13/7/10

How many possible ways can you wrongly push a button?
As some people learn, alot, actually.

It can be from the simplest of things, too. From quitting because someone else said so, to a simple mistake.

Thinking about it, having your buttons pushed once isn't so bad. When each one sets you up to get knocked down further, that's bad.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, I want to rip off a head. It seems like everything I do never gets recognition. No one says "Thanks man, you're awesome".

Don't give me that smirk. You're not better than me, if only the rest of the world saw that. I actually put in effort for what I want.

Guess what, people? I'm not blaming myself for once.

Everyone else is stupid. I'm working my ass off, and for what?
To be told I'm lazy, arrogant and worthless.
To be side-stepped, pushed in front of vehicles and not worthy of anything.

Thankfully, I have people who care about me. You know what's sad?
All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to hear it from you, with feeling.
And that's too hard, because I'm inferior due to my ACTUAL hard work and will to not die. Because I don't sound like Justin Bieber on crack. Because I won't bring out as much publicity.

You know what else? love is an emotion. Just like hate. All it does is gauge how much emotion there is. So with all this resentment, you have no grounds saying anything about me abandoning you. Because with all that, I'm still moronic enough to follow you.

Because if there's anyone who should see the truth first, it's you.

I'm resentful. I'm bitter. I'm not at all 'mr. right' material to most people. But who's put up with you even longer than him? me. For what? Even I'm not sure.


Losing the battle for power

Part 3

on another note, I'm annoyed.
You take all the credit now, don't you?

I go through all that suffering, all that worrying, and for what?
"Oh, he's soo perfect"

My ass.

When is it my turn? Tell me. When does someone say "Hey, Amirul's pretty awesome. In fact, I think I kinda like him" ?

You know what? This is why I'm so angry with the world. Because no matter how hard you try, how much you believe in that little speck of hope that effort pays off, it doesn't. The winners were born winners, the losers were failed abortions.

How else would you explain CONSTANT side-stepping? I can understand the ocassional one, but this is just a little pushing it, no?

I'm always forced to be the bigger man. The one who gives in. Why? Because I'm not born for glory. I'm just everyone's stepping stone.

Soy Un Perdedor.

Losing the battle for power

Part 2

The cup is over, ending another chapter of my final year. Let's try and organise the year into chapters, shall we?

Chapt I: Welcome to The End
Chapt II: Defying Gravity
Chapt III: Festivities
Chapt IV: Diagnosis?
Chapt V: Vacation
Chapt VI: Football
Chapt VII: ?


Losing the battle for power

11/7/10

Quick bout of emoness before I get into football fever.

We're really far apart from each other. There's so much about you I don't know, but I want to know. Honestly, you've been my alibi for a while, but I think we could make it if we tried.

But all I really need is for you to see the same way. And getting people to do that is not a skill of mine. Not when it comes to feelings, anyway.

Then again, it would be cruel. You'd only be second place, and I don't want people to feel how I do. Unless they deserve it.

I don't know anymore. I've watched you grow up, and we've been playing ping-pong for so long. Or I'm not thinking straight. The latter, probably. But we're also not very alike, upon further insight.

Let's weigh it out:

Pros:
-We both have that little thirst for stardom
-We love movies.
-I get along with your friends
-People see it coming, we won't face much resistance. I said MUCH, didn't I?
- We can entertain each other, I hope.

Cons
-We have our differences- I prefer to tint everything with a little salt and you'd much rather flaunt your girl-next-door charm that sometimes leaves me so helpless
-I'm not sure about you, but I have a thing for physical affection.
-You've never met my friends
-I wonder if I've ever seen the real you
-I have drama. By the boatloads.
-me. I have my little obsessions I'm not sure you've fully comprehended them.
- I have more issues than a century-old-fortnightly.

You know what? I can't think straight. Part 2 coming soon (hopefully)
Losing the battle for power

7/7/10

Happy Bungie day, people.

I'm depressed. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's that feeling of mortality when something you dreaded gets closer and closer.

I'm not gonna waste my time whining about turning your head this way, because I figured you never will anyway. It's stupid I'll never get over it, but at least I can save myself and live a lie long enough.

Maybe I am needy. Can you blame me for wanting support?

Either ways, since I'm not even a friend, I'll just fade back to where I came from.

Losing the battle for power

5/7/10

I've always wondered: are we moving away? or has there always been distance, just that we never see it. I really wanna know.

I think I really need professional help. I'm having problems focusing on anything. I spend a lot of my time spacing out, even in front of the computer.
I'm getting more paranoid.

Also, the concept of love seems more and more annoying to me by the day. Call it fermentation, but if I hear one more gedik girl complaining her boyfriend didn't tag her in his status on myspace, I'm going to shoot someone. Per word.

In fact, i'm finding alot of things annoying. At a time where I need to be focused, i'm getting more exhausted.

You're happy with him now, I guess that's my cue to leave. But my world is incomplete without you. Dilemma. Fun.

Need to think of how to get around this. Adults won't take me seriously, I can tell.
Losing the battle for power

3/7/10

It's very rare that I find a song that just lets me wallow in my emotion. All I need is a chorus and I feel a little better. I'll admit it, I only first heard it on Glee. but hell, it's a nice one. Not even elaborate.

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me?

I think I should be a little positive. As crappy as it was, I'm proud of the Iron Man vid. Effects synthesizing, Getting Chang to fit into an Iron man suit, epicness.

Storyboarding for the 5M project. I don't know, I just REALLY want to do this. This would be my largest accomplishment before SPM.

In a way, my romantic situation's not too bad. at least I talk to her. Screw it, it sucks. I'm a loser who can't let go of a 3-month thing.

Oh, come now, readers, did you really think I'd stay sober that long?

read something just now. How some people still have fun regardless that they acknowledge their life sucks. Maybe I'll try that now.
I've noticed there are some things I refuse to give up on. likewise, there are things I'd give up on in a flash. Unfortunately, my studies are in the wrong group.

I don't know. I've been in a rut lately. Even my creativity is dying. These exams really put me into a funk. Not been able to do homework (even less than usual), been getting emo more easily, been needing more escapism.


Losing the battle for power