30/6/11

I feel like ranting. I can't pick a victim, so I'll wing this one.

Whiny couples, they piss me off. I mean, really. Really. REALLY.

"Boo-hoo, bad day. my life's a wreck. The worse bit is, I have to go home and talk to someone that will make it all better. FML. When will oprah answer my fucking call?"

Seriously. You got something, use it. Fucking idiots. I get the temporary feeling of despair, I guess, but I hate those people who are always trying to justify that they're not having as good a time as they fucking show. "oh, he's not THAT great, I mean he's always..." fuck you. If you didn't like the douche you'd be like me writing angry posts no one reads.

And I hate stupid ticketing systems. I went to buy tickets for transformers this weekend, and I wanted an 8.00pm show. So the guy clicks it and suddenly the machine goes "JK, COCK BICYCLE, I SOLD THE LAST TICKETS BITCH!"

I know it's not the guy's fault, but would it kill anyone to design a smoother system that doesn't taunt you about it?

I mean, COME ON, PEOPLE. WE'RE THE HUMAN FUCKING RACE. WE BUILT A GIANT SPACE STATION ABOVE THE EARTH AND FLEW TO THE MOON! and you're telling me you can't make a smoother fucking ticketing system?

Also, new couple syndrome. that whole "Smother my gushiness in 50 faces and get a fucking achievement!" really pisses me off. I feel so whiny repeating this, but if you're so fucking in love, shouldn't you be focused ON EACH OTHER and not bothering the rest of us with it?

And let's move on to the fucking drama queens of the world, shall we? Unless I invoke the wrath of... YOUR FIERY VENGEANCE THAT WILL COME DOWN ON ME SWIFTLY AND BOLDLY. Seriously? You can take that to Bold and The Beautiful. They could use better script writers, anyways. But excess drama in your sentences does not make you smart, it just kinda makes you a douche. And coming from the motherfucking king of douches, that's saying something.

As you can see, I still need to focus my thoughts to rant properly. I'll give it time.

It's just how I roll

28/6/11

I'm not sure what to write. I hate being sick. that's a fo shizzle. I hate being shut up, definitely. But it's a must this time round. I like being a Pyro in TF2.

Still very much alone. This round it can't be helped, I really just haven't had the time to put effort into something that's always turning up fruitless. For now. I'll be back soon.

Transformers 3 comes out soon. Can't believe it's been 5 years already.

It's just how I roll

25/6/11

lol, tired from a long day with chang and dush. We hung out at the curve, played a LOT of games and generally just hung out like old times.

I need to play this well, hardcore all my projects and still not turn into a soulless robot. Need to make room to destress.

Also, itinerary for tomorrow: Driving, haircut, work/downloading TF2.

It's just how I roll

20/6/11

The dates have seemed... funny. /shrugs

Anywhoo, I'm here to just touch on something that's come to my attention.

Romance tends to fuck up friendships. I mean seriously.

I don't think I should rant any further, partially cus I have perspex to clean, and partially because my mouth seems to be getting me into extra shit lately.

Also, my big plan to go to hartamas and watch the whole fashion monstrosity has crashed and burned. And you know what?

I'm not mad. I think God is finally throwing me the bone I so rightly deserve.

Let's face it. Ash might ACTUALLY kill me. If you're reading this, NO. that WASN'T my plan. TBH, I just get a little stir crazy and thought I could break the cycle and just get out and do something different. therefore, there. Besides, I made a promise. And though the world sucks at keeping it's own, I will keep to mine and not bother her. fuck it, if she wants me she can come find me. in person.

I'm not sure, but my little experiment with alice may be over too. Guess it's back to just wandering around again. Should be fun, no pining over someone or anything. Just kicking ass and being a dick. And then being amazed as fuck once someone finds that attractive. or even better, sees that soft mushy side of me I'll probably rarely let out now that there's no one to open up to.

Okay, there is perspex to clean and sleep to be had. Hopefully, life looks up for me tomorrow. I'd hate to smash more things.

It's just how I roll

19/6/11

so, I can't decide wether to rant or not. I need the hate in my system, fo shizzle. but wether I still have what it takes to focus it into a rant or not is a different question.

I think the world needs a little perspective. Because often enough, sometimes people ask for really stupid things. I don't mean the material kind, because I am a firm believer in retail therapy. FEED THE WORLD!

But back in line. I'm not going to take the high road and act like I'm not guilty of this. Perhaps I need a little perspective too. But sometimes, people really, and I mean REALLY just don't make sense.

Let's take for starters, another random case of people pissin' me off with their stupid drama life. Occasionally, drama is good, but this is just plain STUPID. You wanna spend your birthday being all gushy with your boyfriend, I get it. Totally makes sense. But last minute, he has something to do and goes off. Okay. You're sad, I get that.

"You know who I blame? thanks, family, for not being there"

wait. WHAT?!

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. so it's THEIR fault that you're a whiny co-dependent person? I'll probably get a LOT of flak for this, but seriously. This is beyond retarded.

I know I bitch a lot about being alone, but this REALLY isn't what I hope to find. This clingyness that just turns sour into poor unreasonability. I mean seriously, relationships can really fuck some people up. Brings out some ugly sides of them.

Sometimes, I wanna experiment on these people. See if they ACTUALLY die due to excess separation. I guess not everyone can get thrown on their ass as much as me that they become virtually heartless, since I obviously am the only person seemingly bothered that there are spineless twits afoot.

That aside, all these people expecting me to be so horribly... not me. I know expecting better of someone is one thing, I do that a lot. But there are some things that just have no benefit in changing. Allow me to elaborate.

I can come off as creepy sometimes. maybe it's the monotone voice. maybe it's the way I say some things and maybe it's the unholy bastard child of the 2 mixed with my inappropriate choice of conversation topics. And you know what? some people, who even though think of me that way, are cool with that. I don't know how, but I still get told off for trying to change who I am. I DON'T hate that.

Back to my point. If someone already knows me as hannibal lecter minus gigantic brain and taste for liver, who am I to bother trying to change their perception? I mean seriously, a first impression lasts forever. I can occasionally be nicer, but let's face it: I am who I am. Geek, cynic, closet romantic. I will occasionally state my opinion at bad times, I'll hold grudges against people who fuck up.

my rants are still fucked up. I can't think of anything new to bitch about, since I've covered what I already hate.

It's just how I roll

18/6/11

Hi.

I miss you.

don't think this means I have some elaborate scheme to get you, because I don't. If you want me out, I'll walk out. I just need time to readjust.

And the lack of a proper goodbye bites too.

But you know what? I'm sick of being sad. I'm sick of just being the victim while the universe wails on me like the chewtoy I am.

So I'll just keep moving forward. I'll occasionally still look back and feel sad, maybe things will die down and you'll come back, but I think that's just it.

everything is in a state of freefall. I don't know.

It's just how I roll

15/6/11

yesterday, I had another meltdown. things went flying, things were said and generally, I feel a lot better. As in, seriously better.

I need a way to let this out. I guess a problem would be that I don't feel 100% better by just talking it out or by JUST smashing. I need to do both before I feel like it's gone.

I feel really sad seeing everyone affected by burnout. I can see the strain, I don't like where it might lead to. Topping that, my head hurts and there remains work to be done.

It's just how I roll

13/6/11

I was thinking I'd use my funk to write more poetry, but i'm a little too dead for that.

I should be getting to work, too. Gah.

Since I'm already here, I should just spill what's on my mind.

I'm scared. I really don't want to fail anything this sem. The sem apparently has other things in store, by making me paint every chance I get.

I'm also scared of people leaving. I don't know why, but I've always had these abandonment issues. I guess that's why I make a big deal out of unkept promises and stuff. And I see so many possibilities for friendships to fall apart, I guess I'm scared of that.

I've drained myself of anger for the time being, so yeah. all that's left is just a puddle of sadness. I won't pretend you never happened, but I can't keep remembering all those hopes and dreams and be okay that they never happened.

As for Alice, I can't keep lying to myself. there is nothing there. Just tail chasing and eye candy.

This feels strange.

It's just how I roll

11/6/11

As I wandered the wastelands

towers in ruin around me

lay a tree no mortal eye could comprehend;

no mortal mouth could describe.

Beneath it, he rests;

a giant chrysalis.

And as the leaves rattled; like children waiting to be fed;

the howling winds danced around me; and I looked.

The destroyed fires; the wrecked buildings,

What once dared to grab the sky; on its knees

even remains of mortals, just trying to grab on,

And they pointed in one direction; like schoolchildren taunting.

A tree, in the center. Its leaves rattling,

its core; pulsing

its chrysalis; rocking as if it beckoned

and though I knew better; I dared to touch it.

And I saw it.

I saw the chrysalis; its pulse growing heavier,

it glowed from the inside; it started to cleave itself open,

I almost thought I could reach the hand escaping the chrysalis.

And then I saw it.

as it darkened; its pulse slowing,

the embers let little glowing beams; pouring from cracks.

There were no words to describe this tree; as it bent; distorted and twisted as it came to the ground.

Have you ever seen a candle?

The tree tried to describe the flickering flame; dancing wildly,

I could almost hear a scream of pain

and then nothing.

It did not go without leaving marks; though;

it joined the others;

just mounds of dust;

in the barren wasteland.

I thought long and hard;

The others must have been beautiful too;

and I felt rage and sorrow flood me until I drowned from the inside out;

but I swallowed it and just kept walking.

I like to believe that is what this wasteland will mold me into;

Because stopping only draws pain and sorrow;

reaching only brings destruction

but walking brings about nothing.

It's just how I roll

Fuck Everything Especially Life. (FEEL)

You suck. You all do. I hate you all.

Life is just one big diner, where the shit is served well done and in MONSTER PORTIONS.

I want to scream at the moon, and I will. I will pull jupiter out of orbit, I will bring unbalance out of everything I see.

I couldn't just have a bad day. No, I couldn't. To continue, this has to be Shitstorm part 2. This is the ROTF style sequel, where EVERYTHING happens. And not in the way that ends nicely.

Seriously, life, fuck you. I can't stress on that enough.

First, the world's suckiest presentation, made suckier. Next, my friday afternoon butchered. After that? The shittiest 3 hour trip home ever. Now?

She left. SHE FUCKING LEFT. Just got up and left. No warning, no nothing.

Why does everyone leave me? You know what? all I wanted from you was a mate. A friend I could trust with entirety. Someone to join the circle that was falling to pieces. That's all.

But nope, you're gone. Blip. Blammo. No explanation. THanks.

Everyone's leaving me. thanks.

It's just how I roll

6/6/11

I'm down. My imagination is getting the better of me. Losing more people from my life will destroy me from the inside out. Especially the way it's going now.

Please, for once, let me be wrong about this.

But seriously, why do people always leave? I try and try to be a better person. In the end, it's always the ones I get most attached to that leave.

Thanks, life. you suck, really. Always fucking me over in the worst ways imaginable. For a few cheap laughs. Thanks, I needed that. even less confidence when it comes to meeting people. bravo. BRAVO.

Now my paranoia is eating me up. destroying me from the inside. Why can't I ever just be happy? make plans, have them happen. have those days where I float 2 inches off the ground. Mean something to someone. Make a person float 2 inches of the ground.

Instead, I have to be this person who either sabotages his own happiness or has life do it for him. There's just no winning for me, is there?

Sure, you give me those little steps to climb, but in the long run?

Now I'm doing all this shit without air conditioning either. Thanks.

Fuck you all.

5/6/11

This should be noted.

Life has many patterns, but one very funny pattern is the fact that I tend to meet these really preachy people.

For the most part, they're normal, until one of many specific triggers go off.

And I know what you're gonna say, "What's so different about your rants?"

First off, you= lectures. Lectures are directed at people. You sound all high and mighty to try and get people your way. As in you go on this high and mighty parade talking about how YOU, as a PERSON, have RIGHTS, and will NOT BE SUBJECT TO THIS KIND OF THING just because I am a CAPITALISTIC *insert more big words* *insert more big words* *keep going*

*omg, they don't stop, do they?*

*geez, check out the lung capacity on this one*

*in case you haven't caught up on it, I'm replacing (insert big words) with my opinion*

*Yes, I'm an ass that way*

*screw you. I like to think this is immaturely funny*

*oh, she's done*

AND YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH IT.

Back on topic, me= rants. Notice how no one's reading this. In fact, you don't necessarily exist. I'm just one angry particle in a great big universe, shooting off data into cyberspace that can be translated to mirror my brainwaves at this moment. Got that? no? yes?

Note the lack of answer. Like I said, it doesn't matter who doesn't read this because I don't expect this to change anything. it's just my notes on how much I hate the world. I'm not gonna bother changing it, because there has yet to be a cure to irrational stupidity.

This is gonna be one of those half assed rants. it's not so much a hate rant, because I have my composure.

What's really sad is I almost became that. not sure what went wrong along the way, but yeah. Bullet dodged.

Clearly, I lack the tenacity I originally had to pursue this rant. Adios.

It's just how I roll

Goodbye.

Not gonna bother dating this post. It doesn't deserve it.

I'm so glad you finally came out and said it. Those feelings I knew you had, finally out in the open.

You don't want me around, not in the slightest.

I don't want you to become one of those people I'll always talk about with a chip on my shoulder. I don't want you gone. I don't want this to go in the long list of reasons I should just speak in monotone and never feel again.

I guess with you no longer being a part of my world, I have no more unresolved issues from 2010. Which means that it's the perfect time for a new me.

I'll probably be even less open about how I feel now, what with the amazing success this turned out to be. I probably will just give in and digress to mindless lazing about; never having any ambition.

You know what sucks? I want to be mad. I want to turn a table over and swing a chair into the wall. I want to howl so loudly into the night someone will think there's a murder going on. I want to stab a wall so many times the paint cracks. I want to punch a guy in the face then shove a lit cigarette onto his tongue.

But there's no point. I'll be making all the noise in the world and no one will hear me.

1/6/11

today's theme is sick.

I'm sick of being under appreciated. I stayed up last night babysitting depressed people. What did I get? NOTHING. I try to be a nicer person, and all I get is an idiot attention whore who just needed extra comments on his status, and a thanks to a completely different person.

I'm sick of being the only person to have a fucking drive. I gave you ONE SIMPLE THING TO DO. Not only did you NOT do it, you also came LATE and I had to fly solo. So apparently, even standing in the background is too hard for you. at this rate, I may as well present solo, too.

Oh, then there's my sis again. That overdependent pile of mush. I mean, a simple dinner also apparently requires your boyfriend coming along. you complain you're tired but you want to drive to his place after that. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

And finally, you. I guess underneath all this anger, I'm just sad. I've already said goodbye to some people this year, And you just asked to be part of the crowd.

I really, really put myself out there for you. I thought, for once in my new life, I'd try to connect emotionally. Looks like I'll still always get hurt.

Fuck you, life. Fuck you for never letting me do things my way. Instead, it's always detours and shit. All I wanted was to have someone I could relate to. Someone with that deep, unspoken understanding of me. But no, you'll give it to everyone fucking else in the world, just not me.

I'm out of words.

It's just how I roll