28/11/10

Ever had one of those days you wish you could just crawl back to bed and erase it like it never happened?

I'm having one of those. I lost my pencil, which was just the kick to my confidence I needed before I embark on the one week of SPM I thought I could do well at. To make things worse, my mom suddenly re-insists we go on vacation (nevermind I had made plans with friends already) and I seem to be screwing up left, right and centre.

Sometimes I just wish I could go around saying that what would make things better is a hug. It's not entirely true, what I need is to just get my confidence back to normal to be able to live through the next two weeks.

It's just how I roll

25/11/10

And, week 1 comes to an epic close with sejarah going down after 5 good years of being a pain in my ass.

How do you do that? I was all ready to start re-assessing, and you remind me how awesome you are.

Even though it's not a certainty that what I find will be useful,

I guess I just have to give it a whack.

Who knows, I guess?

It's just how I roll

21/11/10

I hate new couples. They're always so annoying with their "I can't live without you" crap. Seriously, it's been a week. shut up.

Now that I'm back to my normal self (and by normal I mean cynical, resentful and twisted),

let's list out a list of things I hate (not necessarily in order):

-New couples

-Mushy couples

-Being alone

-Being REMINDED that I'm alone

-Dead things

-Some living things

-being a disappointment

-being disappointed

-gedik people. They should REALLY be shot.

-Being treated like an inferior

-various people

-failure

-grammar fails

-stupid fb updates. Seriously, if you don't care what he's doing now, then don't waste my news feed with it.

-uncreative fb updates. Seriously? try coming up with your own wit for a change. It feels much more satisfying. Or at least hide the fact that you liked a page with the same name 5 minutes ago.

- Hypocrites

-Racists

-Not having control.

No, this wasn't for your benefit. It was for mine. Now that all that hate is out, I can get to work.

It's just how I roll

My Code, 1

In Between my hate and rants, I guess this is a pretty good time to store my notes on the world. After all, I'd like to think I've seen the world enough to at least pluck out a few of the many chains.

This is awkward. not knowing how to start it. It's always been mentioned in passing.

So let's start with you. the person reading this. Your reading this either means I'm dead and you're looking for possible reasons, or you're a stalker who's following my blog, or I've become famous and this has become a guide for every geek wanting to step-up the social ladder.

See what I did there? Assume every possibility. When faced with a decision, it's always important to know every, if not the majority, of outcomes you could be faced with. If you're too emotional to see them right away, then postpone decision-making until you've got at least 3 possible outcomes.

God, that felt good to impart something. even if it was to a computer screen.

hopefully my computer learns it.

For now, that's all I can impart. writer's block.

It's just how I roll

15/11/10

I dont know why.

I should be feeling awesome. My evil scheme is in motion.

And I got hugged :)

I'm sorry, under all this bitterness, sarcasm and attempts at machoness, lies a little boy who likes being hugged.

But realising that this won't change the fact i'm still miserably alone, that gets me down. Don't ask why, it just does.

I can safely say i'm over you, but it's just that I'm kinda bummed that even you've got someone perfect for you.

And where do I go?

It's just how I roll

14/11/10

It's funny how two things can coincide completely.

Today is someone special's bday, and though I hope you NEVER find my quiet little corner of cyberspace, I hope you know how much you mean to me and how I hope you have many happy returns today :)

One year ago, someone I knew passed away. It's not the passing that still bums me out 365 days, 7 hours and 43 minutes after I found out. It was just that I saw this person almost every day, and rarely talked to this person. In fact, I can only remember talking to her once.

And to be honest, I've felt a little guilty ever since.

But I guess that's what life is. A series of flashing reminders.

Heh. In tune with my no-emo-day, I won't continue that rant.

I've roughly planned out how things are going to go. Must finish that.

It's just how I roll

12/11/10

Typical. Just typical.

The world gets it's happy ending, except me. Of course.

It's only fair, I guess. not like I deserve one, anyways.

So as brilliantly as I pretend to fit in with the world, when it's a couple's only song playing, guess who's out there all alone?

I'll give you a hint.

It's me.

YES, it's childish to be upset just cause of this. But c'mon. My life has been one screw up after another. Just having a person I know deep down who could always pick up the pieces and put me back together, I'd say I deserve at least that much.

But of course, no. Whatever psycho plan God has laid out for me next, whatever fucking misadventure is next, it requires I be miserable and lonely. cus that's how He rolls.

I mean, at least give me someone to say "at least i'm not THAT person". but NOPE. It's all me this time.

Everyone will be looking at ME, going "Oh sayang, I love you so much, I was almost THAT, can you believe that?"

"No, I love you too much to believe that. NO ONE deserves to be THAT. Except for THAT. maybe THAT deserves worse"

cue snare drum. laughter.

I wish I'd at least be good at something. So far, I'm a failure at EVERY. FUCKING. THING. I. DO.

Everyone's got their fairy tale. A knight in shining armor to come save their asses from the ugly unloved dragon. Who am I? I'm the dragon's crap. I dont even get a mention.

Let's face it. I'm never anyone's number 1. the security of being someone's only one eludes me. Why? I deserve it, apparently. cus I'm not a nice person. I mind my own business (OHEMGEE) I make my own snarky comments and keep them to myself (THENERVE) and enjoy geeky things like aliens and robots (ABOMINATION).

Everyone's so happy in love. I hate it. I want it to be MY TURN.

NOT as a sidekick. MY. FUCKING. TURN.

I'm tired of being the lonely person on fb on a friday night watching everyone exchange their love notes. I'm tired of having no one to message when I'm being held at knifepoint during family events. I'm tired of never being able to get physical romance.

And I am most definitely, without a doubt, sick and tired of doing SO MUCH work, and getting ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR IT.

Or even worse, being called a fucking DISAPPOINTMENT for it.

just how I roll

11/11/10

Where to start?

I'm slowly becoming outdated. inferior. While i'm sure there are still people who appreciate me in their lives, one by one everyone learns there is a much larger world when Amirul is removed from it.

This is a sign I must adapt. evolve as necessary.

move on.

two days of social solitude has helped me out. tomorrow I re-join society and hopefully get some studying done.

My evil schemes are still in motion. no stopping them now.

It's just how I roll

Rant Time

Shut up, world.

Just shut. up.

Do you know how much of my afternoon entertainment you've given me? how entertaining it is, watching you contradict yourself, failing over and over?

Call me a cynic. I'm sick of love. I'm sick of expecting things to work out, and they never do.

So maybe i'm not sick of love. Maybe i'm just yearning it. Like a little growth inside me, devouring my insides.

Who do I call to make it all better? who do I call when I've accomplished something grand in my life?

I'm sick of reading how great your love lives are. How perfectly everyone fits together. How smug they are. When is it my turn?

I want one of those romances where the person is not exactly like me, but like me enough to understand me. (That's right, Alia, I indirectly said it). Someone who'll call me up on a saturday night and say "I read your production log today. How did the movie making go?"

Someone who would love me despite the intense amount of crazy in my life.

But I'm coming to terms with the fact that someone doesn't exist.

Anyone's welcome to prove me wrong, but I think I'll either have to drop the bar or get out of the game.

It's just how I roll

10/11/10

I'm not sure what I'm good at anymore. It seems to me like I epic fail at everything. Studies? as if. Haven't done remotely well for ANYTHING this year. Starcraft? my ass. I keep getting my ass kicked. I dont play so well when I'm easily distracted by thoughts of my failure.

Art? HA-FUCKING-HA. Never.

...Romance? Have you been paying attention at ALL? I fail at that too.

I'm just a pathetic waste of biological material and genetic coding. I'll never amount to anything at this rate.

It's just how I roll

9/11/10

For the record, today had to be the biggest meltdown ever. For a fact, parents are losing their trust in my patience, I have to be 'reminded' not to go pounding things in the house.

I just hate feeling so pathetic. That I can't do anything right. That something big is coming up and the only thing on the other end of it is more misery. It makes things feel... meaningless.

Fell asleep in a shoe cabinet. Hoped I'd die, didn't.

It basically started when I was printing stuff to reference when I sketch. a sheet of paper got stuck inside the printer and the paper tore while printing.

Figuring now wasn't the time to give up, I tried with another sheet of paper.

Didnt work either.

Now, anyone following this depressing series of events would know I've not been the most stable of people . Of course I snapped. I practically melted down. I broke my trashcan, bent the hooks that I hang my curtains on, made a mess of my room and generally screwed things up.

Ever since the reality of this accursed month set in I've been living in a house of cards. My patience is sorted out into 52 little rectangles co-relying on one another for support. But suddenly one small thing slides out of place and my house of cards is just looking like a mess.

It's just how I roll

8/11/10

This post is a vent. Much angst will come out of it. You have been warned.

I'm tired of being a failure. A disappointment to everyone. I TRY and TRY, but nothing ever comes out of it.

Also, to the fucker who just lit a firecracker outside, you're dead now. I will personally slice your head in half.

I hate how one failure affects everything, including my ability to perform in future. It's stupid.

I don't know why. I just feel pressed. Very VERY stressed.

I learn the hard way my body is a perfectionist by design. With very bad coping mechanisms. Rather than be inspired by failure to do better, failure seems to just mean 'give up and die'. This is not good.

I just realised my track record is not very good either. I'm a giant waste of potential. Bra-fucking-vo.

I know you mean the best, but everytime one of my adoring friends tells me I can do better, it translates to 'I'm disappointed in you, fucktard'.

-Depressed-

It just seems to me, that I had that ONE high point in the year where I could study. Then it stopped. I could do ANYTHING, and now it's gone. Fuck.

It's just how I roll

7/11/10

Often, a lot of lives are based around an event. Something that defines a person. Sometimes, a person is the way they are because of the loss of a loved one. Every aspect of a personality has its roots. One is never that way by default.

A few years back, I recall sitting in the dining room with my sister. I was upset about something. I don't recall what, but it was trivial. I specifically remember her telling me:

"Do you remember *name removed*? the reason everyone hates her is because she's always going on about how miserable she is. You should never let people know how bad you feel on the inside"

Years later, I'm still taking that advice. Never once have I openly broadcasted my dislike for myself. It's always been buried under cynicism, a general lack of interest in things and violent video games. I'd say it's one of those key things that makes me... me.

Sad to say, though, that the person who made me this way is the exact opposite. Every day, I see her defying that one rule she gave me to live by. Thanks.

At least I know that my rules are my own now.

In lighter news, it's almost your birthday Hannah Azlan May you have many happy returns on your big day :D

It's just how I roll

4/11/10

What is the meaning of our lives?

Why do we let all the precious time go by?

This used to be a frequently asked question by me. I rarely saw the point in a lot of things, considering the fact that everyone was on a timer.

Now that I look back at it, I guess its the people that make it worthwhile. You live to see them smile. You long to see them happy, you want to make a world just for them. Its almost that the pains of the world disappear when they're around.

The people may change. The ones you hold dearest to you today may not be the same ones you held close to you last week, or the ones who will cry at your funeral. But I guess for most people, there are people that matter in the world.

These growing pains are just that. But I guess it's something we all live with. Change.

Funny concept.

Reshuffling the cards, hoping for a better hand.

While some people put on a poker face and hope they can still win the pool with that bad hand, there are others who strive for the Royal Flush.

Ah, what the hell. I've got give or take 2 months left with my hand. after that, it's back to the dealer again.

After all, who else is better at adapting than me?

I admit I'll miss alot of the goings on from the past 5 years. Under all that cynical wit, I guess I've gotten attached to a few things.

I'm at peace for now. My schemes are still laid out, still waiting for their individual shots.

It's just how I roll

3/11/10

As days draw on, it becomes more apparent the gravity of things.

Sometimes I wonder why my mom cant hear me. Hmm... an experiment:

NO. I DONT WANT TO FUCKING GO ANYWHERE. I DONT WANT TO SIT AROUND, MILES FROM HOME, WATCHING YOU STRESS OUT ABOUT UNECESSARY THINGS. I DON'T WANT TO NOT EVEN GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY FRIEND BEFORE SHE LEAVES, I DON'T WANT TO BE OFF ON SOME 'CULTURAL KNOWLEDGE' CRAP. I'D RATHER STAY HERE, AND LET'S FACE IT, SO WOULD EVERYONE ELSE.

So there.

It just frustrates me that when Yan goes, chances are, I'll be fucking stuck in fucking KUCHING. WHY. I'd want to at least see her off at the airport. I know I've not been the best person at handling reality (how many things have I broken because of reality? I lose count) but still, I don't want to go on thinking that I'm the only person not there.

Yes, family first, but still. This isn't primary school. I won't be able to call up her parents and ask when she's ever coming back. A friend leaving the country is something I wouldn't want to just read about on facebook. Especially if she's someone I've had the honor of seeing almost everyday.

Maybe this is misguided ventilation. I want to yell at something. I'm all out of fruits to chop up. I'm all out of zombies to shoot. And to top it all off, I think I have to be up early in the morning.

I don't know, the odds of you coming back and 'visiting Amirul' being on your top list of priorities is too small. It's too far in the future. It's something so out of my reach, even a megalomaniac of my stature can't place money on it.

Not knowing. It's not a pleasure to me.

You leaving. I guess I'll have to accept it and move on.

Not gonna be easy, but yeah.

I don't know. You mean alot to me. I know I rarely show it, and that I always make insensitive gestures. Or show rarely any concern towards anything.

and although i've made light of a lot of things, I've never liked being alone. But don't let it bum you out, kay? Enjoy yourself out there. Don't worry about any of us, we'll hold down the fort.

It's just how I roll

2 (2)

My true believers would have known, no way that was it.

Sorry for the bullshit, been having lots of issues.

I know I've said it lots of times, but it's just a recurring problem in my life. I hate never being wanted. That there's no one out there going "Why hasn't Am called yet?" or worrying about me half as much as I do them.

I'm not a big fan of this whole 'get rejected by everyone' thing. It's not fun.

I mean, if I had anything to compensate, like good grades or mad skills, that'd be okay I guess.

But it seems since this month started i've been failing at everything.

It's like the Solenoid rule. The harder I work, the further away I end up pushing myself. You don't need me, nor do I think you want me anymore.

For God's sake, I can't even be a loser and be good at starcraft.

I loathe myself

It's just how I roll

2/11/10

So, today draws Achievement Week to an end.

What was achievement week? it was this random event Chang and I had. There was a set of achievements for us to accomplish (unfortunately, Dush and Maxim didnt finish theirs)

So, the first one:

In the mornings, it's always a waste of time sitting and waiting for the teacher to come. So, Chang always has this habit of sneaking off to go chill upstairs first. The only problem is, i'm a little paranoid at it. So, the point of this achievement was to successfully sneak upstairs 3 times without me being left behind. this was just accomplised this morning, when we made a mad dash for it.

My achievement:

SNSD reference. In conjunction with the [awesome] new mv, I had to hoot in front of 3 teachers. Like the fanboy I am.

Easy enough, got it done.

The purpose of this activity? no idea.

It's just how I roll

1/11/10: Goal Update.

OMG. SPM coming up. DIEEE.

Anyways, I've learnt that Hoot is many a cure for a bad day. Seriously.

I don't know, ever since I was hit by the reality that SPM is 22 days away, I started getting annoyed more easily. And depressed.

Sometimes, I just wanna pull you aside and demand we talk about it. I liked how close we were. I like how close we COULD be. But it's like you're making the effort to keep me away.

Goal status:

1) I will inspire at least one person [√]
2) I will fall in love
3) I will successfully get through my god-damned-exams
4) I will learn to fucking drive
5) At least one person will say 'it's not the same without Amirul' and mean it
6) I will make a difference [√]
7) I Will Accomplish all goals by the end of the year

2 down, 5 to go.

It's just how I roll