm in a dimensional grey area. I don't belong anywhere, now that I think of it.

Everything I do, it has it's reasons. A sharp tongue is my version of being capable of ripping through shirts by flexing my muscles. An arrogant view of the world is how I keep people from picking at this empty shell no one needs to see.

So there's alot of things I won't change. I guess I'm just not into the idea of being nice for people who wouldn't do the same for me. No one bothers saying "Let's see it from his point of view,"

Of course not, retard.

I'd really like for you to see who I am. I would. But I don't want to push you away. What do I do?

In summary, with all this going on inside of me, I guess my excuse for hating is that it's just how I lash out. So yeah, that's about it.

Losing the battle for power

19/7/10

Why do we make wishes?

Why do we hope that, against all odds, for no price, something will happen?
Why do we look up to the sky and hope for something?

For some, I think the magic is simply in hoping. That small belief that it may happen simply because you asked nicely will make it happen.
Escapism is a more common thing than you think, dear reader.

For others, it's a sense of control. When you think about it, it all originates from the fact you're asking for something for free.

The world really is a puzzle to me at times.
Losing the battle for power

Part 2

I'm screwing up left, right and centre. Why? cus that's how I roll.

The events of today have lead me to asking myself alot lately: Who am I?

Am I defined by the people around me?
Or am I defined by my actions?

I'm no intellectual, that's for sure.
Unfortunately, the mindlessly happy isn't me either.

So what am I?

I want to know. Badly.


Losing the battle for power

16/7/10

I think we're in love.

Don't mind that sudden random outburst.
She suddenly started questioning my existence today. Asking why I hang around her, what I see in her.
It's been 4 years, we know nothing about each other.

Someone else asked me the same question today.
It gets me thinking as to what happened.

Could they have fought for any reason?
What could instill so much insecurity in the both of them?

Or is it me?

Femininity confuses me


Losing the battle for power

13/7/10

How many possible ways can you wrongly push a button?
As some people learn, alot, actually.

It can be from the simplest of things, too. From quitting because someone else said so, to a simple mistake.

Thinking about it, having your buttons pushed once isn't so bad. When each one sets you up to get knocked down further, that's bad.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, I want to rip off a head. It seems like everything I do never gets recognition. No one says "Thanks man, you're awesome".

Don't give me that smirk. You're not better than me, if only the rest of the world saw that. I actually put in effort for what I want.

Guess what, people? I'm not blaming myself for once.

Everyone else is stupid. I'm working my ass off, and for what?
To be told I'm lazy, arrogant and worthless.
To be side-stepped, pushed in front of vehicles and not worthy of anything.

Thankfully, I have people who care about me. You know what's sad?
All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to hear it from you, with feeling.
And that's too hard, because I'm inferior due to my ACTUAL hard work and will to not die. Because I don't sound like Justin Bieber on crack. Because I won't bring out as much publicity.

You know what else? love is an emotion. Just like hate. All it does is gauge how much emotion there is. So with all this resentment, you have no grounds saying anything about me abandoning you. Because with all that, I'm still moronic enough to follow you.

Because if there's anyone who should see the truth first, it's you.

I'm resentful. I'm bitter. I'm not at all 'mr. right' material to most people. But who's put up with you even longer than him? me. For what? Even I'm not sure.


Losing the battle for power

Part 3

on another note, I'm annoyed.
You take all the credit now, don't you?

I go through all that suffering, all that worrying, and for what?
"Oh, he's soo perfect"

My ass.

When is it my turn? Tell me. When does someone say "Hey, Amirul's pretty awesome. In fact, I think I kinda like him" ?

You know what? This is why I'm so angry with the world. Because no matter how hard you try, how much you believe in that little speck of hope that effort pays off, it doesn't. The winners were born winners, the losers were failed abortions.

How else would you explain CONSTANT side-stepping? I can understand the ocassional one, but this is just a little pushing it, no?

I'm always forced to be the bigger man. The one who gives in. Why? Because I'm not born for glory. I'm just everyone's stepping stone.

Soy Un Perdedor.

Losing the battle for power

Part 2

The cup is over, ending another chapter of my final year. Let's try and organise the year into chapters, shall we?

Chapt I: Welcome to The End
Chapt II: Defying Gravity
Chapt III: Festivities
Chapt IV: Diagnosis?
Chapt V: Vacation
Chapt VI: Football
Chapt VII: ?


Losing the battle for power

11/7/10

Quick bout of emoness before I get into football fever.

We're really far apart from each other. There's so much about you I don't know, but I want to know. Honestly, you've been my alibi for a while, but I think we could make it if we tried.

But all I really need is for you to see the same way. And getting people to do that is not a skill of mine. Not when it comes to feelings, anyway.

Then again, it would be cruel. You'd only be second place, and I don't want people to feel how I do. Unless they deserve it.

I don't know anymore. I've watched you grow up, and we've been playing ping-pong for so long. Or I'm not thinking straight. The latter, probably. But we're also not very alike, upon further insight.

Let's weigh it out:

Pros:
-We both have that little thirst for stardom
-We love movies.
-I get along with your friends
-People see it coming, we won't face much resistance. I said MUCH, didn't I?
- We can entertain each other, I hope.

Cons
-We have our differences- I prefer to tint everything with a little salt and you'd much rather flaunt your girl-next-door charm that sometimes leaves me so helpless
-I'm not sure about you, but I have a thing for physical affection.
-You've never met my friends
-I wonder if I've ever seen the real you
-I have drama. By the boatloads.
-me. I have my little obsessions I'm not sure you've fully comprehended them.
- I have more issues than a century-old-fortnightly.

You know what? I can't think straight. Part 2 coming soon (hopefully)
Losing the battle for power

7/7/10

Happy Bungie day, people.

I'm depressed. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's that feeling of mortality when something you dreaded gets closer and closer.

I'm not gonna waste my time whining about turning your head this way, because I figured you never will anyway. It's stupid I'll never get over it, but at least I can save myself and live a lie long enough.

Maybe I am needy. Can you blame me for wanting support?

Either ways, since I'm not even a friend, I'll just fade back to where I came from.

Losing the battle for power

5/7/10

I've always wondered: are we moving away? or has there always been distance, just that we never see it. I really wanna know.

I think I really need professional help. I'm having problems focusing on anything. I spend a lot of my time spacing out, even in front of the computer.
I'm getting more paranoid.

Also, the concept of love seems more and more annoying to me by the day. Call it fermentation, but if I hear one more gedik girl complaining her boyfriend didn't tag her in his status on myspace, I'm going to shoot someone. Per word.

In fact, i'm finding alot of things annoying. At a time where I need to be focused, i'm getting more exhausted.

You're happy with him now, I guess that's my cue to leave. But my world is incomplete without you. Dilemma. Fun.

Need to think of how to get around this. Adults won't take me seriously, I can tell.
Losing the battle for power

3/7/10

It's very rare that I find a song that just lets me wallow in my emotion. All I need is a chorus and I feel a little better. I'll admit it, I only first heard it on Glee. but hell, it's a nice one. Not even elaborate.

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me?

I think I should be a little positive. As crappy as it was, I'm proud of the Iron Man vid. Effects synthesizing, Getting Chang to fit into an Iron man suit, epicness.

Storyboarding for the 5M project. I don't know, I just REALLY want to do this. This would be my largest accomplishment before SPM.

In a way, my romantic situation's not too bad. at least I talk to her. Screw it, it sucks. I'm a loser who can't let go of a 3-month thing.

Oh, come now, readers, did you really think I'd stay sober that long?

read something just now. How some people still have fun regardless that they acknowledge their life sucks. Maybe I'll try that now.
I've noticed there are some things I refuse to give up on. likewise, there are things I'd give up on in a flash. Unfortunately, my studies are in the wrong group.

I don't know. I've been in a rut lately. Even my creativity is dying. These exams really put me into a funk. Not been able to do homework (even less than usual), been getting emo more easily, been needing more escapism.


Losing the battle for power

1/7/10

It's nice to be wanted. I have friends who actually need me and occasionally want me around. We have a nice system. It's all good.

My dear me of two years back, hold on. Just keep holding on.

Storyboarding ideas for the astro thing is not easy. Dammit, how I wish I could be commited.

I'm saying goodbye to another large chunk of my life. That's happening alot lately. Hopefully, this is a good thing. It's just sad letting go, you know?

ah, it's time to stop worrying about the shadows and start focusing on the light. Or something to that effect.


Losing the battle for power