30/12/10

Why do we do it?

we move along among others, pretending like we belong.

we are like shadows on the wall.

We only see things come together, no one sees the real distance.

we are in the mist, everyone is just passing by.

Who are we? Me.

Sorry, my poetic centre isn't working. I knew I'd be bummed about Yan leaving, but this is pushing it. I've been in a rather foul mood, and the fact no one in my household seems to even bother listening to me makes it worse.

I know, the world doesn't revolve around me. But it seems that the year is just gonna start with abandonment issues for me. Yan's left for the UK, Chang leaves for NS on the 2nd, Melor leaves for college soon after.

When I saw her today, I just couldn't help but feel... empty. I mean, I know there was some distance between us as of late, but she was, in a way, one of the people who was there for me. We could talk about video games, movies, drawings (although I am never gonna be as pro as her) and even be sick, I haven't met anyone like that in a while. Someone who could hit me back with the same stuff.

I don't understand why I'm so emotional about this. I'm used to resets. I'm on top of things. I can be moved location-to-location.

She put up with so much of my crap, I can't believe she did all that without ever submitting and telling me her problems.

And the punchline? my big plan for her farewell couldn't have failed harder. Didn't get the presents, the party or the shirt. Hopefully, a day with the guys tomorrow will keep my mind off things.

It's just how I roll

29/12/10

Straight off the bat: Tron: Legacy has one of the most epic soundtracks ever. Daft Punk was an AWESOME choice for it (and everyone on the Grid looks like they're auditioning for a third member of daft punk anyways)

came back from penang and had my 1v1 against darren with Alvin spectating. Sure, I lost but I learnt some new things.

Alvin says I'm too passive. I need to be on the offensive and so I'm thinking a heavier baneling push. Until I can get the speedlings out.

Supposed to be at the airport to say bye to yan tomorrow. Really am gonna miss her. We had one of our bioshock chats just now and it made me realise it was all in my head.

new year's coming up, my big plan failed. Oh well, loads more where they came from.

It's just how I roll

28/12/10

I can safely say my self esteem returned today, if only for a short while.

Saw a hot chic at breakfast, beat myself when I couldn't get to talk to her. But apparently fate works in mysterious ways.

Saw her again. wait for it. in a super skimpy bikini. wait for it. talked to her, too.

Even though I epic failed (she was 23, vietnamese and I probably scared the crap outta her) the fact I mustered up the courage to talk to her and not die when I realised what was going on was a BIG boost to the self-esteem.

It's the little things like this that will bring me closer to you.

It's just how I roll

27/12/10

WHYYYYY

Internet dropped me from my starcraft game. Was almost certain my new build would work this time. fuck.

Muta's are fast growing to be my fav unit (sorry brood lords). They're fast, deadly and (relatively) cheap.

Been taking time to prod Chang's life a bit. Even though he doesn't know, my meddling may be for the better. Shush now.

Ignoring your refusal to accept my existence, never mind it. I'm still saying goodbye. I owe you that much.

I don't know, life is full of disappointments lately. Prom was one (although proving that you can have fun without a date was awesome), the fact that everyone was making out or slowdancing was kind of frustrating. This holiday isn't what I'd call brilliant (although thank god I have internet, even if it's slow)

Maxim went and stirred up an issue best left unstirred.

I'm all alone.

bleugh

It's just how I roll

21/12/10

It's bad enough I actually liked you for a while. It's even worse you won't be here any more. The punchline? The fact I'm being shut out before all of this boils down. I'm just lost.

It's almost like I never existed. Or that I'm just some scrap metal on the side of the street.

I'm not holding anything against you, I figured my personality needs some re-adjusting anyways.

But it just stings that I can be so easily ejected out of people's lives. oh well, like I said. Being a loner means just that. No attachments. a background on the nickelodeon.

Signed up for college today, no comment on that. Other than stupid chlamydia sp jokes.

Lost 2/2 against chang on starcraft. He's learned not to put his money on photo cannons, and prefers warp gates because of the superior warp time. I could probably kill him if he didn't have archons (and their stupid bonus against zerg units) .

So here's my plan. It took some digging, but I'll do it. The oldest trick in the book:

wait for it

The 6Pool. if I can overwhelm him before his gateways come up, I can slow down his economy just long enough to power a full assault. Fingers (and Zerglings) crossed.

May have found a mentor. Hurm.

It's just how I roll

19/12/10

Went around looking at colleges yesterday. Never have I felt the future bearing down on me like I did just then.

Aside from the fact my plans just got thrown into a blender.

I either start college in Jan or may. May is WAY too long, but Jan is just... bleugh. two weeks from now. In a way, I won't be worried about running out of things to do, I guess.

Been doing some thinking. How is it that every time I like a girl, I seem to push her away? it's happened with Ashley, and many other candidates I have figured will remain anonymous.

Another thought comes to mind: What if it's all in my head? I mean, mindset plays a big role.

So many questions, so little time.

I mean, you could be what I need. Someone who can see things the way I do (for the most part) without being a carbon copy of me (god knows he made the Amiruls far apart for a reason). Being around you makes me feel happy, and I guess after being lonely for the social equivalent of eternity, I need someone like you.

Oh well, not that you'll ever find out. Game on.

It's just how I roll

15/12/10

It's been 2 weeks into december.

6 days since I finished my SPM.

Went out with Alex and Ashley today. I think Alex is starting to notice who I am. Hurm.

Either ways, had a blast. Even if I had to leave.

Discovered the other day what a fun Deathmatch on Doom 3 is like. Also, taught chang what crowning was with hands-on practice. That's right. Multiple crownings.

A lot of my goals are coming to life now. Got my master chief figure, hanging out with friends, all makes me feel alive. I just feel... happy now.

Also, duetting Love The Way You Lie with Ashley. Wtf?

It's just how I roll

12/12/10

It's really happening.

All around me, things are unfolding. In the good way. Oh, how joyous.

Hoping somewhere I go, i'll find MUA 2.

List of games:

Bioshock 2

MUA 2

Dante's Inferno

God of War 3

Fallout: New Vegas(?)

Red Dead: Redemtion/ ANY GTA game.

making plans for next week. Can't let myself fall into a slump.

btw, Yan, if you've been stalking my blog, it's time we went out for some zombie killing. Liek srsly

It's just how I roll

10/11/10

It's over. After several weeks of breaking down, SPM is over. Of course, my post is a day late. Was busy having fun yesterday and letting it all go.

I can honestly say, I feel a LOT better now. I feel more... optimistic. A little less worried about being alone, a little less worried about what everyone thinks.

Also, I think I can work this confidence to my advantage.

So I'm REALLY hoping I get to see Ashley this week. It would much a suck if I didn't get to spend this happiness with her.

think that's it for now.

It's just how I roll

7/12/10

Am having a high now, so gonna post about it while I can.

Re-introed to The Tick today. Can honestly say I've never laughed so hard in a LOONG time.

Of course, that could mean a week. I forget. fucking exams messing up my sense of time.

Also finally got my revenge on that fucking ai in starcraft. Headphones, you were avenged.

Am starting to get the feeling you don't want me around. I mean, I know I make inappropriate comments, and that most of the time I come across as one-dimensional and someone who belongs in a comic book, but I think you should know I really do care, it's just hard to show it when something bad happens every time you try to.

I guess our world's are very different. Your world has everyone racing for the next hand grip, mine is to just not fall off.

I won't hold it against you if you despise me. I'll still miss you when you're gone, I'll still pretend like everything's okay. As terrible a liar as I am, hiding behind arrogance is the one thing I am without a doubt good at.

It's just how I roll

4/12/10

It never occurred to me what's going down. All around, things will change. It's not going to be something I can STOP, nothing I can control. Just something that will happen.

I guess that's life. You can rant about it, you can protest, you can even try mailing a petition to The Big Guy, but 26 out of 24 times, it will happen anyways (don't tell me I got my stats wrong, I know what I was typing). And for mailing a petition, I doubt that would work.

People are moving on to pursue what they want in life. Things will change and things will stay the same.

Darren keeps reminding me that next year is a clean slate. That I'm getting that new world I've always wanted. Guess I should see it that way too. So to everyone, I hope you know, no matter what happens, I'll always look back on these past few months with a smile. I may have been demented, murderous and even one-handed on occasion, ignored you completely, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Hmm, not MUCH....

Kidding, kidding.

This all dawned when I did another reflection: I have an awesome life. I get to make awesome shorts with an awesomely insane film crew, learn and teach stop-motions and play videogames until I assume I have a HP bar floating over my head. I also have this LOONG never ending quest for love, and an imagination active enough to drag me into the stupidest things.

So yeah, life's pretty good.

For the record, when that fb page said that the perfect guy replies your messages even when he's playing a game, that was a sign for you to come and get me ;)

It's just how I roll

2/12/10

I'd like to think I'm a very vengeful person. The kind who would never let go of a good grudge. the kind who is one bad day away from actually slitting your throat where you stand, and 2 bad days away from torturing you first.

I'd like to think I'd do it to all your fellow low-lives too. Get a nice board to tie your wrists to. Tie ropes around your necks and hang them from a ceiling fan. Yes. one of you on each blade as I shiver in excitement over what comes next.

No, I won't leave it at that. You see, as long as the board is still attached to your disgusting bodies, you won't suffer. Not yet. A trapdoor under the board, perhaps? unimportant.

Before I actually kill you, I want the satisfaction of you knowing what you bred. Considering there's two of you I'd really want to kill, I wouldn't want to make a mess of things.

Perhaps I'd slice off the eyelids of you first, so you wouldn't miss what happened to your fellow comrade.

As for you, no. the one who can still close his eyes. I'd like to hear you talk big one last time. Before I hammer a nail through your left hand. Can't risk you freeing yourself from the board, can I?

I'd like to have a good shot at you too. Perhaps I could hammer out a few dents in your gut?

Time to go back to your friend. He probably deserves one in the gut too. and some burning oil on his arm. I won't be selfish about it. spoiling you is not a concern.

Since you're so fond of cigarettes, I'll just give you one last one, each. But to make sure we don't waste any precious time, I'll let you get straight to the good part. Run a fruit knife along your arm, and stick the lit cigarette straight in. Your other friend can have it down his throat. I'd be wearing gloves, of course. The mouth is a filthy place, after all.

Time to re-assess your positions. Make sure the adrenaline rush hasn't allowed you to break any of those ropes. Or tape. Or the nail.

Still there? good.

Here's the fun part. Now that you're probably talking big again, I can't have you interrupting the precision work that follows. It's high precision stuff.

Who am I kidding? No it isn't. Just gonna chop off one leg from each of you.

Before someone remembers MacGyver episodes, I'd saw the board in half.

Using a fruit knife, I'd then trace little cuts along your neck. You see, while you suffer my wrath, your friend there has the burden of having to watch it.

My dear audience member can then have the honor of being slashed across the face. The only orthodox thing to happen.

Now, I would have gotten it all out of my system, so I guess it's time to pull the trap door. Just in case the fan DOES break (which I would also tinker with to prevent) I'd sit and watch the ordeal. Hopefully, the board weighs you down enough that it's quick.

That felt good. Logically, I wouldn't do this in real life. But the idea of it was just so tempting I had to write it down. I'm sorry, but as extreme a punishment as this would have been , I can honestly say I despise you from the bottom of my heart. Our worlds need not have collided, but you made it so just to wreck it and get a few laughs out of it. So hopefully, and I mean hopefully, you die painful deaths by someone else's hands.

It's just how I roll

28/11/10

Ever had one of those days you wish you could just crawl back to bed and erase it like it never happened?

I'm having one of those. I lost my pencil, which was just the kick to my confidence I needed before I embark on the one week of SPM I thought I could do well at. To make things worse, my mom suddenly re-insists we go on vacation (nevermind I had made plans with friends already) and I seem to be screwing up left, right and centre.

Sometimes I just wish I could go around saying that what would make things better is a hug. It's not entirely true, what I need is to just get my confidence back to normal to be able to live through the next two weeks.

It's just how I roll

25/11/10

And, week 1 comes to an epic close with sejarah going down after 5 good years of being a pain in my ass.

How do you do that? I was all ready to start re-assessing, and you remind me how awesome you are.

Even though it's not a certainty that what I find will be useful,

I guess I just have to give it a whack.

Who knows, I guess?

It's just how I roll

21/11/10

I hate new couples. They're always so annoying with their "I can't live without you" crap. Seriously, it's been a week. shut up.

Now that I'm back to my normal self (and by normal I mean cynical, resentful and twisted),

let's list out a list of things I hate (not necessarily in order):

-New couples

-Mushy couples

-Being alone

-Being REMINDED that I'm alone

-Dead things

-Some living things

-being a disappointment

-being disappointed

-gedik people. They should REALLY be shot.

-Being treated like an inferior

-various people

-failure

-grammar fails

-stupid fb updates. Seriously, if you don't care what he's doing now, then don't waste my news feed with it.

-uncreative fb updates. Seriously? try coming up with your own wit for a change. It feels much more satisfying. Or at least hide the fact that you liked a page with the same name 5 minutes ago.

- Hypocrites

-Racists

-Not having control.

No, this wasn't for your benefit. It was for mine. Now that all that hate is out, I can get to work.

It's just how I roll

My Code, 1

In Between my hate and rants, I guess this is a pretty good time to store my notes on the world. After all, I'd like to think I've seen the world enough to at least pluck out a few of the many chains.

This is awkward. not knowing how to start it. It's always been mentioned in passing.

So let's start with you. the person reading this. Your reading this either means I'm dead and you're looking for possible reasons, or you're a stalker who's following my blog, or I've become famous and this has become a guide for every geek wanting to step-up the social ladder.

See what I did there? Assume every possibility. When faced with a decision, it's always important to know every, if not the majority, of outcomes you could be faced with. If you're too emotional to see them right away, then postpone decision-making until you've got at least 3 possible outcomes.

God, that felt good to impart something. even if it was to a computer screen.

hopefully my computer learns it.

For now, that's all I can impart. writer's block.

It's just how I roll

15/11/10

I dont know why.

I should be feeling awesome. My evil scheme is in motion.

And I got hugged :)

I'm sorry, under all this bitterness, sarcasm and attempts at machoness, lies a little boy who likes being hugged.

But realising that this won't change the fact i'm still miserably alone, that gets me down. Don't ask why, it just does.

I can safely say i'm over you, but it's just that I'm kinda bummed that even you've got someone perfect for you.

And where do I go?

It's just how I roll

14/11/10

It's funny how two things can coincide completely.

Today is someone special's bday, and though I hope you NEVER find my quiet little corner of cyberspace, I hope you know how much you mean to me and how I hope you have many happy returns today :)

One year ago, someone I knew passed away. It's not the passing that still bums me out 365 days, 7 hours and 43 minutes after I found out. It was just that I saw this person almost every day, and rarely talked to this person. In fact, I can only remember talking to her once.

And to be honest, I've felt a little guilty ever since.

But I guess that's what life is. A series of flashing reminders.

Heh. In tune with my no-emo-day, I won't continue that rant.

I've roughly planned out how things are going to go. Must finish that.

It's just how I roll

12/11/10

Typical. Just typical.

The world gets it's happy ending, except me. Of course.

It's only fair, I guess. not like I deserve one, anyways.

So as brilliantly as I pretend to fit in with the world, when it's a couple's only song playing, guess who's out there all alone?

I'll give you a hint.

It's me.

YES, it's childish to be upset just cause of this. But c'mon. My life has been one screw up after another. Just having a person I know deep down who could always pick up the pieces and put me back together, I'd say I deserve at least that much.

But of course, no. Whatever psycho plan God has laid out for me next, whatever fucking misadventure is next, it requires I be miserable and lonely. cus that's how He rolls.

I mean, at least give me someone to say "at least i'm not THAT person". but NOPE. It's all me this time.

Everyone will be looking at ME, going "Oh sayang, I love you so much, I was almost THAT, can you believe that?"

"No, I love you too much to believe that. NO ONE deserves to be THAT. Except for THAT. maybe THAT deserves worse"

cue snare drum. laughter.

I wish I'd at least be good at something. So far, I'm a failure at EVERY. FUCKING. THING. I. DO.

Everyone's got their fairy tale. A knight in shining armor to come save their asses from the ugly unloved dragon. Who am I? I'm the dragon's crap. I dont even get a mention.

Let's face it. I'm never anyone's number 1. the security of being someone's only one eludes me. Why? I deserve it, apparently. cus I'm not a nice person. I mind my own business (OHEMGEE) I make my own snarky comments and keep them to myself (THENERVE) and enjoy geeky things like aliens and robots (ABOMINATION).

Everyone's so happy in love. I hate it. I want it to be MY TURN.

NOT as a sidekick. MY. FUCKING. TURN.

I'm tired of being the lonely person on fb on a friday night watching everyone exchange their love notes. I'm tired of having no one to message when I'm being held at knifepoint during family events. I'm tired of never being able to get physical romance.

And I am most definitely, without a doubt, sick and tired of doing SO MUCH work, and getting ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR IT.

Or even worse, being called a fucking DISAPPOINTMENT for it.

just how I roll

11/11/10

Where to start?

I'm slowly becoming outdated. inferior. While i'm sure there are still people who appreciate me in their lives, one by one everyone learns there is a much larger world when Amirul is removed from it.

This is a sign I must adapt. evolve as necessary.

move on.

two days of social solitude has helped me out. tomorrow I re-join society and hopefully get some studying done.

My evil schemes are still in motion. no stopping them now.

It's just how I roll

Rant Time

Shut up, world.

Just shut. up.

Do you know how much of my afternoon entertainment you've given me? how entertaining it is, watching you contradict yourself, failing over and over?

Call me a cynic. I'm sick of love. I'm sick of expecting things to work out, and they never do.

So maybe i'm not sick of love. Maybe i'm just yearning it. Like a little growth inside me, devouring my insides.

Who do I call to make it all better? who do I call when I've accomplished something grand in my life?

I'm sick of reading how great your love lives are. How perfectly everyone fits together. How smug they are. When is it my turn?

I want one of those romances where the person is not exactly like me, but like me enough to understand me. (That's right, Alia, I indirectly said it). Someone who'll call me up on a saturday night and say "I read your production log today. How did the movie making go?"

Someone who would love me despite the intense amount of crazy in my life.

But I'm coming to terms with the fact that someone doesn't exist.

Anyone's welcome to prove me wrong, but I think I'll either have to drop the bar or get out of the game.

It's just how I roll

10/11/10

I'm not sure what I'm good at anymore. It seems to me like I epic fail at everything. Studies? as if. Haven't done remotely well for ANYTHING this year. Starcraft? my ass. I keep getting my ass kicked. I dont play so well when I'm easily distracted by thoughts of my failure.

Art? HA-FUCKING-HA. Never.

...Romance? Have you been paying attention at ALL? I fail at that too.

I'm just a pathetic waste of biological material and genetic coding. I'll never amount to anything at this rate.

It's just how I roll

9/11/10

For the record, today had to be the biggest meltdown ever. For a fact, parents are losing their trust in my patience, I have to be 'reminded' not to go pounding things in the house.

I just hate feeling so pathetic. That I can't do anything right. That something big is coming up and the only thing on the other end of it is more misery. It makes things feel... meaningless.

Fell asleep in a shoe cabinet. Hoped I'd die, didn't.

It basically started when I was printing stuff to reference when I sketch. a sheet of paper got stuck inside the printer and the paper tore while printing.

Figuring now wasn't the time to give up, I tried with another sheet of paper.

Didnt work either.

Now, anyone following this depressing series of events would know I've not been the most stable of people . Of course I snapped. I practically melted down. I broke my trashcan, bent the hooks that I hang my curtains on, made a mess of my room and generally screwed things up.

Ever since the reality of this accursed month set in I've been living in a house of cards. My patience is sorted out into 52 little rectangles co-relying on one another for support. But suddenly one small thing slides out of place and my house of cards is just looking like a mess.

It's just how I roll

8/11/10

This post is a vent. Much angst will come out of it. You have been warned.

I'm tired of being a failure. A disappointment to everyone. I TRY and TRY, but nothing ever comes out of it.

Also, to the fucker who just lit a firecracker outside, you're dead now. I will personally slice your head in half.

I hate how one failure affects everything, including my ability to perform in future. It's stupid.

I don't know why. I just feel pressed. Very VERY stressed.

I learn the hard way my body is a perfectionist by design. With very bad coping mechanisms. Rather than be inspired by failure to do better, failure seems to just mean 'give up and die'. This is not good.

I just realised my track record is not very good either. I'm a giant waste of potential. Bra-fucking-vo.

I know you mean the best, but everytime one of my adoring friends tells me I can do better, it translates to 'I'm disappointed in you, fucktard'.

-Depressed-

It just seems to me, that I had that ONE high point in the year where I could study. Then it stopped. I could do ANYTHING, and now it's gone. Fuck.

It's just how I roll

7/11/10

Often, a lot of lives are based around an event. Something that defines a person. Sometimes, a person is the way they are because of the loss of a loved one. Every aspect of a personality has its roots. One is never that way by default.

A few years back, I recall sitting in the dining room with my sister. I was upset about something. I don't recall what, but it was trivial. I specifically remember her telling me:

"Do you remember *name removed*? the reason everyone hates her is because she's always going on about how miserable she is. You should never let people know how bad you feel on the inside"

Years later, I'm still taking that advice. Never once have I openly broadcasted my dislike for myself. It's always been buried under cynicism, a general lack of interest in things and violent video games. I'd say it's one of those key things that makes me... me.

Sad to say, though, that the person who made me this way is the exact opposite. Every day, I see her defying that one rule she gave me to live by. Thanks.

At least I know that my rules are my own now.

In lighter news, it's almost your birthday Hannah Azlan May you have many happy returns on your big day :D

It's just how I roll

4/11/10

What is the meaning of our lives?

Why do we let all the precious time go by?

This used to be a frequently asked question by me. I rarely saw the point in a lot of things, considering the fact that everyone was on a timer.

Now that I look back at it, I guess its the people that make it worthwhile. You live to see them smile. You long to see them happy, you want to make a world just for them. Its almost that the pains of the world disappear when they're around.

The people may change. The ones you hold dearest to you today may not be the same ones you held close to you last week, or the ones who will cry at your funeral. But I guess for most people, there are people that matter in the world.

These growing pains are just that. But I guess it's something we all live with. Change.

Funny concept.

Reshuffling the cards, hoping for a better hand.

While some people put on a poker face and hope they can still win the pool with that bad hand, there are others who strive for the Royal Flush.

Ah, what the hell. I've got give or take 2 months left with my hand. after that, it's back to the dealer again.

After all, who else is better at adapting than me?

I admit I'll miss alot of the goings on from the past 5 years. Under all that cynical wit, I guess I've gotten attached to a few things.

I'm at peace for now. My schemes are still laid out, still waiting for their individual shots.

It's just how I roll

3/11/10

As days draw on, it becomes more apparent the gravity of things.

Sometimes I wonder why my mom cant hear me. Hmm... an experiment:

NO. I DONT WANT TO FUCKING GO ANYWHERE. I DONT WANT TO SIT AROUND, MILES FROM HOME, WATCHING YOU STRESS OUT ABOUT UNECESSARY THINGS. I DON'T WANT TO NOT EVEN GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY FRIEND BEFORE SHE LEAVES, I DON'T WANT TO BE OFF ON SOME 'CULTURAL KNOWLEDGE' CRAP. I'D RATHER STAY HERE, AND LET'S FACE IT, SO WOULD EVERYONE ELSE.

So there.

It just frustrates me that when Yan goes, chances are, I'll be fucking stuck in fucking KUCHING. WHY. I'd want to at least see her off at the airport. I know I've not been the best person at handling reality (how many things have I broken because of reality? I lose count) but still, I don't want to go on thinking that I'm the only person not there.

Yes, family first, but still. This isn't primary school. I won't be able to call up her parents and ask when she's ever coming back. A friend leaving the country is something I wouldn't want to just read about on facebook. Especially if she's someone I've had the honor of seeing almost everyday.

Maybe this is misguided ventilation. I want to yell at something. I'm all out of fruits to chop up. I'm all out of zombies to shoot. And to top it all off, I think I have to be up early in the morning.

I don't know, the odds of you coming back and 'visiting Amirul' being on your top list of priorities is too small. It's too far in the future. It's something so out of my reach, even a megalomaniac of my stature can't place money on it.

Not knowing. It's not a pleasure to me.

You leaving. I guess I'll have to accept it and move on.

Not gonna be easy, but yeah.

I don't know. You mean alot to me. I know I rarely show it, and that I always make insensitive gestures. Or show rarely any concern towards anything.

and although i've made light of a lot of things, I've never liked being alone. But don't let it bum you out, kay? Enjoy yourself out there. Don't worry about any of us, we'll hold down the fort.

It's just how I roll

2 (2)

My true believers would have known, no way that was it.

Sorry for the bullshit, been having lots of issues.

I know I've said it lots of times, but it's just a recurring problem in my life. I hate never being wanted. That there's no one out there going "Why hasn't Am called yet?" or worrying about me half as much as I do them.

I'm not a big fan of this whole 'get rejected by everyone' thing. It's not fun.

I mean, if I had anything to compensate, like good grades or mad skills, that'd be okay I guess.

But it seems since this month started i've been failing at everything.

It's like the Solenoid rule. The harder I work, the further away I end up pushing myself. You don't need me, nor do I think you want me anymore.

For God's sake, I can't even be a loser and be good at starcraft.

I loathe myself

It's just how I roll

2/11/10

So, today draws Achievement Week to an end.

What was achievement week? it was this random event Chang and I had. There was a set of achievements for us to accomplish (unfortunately, Dush and Maxim didnt finish theirs)

So, the first one:

In the mornings, it's always a waste of time sitting and waiting for the teacher to come. So, Chang always has this habit of sneaking off to go chill upstairs first. The only problem is, i'm a little paranoid at it. So, the point of this achievement was to successfully sneak upstairs 3 times without me being left behind. this was just accomplised this morning, when we made a mad dash for it.

My achievement:

SNSD reference. In conjunction with the [awesome] new mv, I had to hoot in front of 3 teachers. Like the fanboy I am.

Easy enough, got it done.

The purpose of this activity? no idea.

It's just how I roll

1/11/10: Goal Update.

OMG. SPM coming up. DIEEE.

Anyways, I've learnt that Hoot is many a cure for a bad day. Seriously.

I don't know, ever since I was hit by the reality that SPM is 22 days away, I started getting annoyed more easily. And depressed.

Sometimes, I just wanna pull you aside and demand we talk about it. I liked how close we were. I like how close we COULD be. But it's like you're making the effort to keep me away.

Goal status:

1) I will inspire at least one person [√]
2) I will fall in love
3) I will successfully get through my god-damned-exams
4) I will learn to fucking drive
5) At least one person will say 'it's not the same without Amirul' and mean it
6) I will make a difference [√]
7) I Will Accomplish all goals by the end of the year

2 down, 5 to go.

It's just how I roll

27/10/10

And as I clambered down the pit, I looked around me.

The skies, in cinders filled, choked my lungs as my descent met their rise.

The beast was upon me now. For so long, I had sat and waited, I had dared to dream of what would happen when it was over.

Already I could see clean sunlight behind the creature.

But the girth of this creature deceived my eyes,.

For it was a good long way away from me, and the sweet sunshine.

I looked down. My descent should near its end, and the searing heat of the charred floor would be all that greeted me.

For after this was done, only one of us would have seen the sky that day, the other locked in a room of trophies.

I thought of everything I had passed to get here, every serpent, every fiery pit.

Licking my lips, I could feel the thirst inside me build up.

It was a few days walk from here. But I promise you, I will get there.

It's just how I roll

22/10/10

It would be nice to have someone know everything about me. And then find it the most attractive thing ever at how much effort I can put.

Realistically speaking, things are back to abnormal in my world. my set of rules seems to govern a lot of things. Perhaps, when conditions are more favorable, we can give this another go. Until then, I really should get some sleep. Supposed to study tomorrow.

It's just how I roll

16/10/10

Fate is a cruel thing. I'm not even going to bother saying it, but it's annoying.

I mean, you find someone just like you, and she has to leave. :/

I guess this is going to be a toss from scratch.

I know I can say alot of things, but I must seriously admit

I will miss you. I mean, you're every person I hoped to find.

And you're leaving.

Bravo, you really know how to pick 'em.

In other news, I recently started looking at things optimistically.

After all, as crappily as my romantic situation is right now, I'm still going to get a new start next year. I guess I can look to that.

But I find this whole leaving issue tampering with my thought cycles. Perhaps I just need to find my center again.

It's just how I roll

15/10/10

I like you.

It's strange to say, and it's probably going to be my downfall. But yeah.

I don't know how to explain it.

I am a megalomanic, cynical and to some, even scary person. Yet somehow, I feel a little more optimistic around you. I like being around you. Somehow, it makes me feel that I'm not the only person in the world with a biased view of the world.

And although I am probably sure you don't entirely approve of my methods in getting what I want (that is, elaborate schemes) I think it's worth a shot. Thank god, you're never gonna read this.

And if you like me too, I'd like you even more :D

That aside, sometimes I wonder if my insecurities are in my head. That chest-tearing nervousness in approaching you, before I can talk to you, that makes me just run away.

It's just how I roll

14/10/10

Often, a big step sends a shockwave, that makes it all the harder to stand, let alone walk.

What is the reaction of the man who looks in the mirror for the first time? Who is he looking at, that has taken such an interest in him?

I took a very big step recently, coming face-to-face with a problem. And all that I've learned from it is chronology sucks. Screw the 4th dimension.

I guess I'm just down that I officially sealed the door of me getting a date to prom. In a way, I faced a problem and wouldn't let it get the better of me. It sounds childish, yes, I'm currently no better than the juniors, but it was just something that mattered, y'know?

I mean, I always pictured this amazing way to end 5 years of nothing but constant change. And as great as it is to be spending it with my bros, the thought of it turning out like IU scares me.

Only good news is I won't have any juniors to babysit.

I guess I was asking for it. I tried skipping a step ahead hoping that the laws of induction would kick in.

Even if you're not coming with me, I'm gonna win you over.

It's just how I roll

Special Occasions

Alot of times, people are asked how they would contribute to the world. Although generally, the opinions of accused psychopaths are never taken into account, I've prepared my list on how I would fix this messed up hell-hole.

A: Magnesium Cigarettes

this is going to test your chemistry a bit. Nothing else, just a pure cylinder of magnesium, to offer to smokers. You can cover it in Nicotine if you want, it will attract them.

Just sayin, it would put them off smoking for a while, if not forever.

Not guessed yet? If my chemistry is correct, Magnesium reacts violently with heat, and will most definitely give them a blast.

B: Vigilante Laws

Let's face it, folks, you wanna stop crime? you have to make THEM afraid of YOU. This is a not-so-subtle message to our good friends in the powdered wigs, too.

In any situation where a person is in danger, say a snatch thief, it should be perfectly legal for an outsider to stab him. Or run him over. Or Even be sadistic about it and chop him up. Hell, all three would be good.

Right now, it seems our laws are catering to the CROOKS, not the victims. Oh, let them go about doing what they want, you change how YOU do things. Bullshit. If anything, I wouldn't mind stalking a neighbourhood with a butcher's knife tracking the fuckers down.

Remember, even attacking ONE of them is a dent. Every other person who isn't brain dead then starts wondering if they'll be stuck with a similar psychopath.

C: VIP Punishments

At some point, it should have been clearly stated that a leader serves those he leads. Not quite the other way around. Democracy, as it is also known. But since we're not going to hope everyone is equal, I think every form of punishment should be somehow augmented for anyone with a fancy name.

I mean, isn't that what we call justice?

D: Neutralities

I'm just sayin. Alot of people get their entire life views from newspapers. With that in mind, it's not fair of anyone to take advantage of the sheer power in a newspaper. In my ideal world, newspapers should be unbiased, as that's the whole point. To find out WHAT happened, not stories of the day-to-day activities of VIPs.

That's all I can think of for now. Too busy rehearsing executions in my head.

It's just how I roll

13/10/10

What up, people.

My trials are now OVER, which means that I'm at the last phase of my hill called the road to SPM.

Trials

Mid-term SPM

Various Intervensi FREEDOM, BITCHEZ

As shown in Diagram 1.

I've come to terms with the fact I don't have a date to prom, and I've decided I should just spend the last party with my classmates with my bros, and not anyone else.

You know, it's hard facing the fact everyone's leaving next year. I mean, Chang and Manisha, I'm sure we can catch up for coffee on weekends or something like that. But for Melor, Yan, well, that just makes me kinda tear. Never cry, though. thought you had me, eh?

Guess it's time to spend what time I have left, then :P

after all, it's not like I'm a stranger to being alone.

object style="background-image:url(http://i4.ytimg.com/vi/7athwySWfIc/hqdefault.jpg)" width="480" height="295">

Btw, this video could jolly well replace analgesics FOREVER.

Now, time to play some starcraft.

It's just how I roll

10/10/10

Pardon my skepticism, but I don't see anything special about 10/10/10. I mean, it's cool to see it, to just write the number 10 over and over again, but I don't get this whole 'perfect day to fall in love' crap.

Finally bought Adib's present today. I must say, for all intents and purposes, I am AWESOME.

Found out why Ashley hasn't been around. She went to AUSTRALIA. Oh well, here's to hoping she comes back soon, I must admit it gets kinda boring without watching her try to wrap her brain around the fact I exist.

Tomorrow is physics, and I think I feel good about it. Fingers crossed, I guess.

Accidentally closed an msn window with a message from hann before I could read it. From the half second I saw it, it seems like she's mad about something. S-C-R-E-W-E-D

SNSD's Japanese Gee mv seriously has some cute charm to it. As in, SERIOUSLY cute shit.

Okay, better either start on my tuition homework or read physics. *sighs*

Is it just me, or has this weekend seemed longer than usual?

It's just how I roll

9/10/10 \ 10/10/10

Before I say anything, let it just go for the record: I beat the a.i on starcraft 2 for once. In a REALLY long match. exhausting, seriously. After trying so many tactics to wipe out my enemy, I learned it really is the only acceptable zerg strategy: Rushing. Using most of my resources to build a fucking huge army full of hydralisks, backed up by Brood Lords and Mutalisks, and the bases fell like dominoes.

Aside from that, I've been doing some thinking. I think I'm not as alone as I thought I was. Some people I would have never imagined myself calling friends say I've really left an impression on them. Such as an entire world of amazing video games. Or just being sick in the head. Heh.

and you know, although they don't always hang around me, it's nice to have friends. They respect my coming-and-goingness, and generally pick up the pieces whenever I feel like falling apart.

Then there's my bros. These dudes and dudettes seriously, are made of pure win. I don't know how I would have survived this year without them either pushing me higher, pulling me higher, or just joining me and sitting back.

As stupid as it seems, doesn't mean I'm not giving up on my little mission. Remember my list at the beginning of the year?

AMIRUL'S GOALS FOR 2010

1) I will inspire at least one person
2) I will fall in love
3) I will successfully get through my god-damned-exams
4) I will learn to fucking drive
5) At least one person will say 'it's not the same without Amirul' and mean it
6) I will make a difference [√]
7) I Will Accomplish all goals by the end of the year

one goal down. 6 more to go.

Yeah, I guess I do kinda feel loved.

It's just how I roll

8/10/10

Mom pulled out a nice surprise for me: Starcraft 2. Now, it's no surprise that I suck at strategy Games. Laying out plans, no problem. Executing them, not as great. Especially when you're holding off stupid Terran while you're manually hatching your army.

Still, nothing more satisfying then watching them scream when you rush them. Pure. Epic. Win.

The sports commentary has stopped in my head as week two draws to a close in the saga that is SPM trials. Thankfully, I've got 3 whole days to read up on my experiments and 2 whole days to get the hang of physics. Hopefully, I pull through this one.

BTW, my newfound ability to communicate telepathically with Chang is epic. Though it doesn't have practical uses, it's still funny to both bitch about how sucky chem was.

On top of all my random crap today, it was looking for a dream house with Melor. Till we realised it'd be a bad idea to have kids without a source of income xP

Hmm, wonder what Ashley's up to. I think it's time I take Chang's advice and play it the fun way, instead of overanalyzing everything.

It's just how I roll

7/10/10

If ever there was a relaxing study session, that was it. A quick run through electrochem (shocking, really xP) and re-uniting with my good buddy the Contact Process (can I say it, please?)

Yeah, cus we've been out of contact since the last exams (WHAT UP)

So, i'm terribly fucked for sejarah. Advice for any bright-eyed junior who has accidentally found the digital corner of my mind: Study. two days in advance.

With the exams rolling along, it's all hands on deck for us. So yeah. Considering how well we get to studying, that also means lots of talk about sex, Kyuhyun, SNSD, Left4Dead, Halo, that awesome thing @ Deadpool, and the word "screwed".

I'm just an optimistic little thing, aren't I?

It's just how I roll

2/10/10

Life is a funny thing. The more you ask for something, the less you get it. I've been having a rough half a month, and you have never once seemed to care. You blow me off every chance you get, and then complain if I spend a little time with my friends who actually listen when I have something to say.

Then, against lots of advice telling me not to, I decide to help you. And you know what I get in return? a lecture about how I'M the bad guy for wanting to feel like more of an actual friend than your lap dog. Speaking of which, you send me out to do your shopping, and shush me for an airhead who can't tell her head from her ass, and you wonder why I'm taking more strolls by myself?

If you didn't like any of them as much as you say you do, why would you even BE with any of them

If you have something you want to say to me, go on and say it. I'm sick of how I'm the one treated like shit and yet I'm always the one apologizing.

I get it- you have your own issues, too. But just once, I'd like you to actually care about what's going on in my life. It's bad enough every time you replace me with a Sea World exhibit or babylonian citizen, it's even worse that I just keep my mouth shut and let it slide.

It's like, you're completely oblivious to who I am. Or that I AM another person. Or have I lost so much of your respect I don't even deserve being treated like one?

Do you honestly think I spend my entire day next to my phone waiting for you to call?

I've woken up at ungodly hours to listen to you when you're depressed. You'll barely let me finish my sentence.

I have been listening to you talk about how great he is, sometimes I'd even have the courtesy to ask you about you guys. I can't even MENTION any of the girls I meet. It's like, a taboo. Unheard of.

Hell, I'm not expecting you to be just like me. (that'd be creepy. Rule no.4: No Amirul clones) but it would be nice to actually be treated like a person again. Instead of some man-servant you hired.

Here's some food for thought: I can spend an entire day with everyone acting like I dont exist. How would I expect to be treated by my best friend?

It's just how I roll

1/10/10

I'm worried.

Have all my efforts to bring you closer only pushed you away for good?

I know we have drastically different opinions on a variety of things (by the way, I still say my use of evil schemes isn't foul play until I slit someone's throat) but you and I, we're actually more alike than you can imagine.

Not talking to you, not being with you, it's driving me up the wall. Being brushed aside, that's even worse.

You know, it would help a great bunch if I never had to announce my depression. It would make everyone's comments seem a little more... sincere. It would also help if I had a healthier vent for my frustration. I don't think channeling it through violent video games is very good.

But what can I do? it seems like no one bothers actually listening to MY issues, so yeah.

It's just how I roll

29/9/10

You know, I used to be very insecure in standard one. As superficial as it sounds, I always wanted to win something, and have a medal to show for it. Unfortunately, every time I did win something, there was never any concrete proof to show it existed. Now, 10 years later, I'm glad to say that even though it just says consolation, I did my 7-year old self proud.

And at what? surviving maths without a calculator.

Even if I'm not planning to take the scholarship, it's still nice to feel wanted.

Especially when you've been passed over for some air-headed face hugger.

Cynicsm aside, it's addmaths tomorrow.

I seem to be having sports commentary in my head. Sometimes it's my own doing, sometimes it isn't. Amazing

It's just how I roll

26/9/10

Very tiring day today. Considering turning in early because of my trials tomorrow.

Chill, Am. You can do it.

I'm confused as to how I feel. My exams are stressing me out, but I can't force myself to do anything about it. People around me are depressed and I can't seem to change that. Someone I care about isn't being particularly warm towards me and I go into a slump.

I've also been eating alot lately. Not that my weight is an issue. - I mean, come on. I'm lighter than the guys my age. I slip in between bars. But now I'm starting to wonder if I'm back to having something wrong with me.

I mean, I got really upset over a tiny issue today.

Oh well, let's face it- I'm awesome. Why? Because I will do well for this trial. I will face all this.

It's just how I roll

25/9/10

I sem to find alot of things annoying nowadays. Among them, is being told to submit because someone is 'more experienced', without actually having first hand experience on anything. My two cents? It happens. Everything happens. I'm just being realistic about it, not covering it up.

Consider me heartless that I don't care, but it's a bare fact. When a man stands in front of a gun and yells 'Fire!' you really can't have much sympathy because he had it coming.

But then again, maybe if I feel a little less morbid, my views will change.

You know, I'd like to think I'm a balanced person. I have my moments where I can't feel, and I have my moments where I go completely on my gut. I have my moments where I'm the most sociable person around, and there are moments where I despise everyone and everything around me. Oh well.

You know, sometimes I wish there was someone who knew me inside-out. Who could say "Amirul went out and bought something without reason today. Something's bothering him"

or anything along those lines.

Why am I being so random?

It's just how I roll

24/9/10

Can anyone hear me? of course not.

The sheer magnitude of things going on right now is overwhelming. I feel like I'm going insane from it all. But then again, I'm not involved in it. Because I'm mr.Unwanted.

I mean, it's bad enough being practically yelled at being told you're no fun. It's even worse to also be told by another person to get out of their life.

And finally, there's the no surprise moment to wonder why as hard as I try, I'm the only person who's alone at any given time. Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

I need to stop being emo. Seriously.

It's just how I roll

22/9/10

In one week, September ends. I slide down the hill that much further, getting closer and closer to SPM. I seriously need to focus.

Back to not-focusing, I wonder why I don't breed good times. It's like I'm just no fun. Or worse. No one wants me around.

I'm no one special to anyone. People around me either avoid me or just get bored of me with time, when someone better shows up. sighs.

I guess that still puts me on my little journey to find somewhere I belong.

In other news, I beat my standard of 350 kills on TTA3 today. Now I'm upping the bar to 380. Turns out, the Laser Rifle is good when you're dying. Clears a room REALLY fast when you want to get out and heal.

So, yeah, I better go back to trying to study. Or Alia and Shiva will kill me.

It's just how I roll

20/9

Well, that went well. Now I guess you're avoiding me, too. Why is it I can never seem to be happy? What happened to the classic love story where guy likes girl and by some miracle, girl likes guy back?

Not like it matters I guess. After all, it's like I always say: I have been hurt so many times, what's one more?

I really wish I could be like Yan or Alia. Have problems, yes, and have THAT be the reason you excel even FURTHER. Urgh.

But then again, I've never been inside either of their heads, so maybe there's a deeper issue I'm not seeing.

I really need some self-love. That's really hard, when no one else can give you a jump start.

It's just how I roll

17/9/10

It's safe to say I'm moving on.

I finally see it, how we pretty much had nothing to build on anyways. I was just your little escape, and I'm cool with that.

This is part of my mission. I am honestly sick of always watching, never being a part of anything. For once, I'd like to be in the spotlight.

Let's face it, everyone has one more ace in their sleeve whenever I'm around. What about me? where do I end up?

Gonna post notes up here. I need to flesh out Tarot more. So far, his superstition gets the best of him. Although his weapons aren't REALLY Tarot cards, he does carry some with him, for whenever he's lost. Speaking of which, his weapons are metal cards, which he wields like daggers, even throwing them to pin down enemies. Like other members of his tribe, I guess that would mean he has enhanced reflexes. Unique to himself, however, he gets into a meditative state before combat. Like a trance. He's a childhood friend of The Assasin, but that doesn't mean he's not out to hunt the blade for hire.

What am I missing? a human side to him.

It's just how I roll

16/9/10

Sometimes I think my mom just doesn't get my more-than-direct message.

I. Dont. Want. To. Go. Overseas.

It's my final year of high school, I wanna spend the holidays with my friends. I don't wanna spend the holidays missing all the parties, cus I'm stuck in some god-awful temple watching you stress out because no one else wanted to go either.

Stop forcing the idea. It's only making it more annoying. All that talk about letting me go to penang with friends, you're now indirectly telling me it's not happening.

The worst part is, I think I've actually come forward and mentioned that I'm NOT AT ALL interested in some 'cultural adventure'. Even if I wanted to go overseas, it wouldn't be to that god-awful hell-hole Siem Reap. Somewhere modern, I wouldn't mind. But I don't want to walk my ass off in the scorching sun. Never. Hell, if I wanted the heat, I'd stay here. Much cheaper.

It's just how I roll

14/9/10

I have to watch my back. I'm climbing down a hole, there is no clear path for where I'm going. The sun seems to set even faster seeing as my only source of light is the hole above me. Below, I see nothing.

Don't mind that. I shouldn't get my hopes up too high, says Manisha. Probably true. Need to be in a stable condition for the next 3 months. Also, need to start bucking up.

I'm dying from a lack of release. Any kind of release, really. Tension, stress, all of it.

It's just how I roll

13/9/10

New mission: Im going to make you love me.

I don't know, it just felt so right today. I'm probably an idiot, but yes. I think I really, really like you.

Dont make me start reciting genie lyrics

It's just how I roll

Challenge accepted

see them shining lights and neon signs
i know you think i'm fine
don't start just feedin' me lines
boy, don't waste your time
if you wanna come and play these games with me
i know you'll never be the same once you've had a taste -
you'll see - you'll only wanna be with me
boy, you won't believe

Hann's rap. My turn to come up with something in response.

Girl, dont think I dont see you over there,

Tryna grab my eye; with your cocktail dress and that fresh-styled hair,

Always sayin imma recite, but I rewrite the rules,

Imma play my game like the kids over at schools

Other girls wanna pay the double-stack; you wont give this love a whack

But I think once I made you see-

it's my love that you're gonna wanna retrieve

And I really think, that you wont believe,

when I bring it right back

It's just how I roll

12/9/10

Listening to It's You in excess is a sign that Hann's not back yet. Something about a sad song you can dance to is just... convenient.

Random fact, while I am not completely heartless, there are some things I just won't do, even if it's polite, simply because it makes no sense to do so.

For example, replying a tag on fb if I chat with that person. I can just say my response to them, right? no need for broadcasting my thoughts. Or, as I was recently told, inviting people even though you know they can't make it. I mean, courtesy is one thing, but it's just redundant. After all, it's like seeing a dead person, WITH the flatline in front of you, and saying "Hey, you okay?" right after the doctor calls in Time of Death.

Haha, dont worry, I'm not mad at anyone or anything. Just a little thought in my head.

It's just how I roll

11/9/10 Part 2

Yeah, I'm awesome.

Open house was epic, played games and hung out with everyone. They generally liked the brownies, so I'm happy :)

Also, Chang was looking up SNSD on my laptop. IT'S OFFICIAL, he's fancrushing on Yoona. xP

Hmm, I'd have to say today was definitely a success

It's just how I roll

11/09/10

I just baked a batch of brownies :)

Yes, you can tell how nervous I am when I actually cook for guests.

It's Raya time, which should be a time for forgiveness, togetherness... and FOOD

Oh yes, lots and lots of food. However, I will not forget this year's mission.

nothing much to blog about today. Will be back later

It's just how I roll

9/9/10

Been thinking alot.

If our lives were truly lived alone, I guess we'd be living monosyllable lives where you could count the seconds until something happened. It's the people that really make a difference in our lives.

How would I be, I wonder, had I not met the people I now surround myself with?

That's not quite the point of today's rant however.

The clock is ticking, everything around me is changing. Einstein's theory of relativity states that two objects traveling in opposite directions passing each other is the equivalent to one object traveling at twice its actual velocity, but the other one standing still.

With everyone moving, where do I go?

It's just how I roll

7/9/10

I am bored.

I need to start forcing myself to study. But I also want to finish the movie.

focus. at least for this week.

I've hung up the Vuvuzela of Glorious Victory. Now it's official that it's destiny is to celebrate the end of my SPM.

I've always liked the idea of having that one special person to call up and celebrate with. Oh well, I bet Edison liked the idea of finishing the lightbulb on a first try

It's just how I roll

5/9/10

I'm confused as to your motives. You get rid of me whenever I'm around.

In fact, until everyone else turns you away, you don't even acknowledge my existence.

And now that I've got something else to do when you're doing all this, you want to get all upset about it. I wouldn't call yours magnificent, to say the least. But I don't go around telling to your face how much I hate him. Instead, I still agree to play third wheel on your dates.

It's okay if you don't like her, I can deal with it. You can say you don't like her, but it doesn't have to end every sentence.

It almost seems like I'm only a burden to you whenever I'm happy.

It's just how I roll

1/9/10

Awesome bday. Liek srsly.

This is my first post from my new Macbook, in all it's awesomeness. Also, I love you guys who all wished me :D

So yeah, I'm still walking on air. I. Am. Awesome.

It's just how I roll

26/8/10

This is effective. It's hard to feel sad with techno music in the background. Sign no.1 I need to get out more.

So, the greenscreening worked out well today. As in, seriously well. I see much potential here. Just need to work out some dents, and yeah.

What do you do when you're questioning everything around you?
I mean, I really think I like someone. And it's not very helpful if she really thinks I'm just playing around. But I might scare her away if I start being serious. Because Serious Am is not exactly a lady-charmer.


It's just how I roll

25/8/10

I think today could only be described in one word- wait for it- exhausting
Decorations, schemes, all in one giant evil....thing.

I guess I have no right ranting about you, given the circumstances. So enjoy your time in Sea World, I'll be where I've always been. I'm not going to make a big deal of anything if you don't/


It's just how I roll

16/8/10

I am gonna be straight about it and say it feels lonely where I am.
I am gonna retain fort awesome, but yeah.
I know I said all that stuff about not needing someone to remind me how awesome I am, but what about sharing said awesomeness?

I wouldn't mind just a little bit of affection every now and again. Someone to say "what up, how was your day?"

Ahaha. FOCUS. 97 DAYS MORE TO FOCUS

On the last day of SPM, the Vuvuzela of Glorious Victory shall triumphantly soar.


It's just how I roll

11/8/10

I think for this arc of my life, an appropriate title would be redemption.

I have got some awesome friends, who really are trying to make me less socially awkward.
And that's kinda awesome.

Look out world, here I come!

It's just how I roll

10/8/10

I think I should stop saying I'm awesome.
Even though I am.

And I don't wanna jinx it. When I'm not running to bed, I'll elaborate on it.
It's just how I roll

Attempting Poetry

I'd love to say it
you know it's true,
but it's just kind of scary;
to say I love you.

I'm not quite sure why, though,
I've seen so much,
but I guess I'm just fragile enough
to be broken by a touch.

It's nice to see a fresh smile.
A new beginning,
but it's scary. Not that it's you,
it's that god-damned-word.

Nope, I cannot write poetry unless I want to kill myself

It's just how I roll

7/8/10

I am awesome.
Librarians dinner, then Visa's place. Although it was rather ass-ish of me, I'd like to think I pulled off some major awesomeness today.

seriously, I would love to talk about it, but I'm considering the fact that I may lose it all again xP

Either ways, usual shit. Couple stuff is nausea-inducing and I'm madly in love with myself. Yup.

It's just how I roll

5/8/10

I'm awesome.
Survived first wave of emo-ness today since my awesome-boost. Couple fever making me nauseous. I guess underneath the guise of someone who equates love to the tooth fairy ( a CRUEL lie), there is a hopeless romantic somewhere.

Haha, I think I've got issues. I have never been sexually attracted to someone in a long time. Sorry, the more correct phrase is sexually ATTACHED. attraction happens often. But don't worry, I'm not looking for anything serious.

But seriously, I paid a damn lot of attention to this person. Oh well, day's over. Now to move on to a new adventure!

I'd like to show you a few more sides of me. How's that work?


It's just how I roll

3/8/10

This is a special post from the awesome location of rumah tok. ngehehe.
I was joining Adam for a vanity session of singing in the corridors while he played the guitar. Chang is now amazed that we wrote a song titled "No bathrooms on Halo"

librarians dinner coming up, I'm nervous. What to wear?
Someone has been in my head alot. Don't know why :/

Haha, I am infinitely awesome.
It's just how I roll

31/7/10

Baskin Robbins day, people!
IU was fun. As in, serious fun. Dancing like a psychopath and not caring who sees is awesome.
Among meeting other things.

I'm not sure why, but I keep putting myself in awkward situations. As in romantically awkward. Short crushes kinda thing. Hahahaah.

Am working on a new movie. Showing off Deluxe Ironhide (or FeHide, as I shall call him)
weee.

It's just how I roll

30/7/10

Wazzap, people?
The TRU in Ikano opened today, so I was there to check it out.
On one hand, I'm down. WHY HALO, WHY DID YOU BREAK MY HEART?

If you must know, it starts like this:
I am a Lego fanboy. Therefore, I don't buy MegaBlocks stuff. However, they have a partnership with Bungie to make Halo merchandise.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Also, I bought myself deluxe Ironhide. Pretty awesome, IMO.

I turn 17 in 32 days. AWESOME.




It's just how I roll

28/7/10

It's a disco party in my head right now.
All week, I've been making music videos in my head. I'd say they're pretty awesome.
Songs I've currently used:
-Love Fooled - The Cardigans (Mel's theme)
-Baby - Justin Beiber (Ashven/Manisha theme)
-Change - Hyuna (Hann)
and others I can't mention :P

This week's theme is -wait for it- Marvel References

Cus for some reason, I've taken interest in the marvel universe. So this week involves references of all kinds to the Marvel world, like how the petition is like the Superhero Registration Act and my class is now Civil War. (However, my marvel universe trivia sucks, so I will base it on characters I see in Marvel UA 2)

Anti-Petition:
-Me (Tony Stark)
-Chang (War Machine)
-Alia ( Mr Fantastic)
-Shivs (Iron Fist)

Pro-petition:
-Manisha (Cap. America)
-LFW (To be decided)
-Yan (Power Man)

27/7/10

the glitches in the RvB video player are REALLY annoying. Oh well, I'll have to find out what happens tomorrow.

It's funny how tiny things have big impacts on your day. A small text message, a small fb update, the like. It's awesome when your day is improved, not so when your day is ruined.

I wasn't in school today. While no one threw me a token funeral, the day off was fun. Tomorrow, back to work. My goal: 3 sciences. Again.

And addmaths, there's always addmaths.

25/7/10

What up, people?
Raid Cross was AWESOME, I have to say. Although the rocket launcher was pretty much useless, it was fun throwing water baloons at helpless juniors while they run for cover. Also, appearing in court as a trigger-happy general with an odd accent was fun.

IU day was awkward. No idea why I lost my ability to make conversation with random people. Oh well, second time's the charm.

KO'd early yesterday. KO'd again today. No idea why. Hahahaha

23/7/10

tomorrow is making me nervous. Hahaha. Raid Cross, where I am a Detahlong General, and have to fire at civilians. Cus Shiva is awesome at picking out roles meant for me.
Also, the IU day tomorrow is scaring me. What if I'm too late? What if Celine pulls out at the last minute? I'll be stuck in a foreign school with the only people I know being people who wouldn't rate me as their favourite person, if ya know what I mean.

Waka Waka gets me pumped, for some reason.

Also, I invented a language. I-am-AWESOME.

Keshfousen? Pei.

"Do we kill them?" "Yes"

Losing the battle for power

22/7/10

My reign of awesomeness continues. Aside from a few issues, I think this whole 'happy' thing will work.
Interesting thought: Others believing in something makes you believe it, which makes it more convincing to them, making it almost-real.

Signs of my Awesomeness' return:
-I returned a Farah Burn
-I came up with a new phrase to use "Magical fuck-you bullet"
-I payed attention in Bio
-I solved a crucial problem with my Chemistry
-I'm starting to prepare for SPM (better late than never)
-I'm starting to appear a little more confident around

21/7/10

I'm awesome.
That's right, folks, I said it. I-am-awesome.

Let's list down the reasons why:
-I come up with crap in a second. I've been able to make movie after movie after movie.
-I have a tv station in my head. 'Nuff said.
-I can't shut up. I have a consistent flow of ideas.
- I can throw my 100% into something to make it awesome, and my 110% to make it awesom-er
- When I DO study, it works
- I can be asked to do stuff and I get it done.

Yes, my haters, I am in love with myself. And that's okay.
BITE ME

Part 3: self-motivator of my own woes

In what is hopefully the finale of my saga of depression, maybe I'm just bored. Everything's fallen back into a cycle and I'm back in a slump.

Meeting you was the biggest play changer so far. and that's not going too well.

But I think the only way I'm going to ever get my self-esteem back is if I remind myself how awesome I am. And I AM awesome. I just need to remind myself why.
And to all my haters out there:

"It's not being arrogant if you're better than them"- Melor

or something like that. I probably won't change. I WILL have to fix some of my issues, but a humble-hippie-Amirul is impossible. For as long as there are stupid people in the world, there is an Amirul telling them they will fail at life.

Cus that's how I roll.

Part 2 20/7

On a happier note, I love you guys.
My bro who keeps slapping me to wake up, my awesome best friends. It sounds gedik giler, but you guys put up with alot of crap from me alone. And you guys are going through much worse things than a little girl drama.

Especially the dudes who can listen to me ramble. I don't know why, but I really have issues with shutting up. I guess some comments can't be kept to myself. THEY SHOULD BE SHARED.

Let's face it: If my life had no drama, it'd be boring. I'm just glad I have people to share it with, I guess.

Losing the battle for power

20/7/10

what is hate?
where does it come from?
if anything, where is the logic in it?

The truth is, there is no logic in emotion. Hate is fuelled by broken dreams, green eyes and knives covered in spinal fluid.

I got a good sounding off for how I behave at times. It was nice to get a little honesty. While I will try to change, I still wonder at why survival depends on me conforming to what others want me to be.

My self-esteem is an awesome football player. It constantly takes one for the team. I'm in a dimensional grey area. I don't belong anywhere, now that I think of it.

Everything I do, it has it's reasons. A sharp tongue is my version of being capable of ripping through shirts by flexing my muscles. An arrogant view of the world is how I keep people from picking at this empty shell no one needs to see.

So there's alot of things I won't change. I guess I'm just not into the idea of being nice for people who wouldn't do the same for me. No one bothers saying "Let's see it from his point of view,"

Of course not, retard.

I'd really like for you to see who I am. I would. But I don't want to push you away. What do I do?

In summary, with all this going on inside of me, I guess my excuse for hating is that it's just how I lash out. So yeah, that's about it.

Losing the battle for power

19/7/10

Why do we make wishes?

Why do we hope that, against all odds, for no price, something will happen?
Why do we look up to the sky and hope for something?

For some, I think the magic is simply in hoping. That small belief that it may happen simply because you asked nicely will make it happen.
Escapism is a more common thing than you think, dear reader.

For others, it's a sense of control. When you think about it, it all originates from the fact you're asking for something for free.

The world really is a puzzle to me at times.
Losing the battle for power

Part 2

I'm screwing up left, right and centre. Why? cus that's how I roll.

The events of today have lead me to asking myself alot lately: Who am I?

Am I defined by the people around me?
Or am I defined by my actions?

I'm no intellectual, that's for sure.
Unfortunately, the mindlessly happy isn't me either.

So what am I?

I want to know. Badly.


Losing the battle for power

16/7/10

I think we're in love.

Don't mind that sudden random outburst.
She suddenly started questioning my existence today. Asking why I hang around her, what I see in her.
It's been 4 years, we know nothing about each other.

Someone else asked me the same question today.
It gets me thinking as to what happened.

Could they have fought for any reason?
What could instill so much insecurity in the both of them?

Or is it me?

Femininity confuses me


Losing the battle for power

13/7/10

How many possible ways can you wrongly push a button?
As some people learn, alot, actually.

It can be from the simplest of things, too. From quitting because someone else said so, to a simple mistake.

Thinking about it, having your buttons pushed once isn't so bad. When each one sets you up to get knocked down further, that's bad.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, I want to rip off a head. It seems like everything I do never gets recognition. No one says "Thanks man, you're awesome".

Don't give me that smirk. You're not better than me, if only the rest of the world saw that. I actually put in effort for what I want.

Guess what, people? I'm not blaming myself for once.

Everyone else is stupid. I'm working my ass off, and for what?
To be told I'm lazy, arrogant and worthless.
To be side-stepped, pushed in front of vehicles and not worthy of anything.

Thankfully, I have people who care about me. You know what's sad?
All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to hear it from you, with feeling.
And that's too hard, because I'm inferior due to my ACTUAL hard work and will to not die. Because I don't sound like Justin Bieber on crack. Because I won't bring out as much publicity.

You know what else? love is an emotion. Just like hate. All it does is gauge how much emotion there is. So with all this resentment, you have no grounds saying anything about me abandoning you. Because with all that, I'm still moronic enough to follow you.

Because if there's anyone who should see the truth first, it's you.

I'm resentful. I'm bitter. I'm not at all 'mr. right' material to most people. But who's put up with you even longer than him? me. For what? Even I'm not sure.


Losing the battle for power

Part 3

on another note, I'm annoyed.
You take all the credit now, don't you?

I go through all that suffering, all that worrying, and for what?
"Oh, he's soo perfect"

My ass.

When is it my turn? Tell me. When does someone say "Hey, Amirul's pretty awesome. In fact, I think I kinda like him" ?

You know what? This is why I'm so angry with the world. Because no matter how hard you try, how much you believe in that little speck of hope that effort pays off, it doesn't. The winners were born winners, the losers were failed abortions.

How else would you explain CONSTANT side-stepping? I can understand the ocassional one, but this is just a little pushing it, no?

I'm always forced to be the bigger man. The one who gives in. Why? Because I'm not born for glory. I'm just everyone's stepping stone.

Soy Un Perdedor.

Losing the battle for power

Part 2

The cup is over, ending another chapter of my final year. Let's try and organise the year into chapters, shall we?

Chapt I: Welcome to The End
Chapt II: Defying Gravity
Chapt III: Festivities
Chapt IV: Diagnosis?
Chapt V: Vacation
Chapt VI: Football
Chapt VII: ?


Losing the battle for power

11/7/10

Quick bout of emoness before I get into football fever.

We're really far apart from each other. There's so much about you I don't know, but I want to know. Honestly, you've been my alibi for a while, but I think we could make it if we tried.

But all I really need is for you to see the same way. And getting people to do that is not a skill of mine. Not when it comes to feelings, anyway.

Then again, it would be cruel. You'd only be second place, and I don't want people to feel how I do. Unless they deserve it.

I don't know anymore. I've watched you grow up, and we've been playing ping-pong for so long. Or I'm not thinking straight. The latter, probably. But we're also not very alike, upon further insight.

Let's weigh it out:

Pros:
-We both have that little thirst for stardom
-We love movies.
-I get along with your friends
-People see it coming, we won't face much resistance. I said MUCH, didn't I?
- We can entertain each other, I hope.

Cons
-We have our differences- I prefer to tint everything with a little salt and you'd much rather flaunt your girl-next-door charm that sometimes leaves me so helpless
-I'm not sure about you, but I have a thing for physical affection.
-You've never met my friends
-I wonder if I've ever seen the real you
-I have drama. By the boatloads.
-me. I have my little obsessions I'm not sure you've fully comprehended them.
- I have more issues than a century-old-fortnightly.

You know what? I can't think straight. Part 2 coming soon (hopefully)
Losing the battle for power

7/7/10

Happy Bungie day, people.

I'm depressed. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's that feeling of mortality when something you dreaded gets closer and closer.

I'm not gonna waste my time whining about turning your head this way, because I figured you never will anyway. It's stupid I'll never get over it, but at least I can save myself and live a lie long enough.

Maybe I am needy. Can you blame me for wanting support?

Either ways, since I'm not even a friend, I'll just fade back to where I came from.

Losing the battle for power

5/7/10

I've always wondered: are we moving away? or has there always been distance, just that we never see it. I really wanna know.

I think I really need professional help. I'm having problems focusing on anything. I spend a lot of my time spacing out, even in front of the computer.
I'm getting more paranoid.

Also, the concept of love seems more and more annoying to me by the day. Call it fermentation, but if I hear one more gedik girl complaining her boyfriend didn't tag her in his status on myspace, I'm going to shoot someone. Per word.

In fact, i'm finding alot of things annoying. At a time where I need to be focused, i'm getting more exhausted.

You're happy with him now, I guess that's my cue to leave. But my world is incomplete without you. Dilemma. Fun.

Need to think of how to get around this. Adults won't take me seriously, I can tell.
Losing the battle for power

3/7/10

It's very rare that I find a song that just lets me wallow in my emotion. All I need is a chorus and I feel a little better. I'll admit it, I only first heard it on Glee. but hell, it's a nice one. Not even elaborate.

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me?

I think I should be a little positive. As crappy as it was, I'm proud of the Iron Man vid. Effects synthesizing, Getting Chang to fit into an Iron man suit, epicness.

Storyboarding for the 5M project. I don't know, I just REALLY want to do this. This would be my largest accomplishment before SPM.

In a way, my romantic situation's not too bad. at least I talk to her. Screw it, it sucks. I'm a loser who can't let go of a 3-month thing.

Oh, come now, readers, did you really think I'd stay sober that long?

read something just now. How some people still have fun regardless that they acknowledge their life sucks. Maybe I'll try that now.
I've noticed there are some things I refuse to give up on. likewise, there are things I'd give up on in a flash. Unfortunately, my studies are in the wrong group.

I don't know. I've been in a rut lately. Even my creativity is dying. These exams really put me into a funk. Not been able to do homework (even less than usual), been getting emo more easily, been needing more escapism.


Losing the battle for power

1/7/10

It's nice to be wanted. I have friends who actually need me and occasionally want me around. We have a nice system. It's all good.

My dear me of two years back, hold on. Just keep holding on.

Storyboarding ideas for the astro thing is not easy. Dammit, how I wish I could be commited.

I'm saying goodbye to another large chunk of my life. That's happening alot lately. Hopefully, this is a good thing. It's just sad letting go, you know?

ah, it's time to stop worrying about the shadows and start focusing on the light. Or something to that effect.


Losing the battle for power

27/6/10

sorry, this post is gonna be very distracted. Germany vs England. 2 -1.
and now 4-1.

I'm curious as to what I wanted to post. oh well, nothing now.
But I posted my new movie already. In actuality, it would have been much nicer as just a suit-up scene. but oh well, loved it anyways. Fun experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdLlC-6S3AA

25/6/10

Today was depressing.
I did badly for alot of my tests, again. Went through a major depression phase. Smashed the correction tape to tiny little pieces. Sharp ones. Alia caught one of the pieces and refused to return it to me >.<

Frustrated later on because everyone's busy with their own thing. A bout of melancholy, too.
Nostalgia a bit.

Something someone said is lingering in my head, not in the good way.
Alot of people's patience is running thin with me. Others just never cease to be impressed with me.

I guess it's a question of who am I going to listen to, eh?

having no human outlets sucks at times. Most of my guy friends are busy and alot of the girls are getting annoyed that I make little progress. at least they're not as concerned for my health when I'm planning something.

On another note, I have an RM15o footstool for prom. whoop-de-fucking-do
Losing the battle for power