30/5/11

Well, this sucks.

So it's pretty clear you kinda want me on the ejector seat. Perfectly understandable, I guess. I mean, I'm a train wreck. I'm so afraid of attachment that I build barriers between me and everyone else. My imagination runs so wild that I go into phases of paranoia. In fact, my very conclusion is based only on the belief that short answers always mean something is amiss.

I think this is one of those times anger is the only thing that will let me go for a while.

But do tell, WHY.

I mean, I try. Honestly, I do. I REALLY wanted this to work between us. I tried harder to keep you in my life than anyone else. Every single one of my actions was thought out again and again just in case this would happen. In other news, I guess my planning isn't as great as it could be.

I mean, throw me a bone here. I know people who just fake a foreign accent and just about everyone is in love with them. I, on the other hand, move fucking CONTINENTS and even have gone so far as to go against my own code and I get a "let's just be friends, okay?". and this isn't the only time. It seems every time I decide I should stop being so cynical and try to go after some better things in life, I get my hopes smashed and my spine bootkicked down a spiral staircase followed by a loud NO SOUP 4 U. WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

I'm not even asking for much. I don't go talking about looking for 'my soulmate' or my 'one true love' because frankly, fucking SANTA CLAUS has a higher drop rate. I mean, it's like the world is just ganged up against me trading hyper combos to hit me with. All I wanted was to have someone believe that no matter how cold I am to most people, there was still a bit of a good person in me. Or have some reason to stick around, I dunno. But even that level of understanding is apparently too much for me, apparently I deserve a lot less.

I'm not even asking for gushy fb messages. Fuck, I don't care if my status isn't even changed. I've seen those couples. they suck. out loud. They're weak.

It doesn't matter if we only see each other every other weekend, or once a month, but you know? just a pulse.

Clearly, I ask for too much. My demands are unrealistic. Fuck you, world. Fuck that it's always the stupid shallow couples who prosper, fuck that I'm always forced to be surrounded by them, fuck that I magnetically repel with catapult force any and every female, fuck that I have yet to find my redeeming qualities and finally, fuck that the world is so full of disappointments. That is all. Bitches.

It's just how I roll

26/5/11

I'm surrounded by drama queens. fucking drama queens.

And I don't mean the stupid ones that get the snar-kannon on a regular basis, I mean the ones I have to see in person at home.

YES, I overslept. Unlike YOU, I can rush a shower.

Okay, this can only make sense if I condense it: My sis expects me to know every minor detail about her schedule, and gets mad if I show signs of not caring. Worse off, just because she's having issues with her boyfriend (AGAIN) and btw, it doesn't count as eaves dropping cus she talks FREAKING LOUD in THE FUCKING LIVING ROOM and thinks that blasting the piano will cover it (when, in fact it makes her talk even louder cus SHE can't hear anything)

so an exchange of words is had and I don't even load a shell into the Snar-kannon and she runs off to cry because I point out the obvious:

I DON'T KNOW YOUR FUCKING SCHEDULE.

Okay, look at it this way: every week since march, she's finished classes at 12.30 on fridays. every week. All I did, was say that I'll be finishing later and thusly will just bus hop back home. You know, consideration, right?

wrong. instead, I get told off for not knowing she has afternoon lectures tomorrow and then told off again for having a 'bad tone'. Then she runs off to fucking cry in her room because I told her she started it (which she did).

Why? All because she has "anxiety" and pelts her boyfriend in questions about every meal he's had between the last time she drove off to his place and now. Geez woman, clingy much?

Oh, and the big alibi for being a queen bitch? "I'm tired". No shit, sherlock. I don't think anyone in this household isn't tired.

And to prove my point, my equally tired dad tells me it's MY fault because my brother storms off too.

seriously. I'm the younger brother. Why is it she storms off all the time, gets to throw her hissy fits and I'm in trouble?

SUCK IT UP. she's been at college longer than I have. If you'd stop being so dependent on your boyfriend all the time, I'm sure you wouldn't be so tired.

this isn't the only time. Every day, it's emo facebook and twitter updates. No road trip is complete without stopping by the boyfriend's house first.

I go through shit too. I have moments where I feel like the sky is melting and the ground is made of fucking barbed wire and some motherfucker stole my shoes. This blog aside, I never show it. I don't mope on the kitchen table, I don't go and bawl my eyes out because someone tells me what's what. By your logic, if your divinely inferior brother can do that, then you can STFU and do the exact same thing, only infinitely better. no?

She also tells me off for oversleeping. Because, you know, I purposely make her late for class. it gives me intense glee when I have her wanting to knock down my door.

NEWS FLASH: everything still takes time. I cant magically be dressed just because you command it.

Seriously. urgh.

It's just how I roll

23/5/11

Calligraphy vs Amirul: 1-0. taking a break before starting again or I'll end up smashing stuff.

Having shaky hands + being left handed puts me at a disadvantage here. hopefully I'll be the underdog champion.

Also, got God of War 3 today. at RM100 less than the original price when it debuted. What's that?

Yeah, I rock. I know.

I seriously despise calligraphy. and painting. Oh joy.

It's just how I roll

20/5/11

I am pissed off.

No idea why, I just am. I need to be mad at something, scream at it and belittle it.

I mean, sure, it's being fueled by the gushy couple messages on facebook. that's a given. But what started it?

I mean, I beat dead space 2. I cleared 2 circles of Hell and also survived figs. so why the fuck am I so pissed off?

I get it, I'm alone. I'll never have a proper life and my libido will eventually atrophy out. Still pissed off as fuck though.

I hope I start work again tomorrow. I can't slack. absolutely can't.

It's just how I roll

19/5/11

I am thoroughly pissed off. I hate that I was just basically asked to give up any plans I might have had so that my sis can go out. I mean, I was planning to work anyways, but still. HELLO?

DON'T I MATTER?

Seriously, I'm like a piece of furniture here. Moved around as everyone else sees fit. I mean, I WANT to go out and unwind. But instead I'm stuck here. And then I still have to focus on getting my act together to put out some good work so I don't fall behind again.

And believe me, although it always looks like I'm only doing it because I'm being pressured into it, I AM putting my absolute all into it. and then some.

I get distracted easily, yes, and I have lazy tendencies, though. :(

Hopefully, this new sem also means I can keep up the whole 'hardworking' thing.

It's just how I roll

17/5/11

You know, I am a terrible person.

I realised today that I trust NO ONE completely.

to be fair, it's not my fault. I've tried opening up in the past. I tried believing in people. It never ended well.

I'm not lying when I say I really want you to be the person to break the cycle. But also, I don't want to burden you unnecessarily.

I think I've complained about you too much recently.

Can't help it, soppy music playing right now xP

I don't know for sure, but I probably fall into the category of a broken person. I've been hurt so many times I cringe every time I have to show a little emotion. I always think ahead for every possible thing that can go wrong as if it will, and I tend to treat those furthest from me like chess pieces. I lash out at everything around me.

So I guess the thought that someone might actually love this mess is a little inspiring. You know, if it were true.

Not making any sense, I better head off.

It's just how I roll

15/5/11

I won't say I've thought this all the way through.

I can't promise you'll be the mother of my children.

I can't say it's you that I'll propose to in the rain.

I can't say it's you that I will wake up next to every day.

But right now; this second. This moment.

You are everything I want.

It's just how I roll

10/5/11

I really hate life sometimes. it blows.

That little voice in your head that's whispering a million and one stupid ideas and you know the truth behind them, but don't want to accept them.

This is basically the same problems as yesterday's post, just dragging on. I really, really just can't accept such a firecracker-less end to what could have been fantastic. I refuse to accept it.

And yet this snarky little asshole in my head knows what's going on.

I'm always bound to some level of rationality, so I want to abandon that right now. Don't judge me. assholes and dumbfucks.

But seriously, what is it with my negative magnetism to any form of romance? Why is it no matter how hard I work, how much I try, it just never works? And I don't mean broken relationships, I don't even GET that fucking far.

I know, a relationship isn't everything, but I'd just like my turn for a fairytale. Instead, I'm the one who has to always deal with the harsher sides of reality, but never gets the bits that make it all worthwhile.

this really just sucks gigantic monkey balls. I try. Really, I do.

I'm so sick of always spending my weekends doing virtually nothing. I'm so sick of always liking and never being liked in return. I'm so sick of my own code getting in my way.

Hell, I'm sick of reading all these lovey messages and knowing it'll never happen to me. I'm really sick of having all these amazing plans just fall apart. I'm AMAZINGLY sick of always being "that dude I ALMOST could have been. Thank god"

Sometimes, I just wanna scream. I just wanna pick up the nearest chair and fling it into a window. I just want to grab a guy by the collar and sucker punch him.

But knowing me, any plans to do either will fuck up.

Is it so wrong to just not want to feel so lonely all the time?

Fuck you, you, and you.

9/5/11

I want it to work. I really do. I think it can, with a little effort on both parties.

So why do I sometimes feel we're just so far apart?

I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't say anything anymore, it's just left in the wind. Maybe I overestimated again. Maybe you really just AREN'T interested.

That's a major bummer. hope it isn't true, but hell, I'm not a stable person. I smash things against walls and yell profanities like nothing's wrong. If you wanted someone in your life, it'd be a god-damned miracle if you singled it out to me.

I need some time to get everything back in order.

It's just how I roll

7/5/11

Hide your children, it happened.

I DROVE.

ahaha, not very well, mind you.

also, Nazi math:

7 jews, kill 3, how many jews do you have left?

NONE

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL ALL THE JEWS

YOU NOOB

NOW THEY'RE GETTING AWAY

AND STARTING AN ILLEGAL STATE

AND SINKING FIRST AID SUBMARINES

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU DIDNT KILL THEM WHEN YOU DID 7-3

<3

nothing to report, nothing happened today

It's just how I roll

6/5/11

nah, that's just how life goes.

short post today, need my sleep.

I hate being sick. I also hate inconveniences. Therefore, I moved a sign and used it to hold a door. F U, Midvalley.

I need to stop striving for these perfect little things in my head. but then again, it's them that make me who I am. thought erased.

It's so hot I'm not thinking straight. I wanna go punch someone in the face and turn up the universal air-conditioning. That'll teach you to mess with me.

"Dear you know who you are.

Life will get rough. I've never been there to make it any better, and that's kinda unfair because though you hardly know it, you've practically moved mountains for me by just being there. I also doubt I can be around to make it all better until you meet me halfway. Although not blaming you, being half a bridge away from someone like me is a great distance, because now you can safely blow said bridge up without fear of falling. Moving on.

Life is a slavedriver. It will demand more and more of you, and force you on all fours. But even if it has your neck restrained, it can never take away your ability to look up. and sometimes, even when everything's all going to hell, it's just looking up that makes all the difference.

I won't act like I'm good at taking my own advice. But no matter what happens, you are capable of doing anything that you deem important. And if you're still thinking about something ten minutes after it's happened, you know it's important.

You are that little lighthouse reminding me it's worth it to be a good person. Don't stop doing that.

It's just how I roll

5/5/11

hope you lot are ready, it's Cinco de Mayo and this volcano is gonna BLOW.

it's not fair. it's never fair. I was supposed to move on. I was supposed to have FUCKING PEACE. or at least NEW problems. Nothing like this. NOTHING. LIKE. THIS.

I may be overreacting, but my ideal world has NOTHING to do with that THING. And it most certainly has nothing to do with this.

I got rid of you. that was the deal. I work hard, I get to escape your stupid world where brains run at 2% capacity, veins run nicotine and flesh is made of marijuana. instead, I work hard, AND THERE'S THE FUCKING GREAT WALL OF WEED, RIGHT THERE.

WHY. IN. THE. HELL. I was supposed to NEVER SEE YOU or any of those stupid retards you call friends, EVER FUCKING AGAIN.

I won't lie, we used to be friends. For all about 3 years. Too bad you're a crackhead.

All my days, now going to be spent with my head over my own shoulder, just looking. Or smelling, since you smell of puke in the mornings. All my favorite spots, found out. This SHOULDN'T HAPPEN.

I'm not thinking straight. But if there's anyone else, I'm very positive there will be blood.

It's just how I roll

3/5/11

Can I just say it out?

I PASSED MY UNDANG.

oh, and I... no, can't say it yet.

oh, and I has sniper rifle. yup.

I don't know how to tell you, actually. How do I tell you that you make me feel like I want to feel again? That you are a rare good thing to happen in my life after so many ridiculous years. And you probably find me annoying as hell (because I would too), and that eats me up. And when I'm not imagining (or predicting) that you despise my presence, you make me feel like I actually mean something to someone.

...

I'll get there eventually, I'm sure. After 3 years of being a cynic, you tend to be afraid to put your emotions out there. I'm staying a cynic, but jsut without a 100% hate-rate.

which reminds me: I. hate. rempits.

Not even OG rempits. I mean rempits= malay dumbasses who were all failed abortions.

I hate their stupid hair. their stupid voices. the annoying stench of cigarettes. Don't even get me started on the look. that nicotine-deficient look that just makes me want to punch the mother of all things good and use her body as a club to beat the crap outta this dude's mom for not using a condom.

and on to real rempits, I loathe them with a passion. I feel like sitting on the side of highways with a NO MOTOR-fucking-CYCLE sign and beating the motherfucker over the head with it everytime they drive by. I guess they are allowed there, cus that's NOT EVEN A MOTORCYCLE.

Oh, this deserves a paragraph on it's own. That piece of motorized scrap metal. It's a glorified bicycle. A motorcycle is a harley. They take up a lane like a NORMAL vehicle. They sound GOOD revving. you guys drive cheap trash cans made of bottlecaps and vitagen foil and start up the engine to get the sound of a rubber band having an orgasm fucking a 2-dollar bill. It's so insignificant, it doesn't pay road tax because even with a passenger, it doesn't have molecular density to be counted as an ordinary vehicle.

And the women. Oh god, the women. What woman hears that horrible sound and thinks "yup, I dated a MAN". Good whore, you are stupid. Just so you know.

The races. yes, these stupid things. Hey, I should get 18 wheelers into a race in the opposite direction. talk about fun. cleaning you guys outta the grill.

This seems half-assed, sorry folks. feeling a little blank

It's just how I roll

1/5/11

So May's started. Normally, I wouldn't care what a new month entails. But this sem break was meant to be a sort of self-reflection period, and I think this post fits nicely into the reflection.

She wasn't the first one to walk out of my life. I've had loads of people ask how they manage without me and then just throw me out like an old rag.

"They leave. Because they should or because they find someone else. And some of them... some of them... forget me. I suppose, in the end, they break my heart"- The Tenth Doctor.

I think that would sum it up well. Most of them just needed someone with a Y chromosome watching over them until they found a boyfriend to, a lot just forget who I am. And to be honest, most of them are disappointments.

But she really disappointed me. she accuses me of not allowing her to evolve as a person, but it's quite the opposite. It's the fact that she didn't change, really, that disappoints me. But I won't harp on it anymore. I've said what I want to say, and so that's final.

But my approval means nothing to any of these people, and it's just as well.

I'll just keep going, it's what I always do anyways.

It's just how I roll